Mike Huckabee Can't Believe Beyonce Still Hasn't Resigned In Disgrace
Mike Huckabee, perpetual maybe-presidential candidate, wrote a book about what's wrong with America. Everything, basically, is wrong with America -- including the Obamas allowing their daughters to get their hippity-hop on to Beyonce's whore music. But it's not as if he wanted anyone to notice that. That anyone in the media is all, "Huh? What?" just proves his point that America is a cesspool of Indecency and Immorality and other I-words. (The Huckster is also fond of the greatest I-word in the Bible, which no Republicans ever talk about, ever, but it rhymes with dimpeachment.)
On Tuesday, Huckabee explained to Joe Scarborough how he honest-to-gosh doesn't understand how anyone even noticed that part of his book.
“It was an illustration in a chapter in the book called ‘The Culture of Crude,’” Huckabee told Morning Joe on Tuesday. “Somebody picked it up. Of all the things in the book I thought was going to be controversial that wasn’t it.”
He was simply making a point -- which is that the Obamas supposedly care about their daughters, because they make them eat broccoli, but then they also let their daughters listen to Beyonce, which is a slippery-slope gateway drug to being a total prostitute, so are they really such good parents after all? Or are they helping to DESTROY AMERICA?
But since people have bothered to notice Huckabee's book, that proves the point he was hardly even trying to make, doesn't it? Why, it most certainly does, according to Huckabee.
"In fact," he said, "the reaction to it within the land of what I call ‘Bubbleville’ validates my point."
Bubbleville, in case you're one of those U.S. Americans who does not have sufficient access to maps everywhere like such as, is defined by Huckabee as places where liberals are allowed to live and deep-fried squirrel, a personal Huck favorite, does not appear on every diner menu.
Huckabee also appeared on The Daily Show to elaborate on his "Bubbleville" geography: New York, Washington, and Hollywood. Because, see, those parts of America do not understand the rest of the parts of Americaville -- "the people who live in the land of the bubbas" -- where people have real American values and care about things like God, Guns, Grits, and Gravy, which, coincidentally, is also the title of Huckabee's new book.
But it's not like Huckabee is trying to claim that bubbas are morally superior to Bubblevillagers. He's just "trying to explain who we are" to, for example, those think-they-are-so-smart snobs on the Harvard faculty.
But back to Huckabee's not-worth-mentioning minor point about how Barack and Michelle Obama are THE WORST:
Here's the point I was making. Beyonce is such a mega-talent. She can do anything. I mean, she really -- she's got the pipes to sing, she's got the moves to dance. She doesn't have to be vulgar in order to set a trend. That's the point.
Oh, is that the point? Funny, we must have missed that when Huckabee used slightly different words to, uh, praise her talents:
I don’t understand how on one hand they can be such doting parents and so careful about the intake of everything – how much broccoli they eat and where they go to school and making sure they’re kind of sheltered and shielded from so many things – and yet they don’t see anything that might not be suitable for either a preteen or a teen in some of the lyrical content and choreography of Beyoncé, who has sort of a regular key to the door (of the White House.)
Guess we smug over-educated coastal elites in Bubbleville are terrible at reading comprehension. But really, what bothers Huckabee the most about Beyonce -- beyond the fact that she kicks it at the White House all the time -- is that she uses her pipes and dance moves for evil instead of good and is a Bad Example to the little misses of America, as he bubbasplains to Jon Stewart:
Do you know any parent who has a daughter that says, "Honey, if you make really good grades, some day when you're 12 or 13 we'll get you your own stripper pole?" Come on, Jon, we don't do this in our culture.
And what does that prove? Hmm, something! Like how, thanks to Beyonce and the Obamas, little misses grow up to be government-dependent whores begging Uncle Sugar for free birth control. [contextly_sidebar id="r58CcOYcmxShvJYUwbKzRHVdoKftgCUC"]
Then Jon Stewart does that thing where he finds some out-of-context video that proves Huckabee is a gigantic hypocrite. Oh look! Here's Mike Huckabee jammin' with pants-pooping, draft-dodging, gun-toting proud racist and fan of underage girls (but in a moral role model kind of way, we guess) Ted Nugent -- who enjoys making jokes about assassinating the president, for the kids! -- while Nugent sings, "I make the pussy purr with the stroke of my hand."
But, as Huckabee rationally explains, that is totally different. Not only does Nugent not slide up and down a stripper pole when he's talking about stroking the ladies in their bathing suit areas, but also, it was a different time, which means it is different.
When Ted Nugent did that song, in 1978, it never got nominated for a Grammy. He didn't perform it on national television. In fact, you know what the song of that year was? It was a tie between "Evergreen" and "You Light Up My Life." And John Denver hosted the Grammys. My point is, that song? It's an adult song. Geared for adults.
Oh, OK. Well, we'd conclude the difference is that Ted Nugent is not, and never has been, as popular as Beyonce because his music sucks. But again, we are dumb Bubbleville types, apparently. Because since Nugent never won all the honors and awards for his song about "cat" "scratching" (read: touching ladyparts in a sexytime way), there is nothing indecent or immoral or impeachable about Huckabee pallin' around with him. That's a very different sort of lesson for the kids these days -- far better than teaching women to be independent and self-sufficient and even feministical and if you want fancy stuff, make your own money and buy it for your own self because you don't need a man to do that for you.
Maybe if Beyonce sang a song about how you can "scratch" your own "cat" because you don't need a man for that either, Huckabee might be willing to endorse the message? But we're guessing nah.