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Mike Huckabee Literally Thought April Ryan Was Speaking Literally About Beheading His Daughter

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White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders is a congenital liar, and her condition is terminal. We appreciate how difficult that probably is for her loved ones, but they should just hold a telethon or something. Sanders's father, Mike Huckabee, chose instead to make some drunk dad jokes on Twitter yesterday.

Huckabee accused journalist April Ryan of literally threatening his daughter's life. Although this is funnier than most of his usual tweets, he was actually serious. He shared a Red State article with the headline "CNN's April Ryan Says Sarah Sanders' Head Should Be 'Lopped Off.'" This is not actually what Ryan said or meant because she's not a homicidal maniac with a bone saw collection.


We spent our morning digging through Wonkette's archives until we discovered our post from yesterday where we included the video of Ryan's remarks. We'll share it again because we think it provides a helpful context of sanity.

We'll also transcribe the words in case watching a black woman speak is too triggering for common Huckabees.

RYAN: Not only does [Sanders] not have any credibility left, she lied. She out and out lied and the people, the American people, can't trust her. They can't trust what's said from the president's mouthpiece, spokesperson, from the people's house. Therefore, she should be let go. She should be fired. End of story. When there is a lack of credibility there, you have to start and start lopping the heads off. It's 'Fire Me Thursday' or 'Fire Me Good Friday,' — she needs to go."

We're going to lean heavily on all our comparative literature training and interpret Ryan's statement as calling for Sanders's professional death, not her actual, physical demise. We conclude this because Ryan says "[Sanders] should be fired," and since we aren't Amelia Bedelia, we don't think Ryan literally wants to set Sanders on fire.

Ryan is a bright woman, but she likely isn't the first to invoke decapitation to colorfully describe someone losing their job. You've probably heard the term "heads will roll." You might've employed the services of a head hunter and expected them to deliver you qualified applicants for an open position and not someone's actual head. We know conservatives aren't that interested in good-faith arguments because of the whole recent "infanticide" scam, but this is especially absurd and shameless.

Huckabee also expressed contempt for Senator Mitt Romney, who was a former rival for the Republican presidential nomination. (We were just as realistically a "former rival" to Chris Evans for the part of Captain America.) In a relatively harsh statement yesterday, Romney said he was "sickened at the extent and pervasiveness of dishonesty and misdirection by individuals in the highest office in the land, including the president." Unless you're hard of lying, it's pretty clear Romney is also calling out Sanders, whose core competencies are "dishonesty and misdirection."

It's a little disturbing how much Huckabee's response reads like a deranged tweet from Donald Trump. But the president of the United States regularly tweets out crap like this, so very little matters anymore. On the upside, this morning, Huckabee was back to his reliable brand of really bad jokes.

See, "flip-flops" are a form of casual footwear commonly worn at the beach. It can also refer to an "abrupt change in policy or position," which Romney has been accused of frequently making. What do you know? Huckabee does comprehend figurative language.

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Stephen Robinson

Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He recently fled Seattle, where he did theatre work for Book-It Rep and Cafe Nordo.

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