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Mike Huckabee Writes Whiny Book About How Awful Everyone Else Is

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Mike Huckabee was just another fat wingnut Southern emperor until, however many years ago, he realized that he was going to die from the Fat Cancer. He freaked and lost an actual 4,500 pounds and wrote a book about how he became un-fat. It was a success because, for some reason, illiterate people will buy books about such mysterious weight-loss techniques as diet and exercise. This gave him an "in" to run for president; he did better than expected but still lost to Walnuts. But... but now he has another book coming out! It's about how terrible the Republican party is -- you know,his frighteningly unpopular political party! He whines about everyone but throws in a few good words for Cher.


You know what Huckabee's day job is now, right? He hosts a Saturday night political version of Ricki Lake on the Fox News channel. It is not very entertaining. Well, maybe it is?? Here, let's find a random clip of it on the YouTube and you people can decide for yourselves:

Reactions? Second hockey mom from the left was kind of hot, we guess. Otherwise...?? Just a fucking awful show.

So, multimedia mogul Mike Huckabee's new book. He makes fun of Mittens, his top potential rival in 2012, the most:

Mitt Romney, Huckabee's principal rival in Iowa, comes in for the roughest treatment. Huckabee writes that the former Massachusetts governor's record was "anything but conservative until he changed the light bulbs in his chandelier in time to run for president." He notes that Romney declined to make a phone call of congratulations after Huckabee beat the oddsmakers to win the Iowa caucuses, "which we took as a sign of total disrespect." He mocks Romney for suggesting, during one debate, more investment in high-yield stocks as a solution to economic woes. "Let them eat stocks!" Huckabee jokes.

"Stocks" does not rhyme with "cake." Another observation: Why is Mike Huckabee writing this book?

He hates the Evangelicals because they didn't endorse his broke ass uhh, they've changed:

Later Huckabee writes, "I lamented that so many people of faith had moved from being prophetic voices — like Naaman, confronting King David in his sin and saying, 'Though art the man!'— to being voices of patronage, and saying to those in power, 'You da' man!' "

Confusing? All he's saying is, "Look... I don't like Negroes."

There is no end to the wordplay:

The national media gets no pardon either. "Reporters facilitate the greedy and grubby process whereby too many elections go to the highest bidder and his sharpie hirelings," he writes.

WAH WAH WAH.

What else... oh right, he's a queer:

In the middle of a disquisition on libertarianism, Huckabee pauses to praise the musician Cher for tours that are "an amazing blend of rock concert, circus and fashion show."

He was much jollier as a fat ass.

Huckabee Finally Settles His Campaign Scores [Time]

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Cripes the News has been awful lately! And so Yr Editrix suggested we find some good, positive news. Especially after we pitched writing a Wonket about this Mother Jones story on how global warming may be killing the whales, even though Donald Trump knows their prince. (Reply: "Nope. FOR SURE NOT THAT.") And so, as a reminder that a gooder world is possible and apropos of nothing at all that definitely didn't set your Editrix off on Twitter, where she has been stewing and bitching most shrillfully about the 2016 election and the 2020 election and any terrible similarities thereof and thereupon and therefore and thereto, we present a collection of videos of Elizabeth Warren yelling at big banks and calling for them to be broken up and their criminal operators to go to jail. Puppies and kittens will only get you so far, after all.

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