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Tough guy.


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As we all know from his heartless reactions to Syrian refugees and the way he covered up his son's dog-murder, Mike Huckabee is #FordTough. He ain't got time to listen to all you liberals saying, "I would like a college education but college is too expensive for average people to afford," or "I have cancer and medical marijuana is one of the only things that gives me pain relief."

YOU LAZY STONER PUSSIES.

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In Tuesday night's loser undercard debate for people who are actually less popular than Carly Fiorina (WHO EATS MILKBONES), Huckabee explained his alternative plan for all you whiny babies:

All over America I hear young people say, "Would you tell me what you’re gonna do? Would you get me free college? Would you make sure that I can have medical marijuana?"

You know what I think we oughta tell young people, "We aren’t gonna give you anything! We’re gonna give you the opportunity to get off your butt and go serve your country and secure your freedom because if you don’t, nobody else is."

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Hahaha, Mike Huckabee, you are such a gas! (And we don't mean the kind that happens when you eat bad squirrel giblets.) Those dumb kids with their Bernie Sanders and their rap-hop music, thinking, "Oh maybe someday going to college might be possible without coming out with crippling debt," fuck them, right? Why don't they act like REAL MEN and serve America in one of our endless wars? Why don't they make like a Huckabee and fight for our freedom in Vietnam or Iraq or any number of other stupid wars the United States has lost?

OH WAIT, hold on, we are getting a page from Mike Huckabee's biographer that says his lily-white meat-farting ass did NOT actually serve in America's military, but rather that he married his wife Janet during college, graduated and then went to drop out of seminary like a common gadabout.

Why no military service for the Huckster, even during the height of Vietnam? Because he had "flat feet," awwwww. That namby-pamby skidmark should have just WALKED IT OFF, don't you think?

So what is Huckabee saying? Does he want to reinstate an actual draft, as some have suggested? Or is he just running his pig turd mouth, as he so often does, about shit he knows nothing about, like the human colony of violently itchy crotch lice he is?

SPOILER: It's Huck, so the answer is probably "crotch lice."

[The New Civil Rights Movement]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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