I Watched A Congressional Candidate's Boring Porn So You Don't Have To (Not That Anyone Does)

NY Congressional hopeful Mike Itkis shared his sex tape for all to see. Or not.

Mike Itkis, is an Independent running for New York's 12th district, hoping to unseat Democratic incumbent Rep. Jerry Nadler . Does he have a chance? Probably not! But let's meet him anyway. A little too much of him, in fact.

Itkis is a 53-year-old Army cyber operations officer running on a platform that so far includes cyber security, ending the war in Ukraine and sex positivity. Among other things, he wants to decriminalize sex work, which is great.

 City and State New York reported on Friday that in order to draw attention to his campaign's focus on sex positivity, Itkis had released a "sex tape" he made with pornographic performer Nicole Sage and posted it on PornHub. “If I would just talk about it," Itkis told the outlet, "it wouldn’t demonstrate my commitment to the issue. And the fact I actually did it was a huge learning experience, and it actually influenced items on my platform.”

I admit it. I am absolutely not the kind of person who can read that a guy running for Congress released a "sex tape" and then not go right to PornHub and watch it.

So I did. Sort of.

I say sort of because it was 13 damn minutes long and extremely boring. Like it's a 50-something-year-old bald dude having what appears to be relatively mediocre, perfunctory sex with an attractive young woman who kind of looks like Lindsay Lohan. It was a little like watching somebody's doctor's appointment, so I mostly just skipped around and watched each part for a few seconds.

The weirdest part of it by far is the an interlude in they are suddenly wearing different outfits than they wore in the beginning started in and just kissing for a full minute. It made me very uncomfortable. Watching people have sex is one thing — it's porn, that's what happens in porn. But the kissing is weird. Why would anyone watch other people kiss? Especially for a whole minute.

It's literally just this for a full minute. 

The camera angles were definitely a choice as well, one that really did make it look like you were just watching two people having some okay sex after meeting on Ashley Madison. It was far more "literally a sex tape" than a performance.

But maybe that's what he was going for! After all, one of the more ridiculous aspects of our laws regarding sex work is that it is totally legal to have sex for money so long as there is a camera in the room and it will later be posted on the internet for all the world to see, but illegal to have sex for money in private. That does not make sense. It's stupid. Also we all know that decriminalization would make sex work safer for everybody involved but choose not to do it because some people don't want people they don't know having sex for money or paying for sex.

Itkis' campaign website expounds a little bit on what he means by "sex positivity" as a campaign issue:

Sexual rights
- Actively oppose the conservative idea that sex should only happen between a man and a woman who are married to each other
- Right to NOT become a parent in case of pregnancy – redefine abortion debate as a right to unplanned sex

Abortion rights for women
- Men should not be required to support biological children without prior agreement

End government involvement in marriage – no discrimination based on marital status
- Decriminalize sex between consenting adults
- Protect privacy rights
- Define consent
- End adultery laws
- Decriminalize and legalize sex work

Make sexual rights explicit – do NOT rely on privacy or free speech rights

Redefining abortion rights as a right to "unplanned sex" doesn't make a whole lot of sense, but he appears to be trying to express his support for paper abortions without actually using the term "paper abortions." Paper abortions do not actually exist, currently, but if they did, the idea is that they would be some kind of legal way for biological fathers to sever their own parental rights before a child is born, including their obligation to pay child support.

I actually happen to support this — if and only if it is explicitly conditional on abortion being legal, accessible and affordable, along with some other things.

Itkis is not going to win, obviously, but it is actually pretty cool for anyone to run for office while campaigning, to some degree, for sex workers' rights. It's an issue that needs and deserves attention. Maybe if enough random candidates with sex tapes run for office on such platforms and it becomes clear that addressing this issue does not cause the sky to fall, it will be easier for more Democrats to support decriminalization or at least stop supporting bullshit legislation like FOSTA-SESTA.

Not that I ever want to watch that again.

OPEN THREAD!

 Do your Amazon shopping through this link, because reasons .

Wonkette is independent and fully funded by readers like you. Click below to tip us!