My Pillow guy Mike Lindell looks like shit. His cyber symposium is a bust, he and his company are getting sued for a billion dollars, and to top it all off it looks like Donald Trump's triumphant return to the White House will have be delayed once again. No wonder he looks like he hasn't slept in a week.

Last night Lindell's cyber wingman Joshua Merritt (AKA Spider, AKA Spyder, AKA that dude Sidney Powell said was a military intelligence analyst although he wasn't) finally tapped out, admitting to the Washington Times that Lindell had been conned. What Lindell had promised was proof of China hacking election websites in real time was really just a bunch of gobbledygook.

You mean all those random strings of barely legible numbers scrolling while Mike Lindell maniacally shouted "P-caps!" and "Cyber!" were not actual proof that the election was stolen? Fetch the smelling salts!


Cybersecurity expert J. Kirk Wiebe, a former senior National Security Agency analyst and whistleblower, also said Mr. Lindell did not have the actual data sets.

He said the scrolling text was likely meant to resemble what the packet captures would look like in the data set but were not actual packet captures, which are vital to prove the claims.

Several cyber experts at the symposium became frustrated late into the first day with not being provided with packet captures.

Mr. Merritt and Mr. Wiebe said the missing packet captures could be a result of either the format the data was sent in or they were withheld by the source of the information, Dennis L. Montgomery.

UH HUH.

Wonkers, would it shock you to know that the Washington Times left out one or two teensy little details? Like the fact that Dennis Montgomery, Lindell's "data" "source," was accused on multiple occasions of selling fraudulent data? Or that, in addition to flogging bogus terrorist tracking software, Montgomery has made claims that a Nevada gubernatorial candidate took casino chips as bribes, that Barack Obama bugged Trump Tower, and that the Department of Justice conspired with a federal judge to take out Sheriff Joe Arpaio? Montgomery would be here to defend his work, of course, but he's allegedly recovering from a stroke.

Also there's the minor matter that Lindell scrubbed all mention of Montgomery from his website after reporters noticed that his source might not be entirely on the up and up, which does tend to suggest that the pillow fluffer had some inkling that his data might not stand up to intense scrutiny. Why he sought out that scrutiny is not entirely clear, but it appears to have been one in a long series of bad decisions by the Pillow Man.

The Washington Times story came close on the heels of the news that a federal judge would not be tossing out Dominion's billion dollar defamation suit against Lindell, his company, Sidney Powell, and Rudy Giuliani. Lindell promised that his legal adviser Alan Dershowitz would address the assembly today, and indeed the famed lawyer did put in an appearance to make weird noises about the First Amendment being weaponized against poor, silenced Mike Lindell.

Did Dersh keep his panties on this time? Mercifully, he was shot from the chest up only, so we are all spared the knowledge.

The day started off with Lindell asserting that he had been attacked at his hotel, perhaps by Antifa whom he insisted was raging outside in the empty parking lot.

As attendees have filtered out, Lindell has spent great chunks of time monologuing about his days as an addict, which he survived only so that God himself could bring him here to save our country.

Lindell followed it up with a bizarre rant against Gateway Pundit writer Larry Johnson, whom he accused of doing a hit piece on him.

"Sounds like he's CIA," Lindell croaked.

For the record, Johnson is ex-CIA. But the piece in question was a comically hamhanded effort to save Lindell's saggy bacon by throwing shade on the Washington Times story.

"Interesting timing," Johnson intoned ominously. "One of Mike Lindell's cyber experts bailed on the China hack theory earlier this week and spoke with the media. Why now? Why would he wait until the week of the symposium to bail?"

And so we find ourselves at the inevitable end of the con, with the grifter-turned-mark cornered and abandoned by all his erstwhile allies. If this mendacious sack of crap hadn't wrought so much damage, we might feel a tiny bit sorry for him. (We do not feel sorry for him. The past four years wrung all the sorry out of us, possibly for good.)

But maybe the real packet captures were the friends we made along the way to ... anywhere but the White House. That's certainly the spin Josh Merritt is putting on it.

"We were handed a turd," Merritt told the Washington Times. "And I had to take that turd and turn it into a diamond. And that's what I think we did."

And that, ladies and gentlemen and everyone outside and in between, is one to grow on.

[Washington Times]

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Liz Dye

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.

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