Mike Lindell Will Lead The Children Of The Corn To Storm The Supreme Court

Conspiracy theories
Mike Lindell Will Lead The Children Of The Corn To Storm The Supreme Court

Look out, SCOTUS, the Pillow Fluffer is coming right at ya!

Last night Mike Lindell assembled the faithful for a rally at South Dakota's famous Corn Palace to celebrate President Trump's incipient return to the White House. Laugh away, haters! But the Pillow Man has got a Pillow Plan to make it happen.

First, his spiffy new FrankSpeech.com site β€” the one that's just about to put "Mr. Alphabet, Mr. Google, Suckabuck, and Dorky" out of business β€” will air an hour of evidence every night during the next five weeks.

"If I worked for Dominion right now, I'd be turning myself in," he told Steve Bannon last week. "I wouldn't even let it get too much longer, it's over for them."

This might pose a wee challenge, since the site appears to be down again. Or perhaps it's down still? In any event, no one will be watching this damning takedown until Lindell manages to get it up.

But after his team of two dozen ferrets on trucker speed work their cyber magic, we'll all watch be able to watch those videos. And once we see the evidence, which will be different from the hours and hours of defamatory ranting Lindell has already foisted upon us, we'll finally be convinced that there is a vast conspiracy afoot to keep Trump out of the White House.

Then the country will rise up as one and demand a restoration and the Supreme Court will swoop in to make it so.

"'Cause the whole United States will have already seen it. And they're going to look at it and protect our country, and it's going to be a 9-0 vote to pull the election down," he shouted to a cheering crowd. Although perhaps they were just relieved that Joe Piscopo had finally stopped embarrassing them with his weird, old-timey racist hackery.

Sweet Caroline! Good thing we had Piscopo to tell us that "We're not racist. I travel around the country and we're a good country. … They are criticizing us every which way, and tonight, it stops." Otherwise we might think that shit was super bigoted and horrible.

The "comedian" also offered a rousing cheer for all the brave patriots who refused to get vaccinated before assembling in holy corn fellowship to breathe all over each other and listen to some jackass slaver over Gov. Kristi Noem.

"I love your governor. Is she single by chance?" Ba-DUM-Tssssssss.

Can we go back to the part where Jesus's best salesman Eric Metaxas 'splained to the crowd that only religious countries are free?

"People are being persecuted around the world because their governments don't believe in God," he preached. "When you push God out, freedoms go away. It's what we're seeing right now, it's why we're starting Frank Speech."

Hahaha, poor Scandinavia, persecuted by its atheist governments! Now that shit is FUNNY.

The only saving grace of Lindell's much-hyped event, is that this crowd of anti-vax loons wasn't much of a crowd at all.

Shine on, you batshit crazy diamond.

[Mitchell Republic / Argus Leader]

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Liz Dye

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.


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