Mike Pence Can't Promise Not To Fuck Every Woman He Sees
The Washington Post has a nice profile of Karen Pence, wife of Vice President Mike Pence, and his "prayer warrior" in chief. Karen and Mike like each other! They hold hands a lot! They make all their decisions together, like "is it okay to be vice president of a pussburglar?" and "should we take away all AIDS funding and funnel it all to 'ex-gay' therapy?"
But buried in the nice parts about how much Karen Pence hates gay children and is a really good wife who knows her place is just to pray for her husband rather than having opinions on things (except hating gay children), there's one part that is making us a teeny lil bit crazy, and it is not a "new" news, but rather is an old news, but it is in the Washington Post again so let's all talk about it again now:
In 2002, Mike Pence told the Hill that he never eats alone with a woman other than his wife and that he won’t attend events featuring alcohol without her by his side, either.
Mike and Karen Pence like each other! They are together all the time! Why would you have a problem with that, Wonkette, do you HATE LOVE AND CIS-HETERO-NORMATIVE FAITHFULNESS? Well, obviously, but there's an actual point too:
Mike Pence cannot be alone with a woman without fearing he will have to fuck her. What was that his boss said? "I better use some Tic Tacs just in case I start kissing her. You know I'm automatically attracted to beautiful—I just start kissing them. It's like a magnet. Just kiss. I don't even wait."
So ... there's the possibility of sexual assault, as it seems there so often is with these gentles. But there's also a more prosaic WTF: Would a man who won't take a meal with a woman who's not his wife hire a woman for an important job, and treat her the same as his other employees? Eating a meal, being in a room, even drinking a beer? HELL NO. Women are for fucking -- and we're for that! -- and only for fucking. Mike Pence can't see any reason to eat a pizza with a chick that doesn't end with his sad bendy p in her holy v.
We're not people, y'all, we're jezebel harlot temptations.
That attitude is why all the pictures of Mike Pence doin' stuff at the White House are men all the way down. Sure, Jesus had women around him, but today's evangelical Pharisees? Not so much.
Oh editrix, you are pooh-poohing, you are taking a nice thing (Mike Pence being faithful to his gay-hating wife) and making it nasty. You're a nasty guy. And failing. Also a puppet.
Guilty as charged!
On the other hand! My husband and I are together ALL THE TIME. We like each other and hold hands too! We also make decisions together (not so much about which gay children to hate, but decisions nonetheless), but if he were to be in a room with a woman who was not his wife, I would not be afraid he would have no choice but to bone her because Satan. Unless it was this chick.
Gal Gadot as Wonder Woman, please do not eat a meal alone with my husband, or be at an event featuring alcohol with him, and if you DO do those things, please try your very hardest not to jump on his dick.
Here's some other ways Karen Pence is an asshole, from the Washington Post:
In 1991, Karen Pence, then an elementary-school teacher, penned a letter to the editor in the Indianapolis Star, complaining that the paper’s “Children’s Express” section had featured an article that “encourages children to think they’re gay or lesbian if they have a close relationship with a child of the same sex” or admire a teacher of the same gender.
“I only pray that most parents were able to intercept your article before their children were encouraged to call the Gay/Lesbian Youth Hotline, which encourages them to ‘accept their homosexuality’ instead of reassuring them that they are not,” she wrote.
Fuck you, Karen, you child-hurting witch. And we'll end it with this:
Among all the frustrations Mike Pence has faced since becoming Trump’s No. 2 — the Access Hollywood tape; the revelation that Michael Flynn, Trump’s former national security adviser, lied to him about his contact with Russians; the failure of the health-care bill for which he lobbied — the most publicly outraged he has become involved an Associated Press story that published his and his wife’s private AOL email addresses.
Mike Pence’s team demanded that the AP take down Karen’s private email, and when it didn’t, the vice president tweeted that his wife was owed an apology.
Someone got her email published? And Mike Pence was GRR MAD about it? Eat me, you hypocritical, un-self-aware black hole where a human person should be. Eat me like you don't eat your wife's vagina.
Rebecca Schoenkopf is the owner, publisher, and editrix of Wonkette. She is a nice lady, SHUT UP YUH HUH. She is very tired with this fucking nonsense all of the time, and it would be terrific if you sent money to keep this bitch afloat. She is on maternity leave until 2033.