Y'all, Mike Pence has a PLAN. For running away from mad old Daddy and staying with Mother, where it's safe.

Politico reports today that Pence is planning on doing his constitutional duty in the Senate on Jan. 6, confirming the reality that the Electoral College voted and Joe Biden will be president and Kamala Harris will be vice president. And then, probably just like this ...

... the man whose childhood nickname was "Bubbles," and maybe that's still his nickname, IN BED, is going to run to the airport and get on an airplane and go where it's safe. Like other countries. He will reportedly do this to hide from the anger of Donald Trump, and also from Trump's garbage supporters who support Trump's coups.


According to three U.S. officials familiar with the planning, the vice president is eyeing a foreign trip that would take him overseas for nearly a week, starting on Jan. 6.

In other words, Pence is at the "Look at Priceline and just put in random dates" stage of this. Maybe he's checking his Orbitz points. Maybe he's asked Mother if he can borrow the credit card, maybe not.

"I suspect the timing is anything but coincidental," one Pence ally said of his tentative travel plans.

Where's he going? Politico says looks like at least Bahrain, Poland, and Israel, probably for a sleepover at Jesus's childhood home. Though we bet he might be inclined to add more stops and stay a bit longer if things seem particularly scary back in America.

Don't worry, there's actual reasons for the trip, honest!

On the surface, the trip is part of a push to underscore the Trump administration's role in brokering a series of diplomatic agreements to normalize relations between Israel and a handful of Arab countries, including Bahrain.

LOL shut up.

Pence really hasn't had much to say about Donald Trump's Kraken lawsuits or his late night tweets of verbatim chyrons from the One America News Network. As Politico reports, he really hasn't been part of that at all. What did Mike Pence do yesterday? Some bullshit anti-abortion event at the White House called ā€” we shit you not ā€” "Life is Winning." Yes, the ostensible head of the White House coronavirus task force held an event called "Life is Winning" on the same day that more than 3,500 Americans died of the coronavirus, a new record. (Know who DIDN'T die of coronavirus? Unborned babbies.)

Otherwise, he's done some shit for Kelly Loeffler and David Perdue, and done some phoning it in related to vaccines being rolled out.

And while Pence has always been eager to kiss Trump's holy grundle when the cameras are running, one gets the sense his mind has moved on. After all, he believes Jesus has decided he will be president, and at this point, enabling Trump's coup is probably getting in the way of his 2024 plans. Also, in reality, and at heart, he and Mother probably secretly still haaaaate Donald Trump.

If Pence leaves for a week after Jan. 6, that'll put him back in America around the last week of Trump's presidency, which would be just in time to become president real quick and pardon Trump, once Trump is convinced he literally can't pardon himself. Pretty much everybody assumes Pence would do that dirty work, but what if he didn't? LOL, guess we'll just have to see.

As for Pence's actual job on Jan. 6, presiding over the Senate as it makes Donald Trump the most official-est loser in the history of all losers, Politico says he's pretty certainly going to do it, as much as it will suck for him. Of course, idiot Alabama GOP Rep. Mo Brooks has been working a plan to throw a dildo into the gears of democracy by officially objecting to the Electoral College count that day. For that to have any effect, an idiot GOP senator would have to throw a similar dildo onto the floor of the upper chamber. And though Mitch McConnell is reportedly pleading with GOP senators not to, since they'd just end up having to go on record voting against Trump and affirming the Electoral College, the Birmingham News reports that there might end up being one idiot senator dumb enough to do it, namely incoming Alabama GOP senator Tommy Tuberville.

Look at this mere fooooooooballlllll coach, trying to do "politics":

Sure, buddy. Dude lost to Vanderbilt, not sure what he thinks he's going to do faced with a president-elect who won the vote of the people by seven million and the Electoral College by a 306-232 landslide.

This post started out being about Mike Pence's Great Israeli Winter Fuck-cation but ended with a #SouthJoke about Tommy Tuberville losing to Vanderbilt. Good blog post, everyone!

[Politico / h/t Joe.My.God]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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