Mike Pence Is Just A Boy, Standing In Front Of The Federalist Society, Begging It To Not Kill Him

Mike Pence Is Just A Boy, Standing In Front Of The Federalist Society, Begging It To Not Kill Him

Sometime on Friday, biscuit-faced former Vice President Mike Pence will stand tall before a gathering of the Federalist Society to reportedly defend his decision to not violate the Constitution and unilaterally hand the presidency to God-King Donald Trump last January.

Or maybe he'll beg for mercy like a pathetic mewling kitten trapped in a drainpipe amid rising water. Could go either way.

Pence has lately been making the rounds of conservative shibboleths — the Ronald Reagan Library, the early primary state of New Hampshire — to do some damage control ahead of 2024, presumably in the hope that his likely presidential run will not be strangled in its crib by a bunch of weirdos wearing goat horns and tactical combat gear. Or as others call them, Republican primary voters:

“Now, there are those in our party who believe that in my position as presiding officer over the joint session, that I possessed the authority to reject or return electoral votes certified by states,” he said. “But the Constitution provides the vice president with no such authority before the joint session of Congress. And the truth is, there’s almost no idea more un-American than the notion that any one person could choose the American president.”

This would be a good message for a party still committed to democracy. Unfortunately, the GOP is now more committed to being a cargo cult for the orange-faced giant blobfish that washed up on its shores a few years ago and has captured even the Christian missionary types who could once have been counted on to visit the cult's island and try to convince it to worship a totally imaginary being instead of a dead fish.

Pence had stayed away from this conversation for most of the past year, preferring to hide out doing the things that spark joy for Mike Pence — drinking water, stuffing himself full of Saltines and cottage cheese, whatever. But a couple of factors may be pushing him to speak out a little more. One is the aforementioned 2024 presidential election, which because of America's never-ending election season actually began sometime around 1916 or so.

The other factor might be former President Brainworms' recent admissions. His enablers have spent a year saying he just wanted to send some of the electors back to the states while their legislatures searched for nonexistent voter fraud. Illegal in its own right, but the enablers could still hide behind the cry of "what harm can it do to indulge this crazy person to whom we've given the nuclear codes." (Lots, by the way. The answer is lots and lots of harm.)

But then last week Trump announced that AKSHUALLY, he really did want Pence to "overturn" the election right then and there. Oops! He really has been trying to kill the boy, but so far unsuccessfully.

So good luck to Pence as he attempts to sing this particular nest of hornets to sleep. Even the Federalist Society might want to back Trump again so long as he's the frontrunner. After all, the people still have a few rights that the Society's hand-picked judges have yet to extinguish.

FLASHBACK: Trump Keeps Confessing To All The Coups


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