Mike Pence Not Running For President In 2020, Uh Huh Yeah Right SAY IT TO JESUS, MIKE
His favorite number is 46.
Mike Pence is not running for president in 2020. Mike Pence is not running for president in 2020. Mike Pence is not running for president in 2020! He is so angry people are saying that, and if he didn't know his wife "Mother" would paddle his bottom, he might be tempted by Satan to say a cuss!
You see, the New York Times did a story that said Pence is lurking in the shadows and Pulling A Sneaky, fundraising and laying the groundwork for running for president in 2020. Is that happening? Oh sure, probably! Just fooling, NO IT ISN'T, ACCORDING TO THE VICE PRESIDENTIAL OFFICE OF MICHAEL RICHARD PENCE:
Strong words! Disgraceful! Offensive to his family! HURTED MOTHER'S FEELINGS! FAKE NEWS!
Mike Pence right now, probably.
What's that whole thing about when the lady doth protest too much? We feel like Mike Pence might be the lady they were talking about.
Kellyanne Conway did the TV shows on Sunday and said the NYT was bigly wrong, that Pence is getting ready for 2020, but just so he can be the Vice President of Trump again. She never lies, so we are believing her right now, in our hearts.
Anyway, the NYT reported on Pence's statement (which was probably intended for just one man's beady little fucking eyes), and made sure to assert that it stands behind its original reporting. Then the NYT restated all of its reporting, just in case you didn't hear them the first time.
And oh, what reporting it was! It wasn't just about Pence, but rather about how approximately one million Republicans are making moves that signal possible runs in 2020:
Senators Tom Cotton and Ben Sasse have already been to Iowa this year, Gov. John Kasich is eyeing a return visit to New Hampshire, and Mike Pence’s schedule is so full of political events that Republicans joke that he is acting more like a second-term vice president hoping to clear the field than a No. 2 sworn in a little over six months ago.
President Trump’s first term is ostensibly just warming up, but luminaries in his own party have begun what amounts to a shadow campaign for 2020 — as if the current occupant of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue weren’t involved.
UN Ambassador Nikki Haley's name shows up in there too!
Regardless, this is shocking, considering how Trump won the election by negative millions of popular votes, he's beloved by 33 whole percent of the population after just six months, and oh yeah, that thing about how special counsel Robert Mueller is showing grand juries all his sexxxy Trump-Russia evidence. Are the "more than 75 Republicans at every level of the party, elected officials, donors and strategists" the NYT talked to for its story all SMOKING DRUGS? Were the Pence advisers the NYT spoke to crazy to say Pence is doing a shadow campaign on the off chance Trump isn't "available" in 2020? (Like maybe if he is in jail? OH PLEASE JESUS, OH PLEASE JESUS, FIX IT JESUS.)
The NYT notes several things Pence has done, none of which should give any of you the wrong idea about how maybe one day "Mother" will be first lady, preferably a day in early 2021 if things go their way. Pence's PAC has raised way more ameros than Donald Trump's PAC, and he's hired a new chief of staff named Nick Ayers, who is a campaign-veteran-type guy as opposed to a government-type guy. Also too, he invites sexxxy GOP movers and shakers (Koch people) and hate group leaders (Tony Perkins of the Family Research Council) over for intimate dinners at the Naval Observatory.
But maybe that's all nothing! Maybe the Koch people are giving him advice about investments or something, and he could simply be inviting Tony Perkins over because they're secretly dating. IT COULD BE SOMETHING INNOCENT AND CLOSET-CASE GAY LIKE THAT, YOU DON'T KNOW.
We're not saying this is Mike Pence's lover, but we're not saying it's UNPOSSIBLE either.
So maybe Pence won't be running to be the new president in 2020. OR MAYBE HE WILL. Maybe he will ALREADY be president and he will be running for RE-ELECTION, like if the Deep State quit-fires Trump next Tuesday. It could happen!
Regardless, we should keep this rumor going, because we bet talk like this chaps Trump's ass TREMENDOUSLY.
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Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.
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