Mike Pence Was Just Following Orders, Forgive Him Mother For He Has Sinned!

Ladies and gentleladies, we have officially reached the phase of #IMPEACH where the forks and the knives are coming out and the White House is starting to eat itself for breakfast.

The Washington Posthit with a scoop last night that said, according to SOME people, Vice President Mike Pence did all the crimes for Donald Trump, but he had no idea what he was doing, and he was just following orders, like when Mother says "Unload the dishwasher" or "No be alone with ladies." He doesn't ask questions! The people saying this can be loosely described as "Mike Pence's staff." On the other side are folks saying he totally knew what he was doing, DO THE CRIME, DO THE TIME. Those people can loosely be described as "senior White House official."

The Post reminds us that back in May, Trump had Pence cancel his trip to new Ukrainian president Volodymyr Zelenskiy's inauguration. Then in September, Trump had Pence go to Poland to meet with Zelenskiy, with instructions to tell him to focus on corruption, because Trump had important dicks to draw on hurricane maps. In between those two events, on July 25, was Trump's treason call, on which it was made entirely clear to Zelenskiy that, when Trump says "corruption," he means "fuck the Bidens a lot, and also do fake investigations of Trump's wet fart fever dream conspiracy theories about what really happened in 2016."

If fucker did not know what was up, fucker is DUMB.

But before we get to the He Said She Said part, let's note something glaring that the White House is now admitting, at least anonymously through Washington Post reporters:

[In September], the president used Pence to tell Zelensky that U.S. aid was still being withheld while demanding more aggressive action on corruption, officials said. At that time — following Trump's July 25 phone call with Zelenksy — the Ukrainians probably understood action on corruption to include the investigation of former vice president Joe Biden and his son Hunter Biden.

Emphasis ours because "corruption" is code for "make up shit about Biden," and that is "White House officials" just saying that Pence was being dispatched to literally say Ukraine doesn't get the cash it desperately needs to fight off Russia if it doesn't do Trump his "favors." Pence didn't say "Biden," because he didn't have to.

They're just making this impeachment thing easier and easier, aren't they!

OK, now for the White House drama of these terrible people eating each other for breakfast, but not literally, Mother wouldn't approve!

Pence people say:

Officials close to Pence insist that he was unaware of Trump's efforts to press Zelensky for damaging information about Biden and his son ...

Trump people say:

Perhaps most significantly, one of Pence's top advisers was on the July 25 call and the vice president should have had access to the transcript within hours, officials said.

OHHHH, so on top of Mike Pompeo -- well not literally on top, Mother wouldn't approve! -- Pence's guy was on the treason call too? Specifically his national security guy? Cool. And Pence would have gotten the transcript, and therefore would have had it in his briefing papers on the plane when he went to Poland in September to say "NO CORRUPTION"? Neat.

Pence people say:

Officials close to Pence contend that he traveled to Warsaw for a meeting with Zelensky on Sept. 1 probably without having read — or at least fully registered — the transcript of Trump's July 25 call with the leader of Ukraine.

Pence people say Pence is not the brightest lighthouse on the seashore.

Trump people say:

White House officials said that Pence probably would have received the detailed notes of the president's call in his briefing book on July 26. The five-page document also should have been part of the briefing materials he took with him to Warsaw to prepare for the meeting, according to the officials.

So if he didn't read it, Trump people are saying, then Pence definitely did the crimes for Trump, but he didn't apply himself.


A Pence aide disputed the notion that the vice president was poorly prepared for his meeting with Zelensky, and pointed to the eventual outcome — that the Trump administration ultimately released the aid — as a sign of a productive meeting.

Crime complete, boss! May he have another?

Pence people also say Pence was not saying "codes" to the Ukrainian president, NO CODES, NO CODES, YOU ARE THE CODES!

A top Pence staffer rejected the charge that the vice president was conveying an inappropriate — or coded — message from the president.

"The president consistently raised concerns about corruption and the lack of burden-sharing by European partners, so having run on an anti-corruption campaign, Zelensky was receptive to those messages," said Marc Short, Pence's chief of staff. "The vice president, as your reporting says, reported back to the president after the meeting and the aid was released."


Mike Pence is pretty good at playing dumb -- it's like his specialty in life. But we've also read a lot about the guy that suggests he's much more of an operator than he likes to let on. And as Jonathan Chait points out, Pence seemed to be able to make the connection between "corruption" and "Biden" in an interview the day after his meeting with Zelenskiy, because when Simon Said "Biden," Pence said "corruption." Here is that exchange between a smart reporter and Pence:

REPORTER: I wanted to ask you about your meeting yesterday with the Ukrainian President and for an update on Ukrainian security aid money.

Specifically, number one, did you discuss Joe Biden at all during that meeting yesterday with the Ukrainian President? And number two, can you assure Ukraine that the hold-up of that money has absolutely nothing to do with efforts, including by Rudy Giuliani, to try to dig up dirt on the Biden family?

VICE PRESIDENT PENCE: Well, on the first question, the answer is no. But we — with President Zelensky yesterday, we discussed — we discussed America's support for Ukraine and the upcoming decision the President will make on the latest tranche of financial support in great detail.

The President asked me to meet with President Zelensky and to talk about the progress that he's making on a broad range of areas. And we did that. [...]

But as President Trump had me make clear, we have great concerns about issues of corruption. And, fortunately, President Zelensky was elected decisively on an anti-corruption message. And he and I discussed yesterday that as he's assembled his cabinet, and as his parliament has convened, that even in the early days, he informed me that there have been more than 250 bills filed for — that address the issue of public corruption and really restoring integrity to the public process.

I mean, to invest additional taxpayer in Ukraine, the President wants to be assured that those resources are truly making their way to the kind of investments that will contribute to security and stability in Ukraine. And that's an expectation the American people have and the President has expressed very clearly.

Huh, wonder what that was doing in Mike Pence's innocent brain! (Paging Mother!)

Ever since news of Trump's treason phone call and the whistleblower complaint that describes it came out, Donald Trump has, at times, asserted out of nowhere that maybe people should look at MIKE PENCE'S CALLS with Ukraine, which are obviously "perfect," just like all the calls the Trump administration has with everybody. It's sure seemed like Trump The Mob Boss trying to make sure that if he's going down, the rest of the Family is fucked too.

And now in this Washington Post piece, Mike Pence strikes back, with the dumbest excuses imaginable.

Tell you what, though, we're barely a week into Trump's impeachment, and if they're already eating each other this much, this shit's gonna get fun.

Sounds like Trump (or his staff at least) really thinks there's a real chance he might be removed, and if so, they're gonna take Pence down with them.

Also sounds like Pence really thinks there's a real chance Trump might be removed -- and if so, well, Mother is picking out Mary Engelbreit curtains for the White House master bathroom right now, she is just saying, just in case, ALLEGEDLY.

[Washington Post]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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