Minnesota's Hottest Free Airbnb For Caravan Migrants Is Carol's Lake House!

Donald Trump's latest thing is that there is a CARAVAN of MEXICAN RAPISTS who are coming to KILL YOU in SINGLE FILE. It's a bit ... um ... unhinged, but then again, everything about Donald Trump is unhinged.

Of course, there is a migrant caravan moving through Central America. They want to apply for refugee status, which is weird because hasn't Trump been trying his damnedest to turn America into a true shithole country nobody wants to go to? He sure has. And yet!

Trump upped the ante on Monday with a tweet declaring a "NATIONAL EMERGY" that stated that "unknown Middle Easterners" are embedded in the caravan, because why wouldn't terrorists join a very large, visible group of people who'll be immediately met by law enforcement if they make it to the US border at all? (CNN is trying not to laugh.) This is obviously part of the president's strategy to bring his voters out to the polls with pants full of fear and poop, because of the unknown Middle Eastern Mexican Central Americans who are coming to their house right now to KILL THEM ALL.

And would you be surprised to learn that his very stupid followers are buying what he is selling? No you would not.

The New York Times has a report on Trump's efforts, and the greater GOP's efforts, to scare the living fuck out of their racist voters so they will racistly go to the polls and pull the lever for some GOP racists on November 6. All the way down at the bottom of the article, we meet a Trump idiot named Carol who is literally scared that the migrants are coming to steal her house, and even worse than that, they are going to steal her friends' summer cottages. Oh, the horrors! Do you want to know where Carol lives?

Mr. Trump's dystopian imagery has clearly left an impression with some. Carol Shields, 75, a Republican in northern Minnesota, said she was afraid that migrant gangs could take over people's summer lake homes in the state.

"What's to stop them?" said Ms. Shields, a retired accountant. "We have a lot of people who live on lakes in the summer and winter someplace else. When they come back in the spring, their house would be occupied."

First of all, bless Carol's heart. It's entirely possible she is kin to that lady who looked at John McCain and mumbled fearful words about how Barack Obama is an Arab, according to what she read on the bulletin board at her local Big Lots. It's also possible she is kin to Maybelle, the Roy Moore voter who can't wait to see what kind of kitchen appliances they have in heaven.

"What's to stop them," asked Carol, apparently unaware that she sounds literally fucking insane right now? Oh, just Mexican gangs and cartels and the US-Mexico border and Fox News vigilantes who hide in the bushes at the border trying to make sure people in need of refuge at the inn are turned away like a common Mary and Joseph. And then they'd have to cross Texas and Arkansas and Missouri and Iowa and go all the way up to the top of Minnesota, without being detected, so they can all violently move into Carol's house and Carol's friends' houses.

Hey, it could happen.

So sure, why not, fuck it, HEY, CARAVAN, ARE YOU LISTENING? Because the hottest free Airbnb in the whole country for thousands of undetected migrants traversing entire continents is probably Carol's house. We are guessing it's on Lake Superior, but it might be on one of the many other lakes up that-a-way. Hell, maybe it's not even Carol's house, because maybe Carol doesn't even have a lake house and she's just worried for the rich white people who decamp to southern climes when Minnesota's winter weather becomes unbearable, in late September or so.

Regardless, we imagine Carol's house has lots of bedrooms and can sleep a whole entire caravan at once, so don't worry about where you're going to lay your head! Want to Netflix 'n' chill with your entire caravan? Carol's probably ready for that too. We have no idea what her Netflix password is, but if we had to make an educated guess, we'd say it's "BRB shitting my pants about brown foreigners right now."

The best thing about Carol's place (ALLEGEDLY) is that she's expecting you! For real! (ALLEGEDLY!) She literally thinks thousands of people are going to walk from Central America to HER MINNESOTA HOUSE, and then insist on living there forever. So let's take her up on her hospitality!

Oh, Wonkette is just being silly. We are not going to make this happen.


Probably not, as we are literally busy with everything else in the world right now.

But just in case, we just printed out a really sexxxxy glossy brochure on Carol's house and we are going to Central America to give it to the caravan real fast, so BRB.

LOL just kidding, no we didn't.

The point of this post is GET A GRIP, CAROL.

[New York Times]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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