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The Trump children are out to play, aren't you excited? Of course, as if this even needs to be said, Barron Trump is not who we are talking about when we call the Trump kids "crapsacks," as he is an innocent minor child and that's mean. And we're not really talking about Tiffany, because meh Tiffany whatever. But the oldest, OG Trump spawn are clogging up the news on this lovely Friday, so let's briefly look at what the fuck is up with these terrible people.


Eric Trump Remembers The First Time Daddy Told Him About The Deep State

The thing that happened after Donald and Ivana had wasted all the "good" DNA on Junior and Ivanka was on "Fox & Friends" this morning with his wife, Lara, who recently announced she is pragnent with devil new Trump babby. Here's a video of the two of them talking about the Deep State, followed by a lightly paraphrased transcript:

ERIC: The Deep State is real!

LARA: Know who told us about Deep State? Daddy did.

ERIC: Daddy is my favorite of all the Daddies.

LARA: I know! We should all listen to Daddy more.

ERIC: DADDY GOOD!

And then young Eric said everybody is mean and hates his Daddy, therefore they "make up conspiracies" about Daddy. Yes, this is the son of the man who currently says there is an apocalyptic war happening on the southern border and that windmills cause cancer and that Barack Obama was born in Not America and that Obama put "wire tapps" inside his fanny and that global warming is a Chinese hoax and that he won the election fair and square and that millions of "illegals" voted for Hillary Clinton and ... yeah. Tell us about people makin' up conspiracy theories about Daddy, Eric!

OK, enough of that shit, let's check in with a different crap-sack.

Hey, IVANKS! What are you doing, IVANKS?

There's a new profile of Ivanka Trump in The Atlantic, let's see how many paragraphs into it we can get before we want to commit hara-kiri:

You could tell by his eyes, the way they popped and gleamed and fixed on someone behind me. Only one person gets that kind of look from Donald Trump. "Oh!" the president said. "Ivanka!"

Ivanka Trump lifted her hands, astonished. "I forgot you guys were meeting—I was just coming by!" she said. "Uh-oh!"

Two paragraphs. Two very short paragraphs. UH-OH!

Elsewhere in the profile Daddy lies and says Ivanka has "created millions of jobs" (maybe for sweatshop children in Southeast Asia, dunno), that he really wants to nominate her for all the jobs, including the United Nations and the World Bank, but not because of nepotism, nope that's not it at all. Jared's nickname for her is "Ivanks," which is not cute, but he does make her breakfast every morning, which is nice of him, we guess.

Also, she found out her dad was a cheating pig in 1989, on a trip to Aspen:

Donald Trump had taken his wife, Ivana, and their three children—11-year-old Don, 8-year-old Ivanka, and 5-year-old Eric—for a week-long stay at the Little Nell hotel. He had also brought along his 26-year-old mistress, Marla Maples, dispatching his airplane to pick her up in Tennessee and stashing her in a penthouse not far from his family. A few days into the trip, they all collided at a restaurant on the mountain. During the screaming match that ensued between her and Ivana, Maples let out a triumphant cry: "It's out! It's finally out!" The kids didn't say a word.

That's healthy.

Also there is this quote from Daddy, about how he is proud of all his children, even "To A Lesser Extent Tiffany" and Don Jr., the one he thinks is really stupid, but of course, one rises above them all:

"Barron is young, but he's got wonderful potential," he said. "And Tiffany's doing extremely well. Don is, uh, he's enjoying politics; actually, it's very good. And Eric is running the business along with Don, and also very much into politics. I mean, the children—the children have been very, very good."

But Ivanka, whom he sometimes calls "Baby" in official meetings, is "unique."

Don and Eric were supposed to keep their uncomfortable-looking faces out of politics and run the business, but LOL nothing matters in Trump's America. The point is that Trump is proud of all of them, but Ivanka is the one who makes him say "Oh!" and Daddy is the one who makes Ivanka say "Uh-oh!"

There are other words in the profile, about how nobody knows what Ivanka does for a living in the White House, how she is "poised," how she has a Burning Man coffee table book in her West Wing office, but we got bored about a third of the way in, and so should you.

And that brings us to the biggest dipshit of them all!

There's nothing in particular in the news about Dipshit right now (or maybe there is, dunno, didn't look), but here's a fucked up picture of his face we screengrabbed from his Christmas video on Instagram:

THE END.

[The Atlantic]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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