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This Thursday, the Missouri House voted 110-37 to pass a bill meant to protect the "life, liberty, the pursuit of happiness and the enjoyment of the gains of their own industry” of fertilized eggs like the one pictured above -- which, if passed by the state senate and signed by the governor, would effectively outlaw abortion. Well, at least for about five minutes until a court told them they could not outlaw abortion, as has happened basically every time any state has tried to pass a bill like this. But that doesn't mean they're not gonna try! Because just look at that zygote! Why would you want to deprive that zygote of enjoying the gains of its own industry? Who is gonna get paid for all the modeling it's doing?


The bill declares every fertilized egg a fully fledged human being with all the rights of you or I, meaning that you could not murder it even if a rapist put it there. This, actually, is an awesome thing for rape victims, according to Rep. Tila Hubrecht (R-All the uteri). Because although being raped is maybe not THAT good of a time, "God can give us a silver lining through the birth of a child."

You know, it's true -- no one ever looks on the bright side of rape. No one but Rep. Tila Hubrecht has even bothered to consider the fact that maybe rapists are actually doing their victims a favor by inseminating them. Besides, if God didn't want them to get pregnant against their will, then he wouldn't have made someone rape them while they were ovulating. He works in such mysterious ways! (Hey, wasn't there a U.S. Congressman from Missouri one time who was pretty sure women can't even get pregnant from "legitimate rape" because their bodies have "ways to try to shut that whole thing down"? These Missouri Republicans know what's up.)

Heck! There are even many circumstances in which God is totally cool with rape, so long as it fits within certain guidelines!

“When you go out to war against your enemies and the LORD, your God, delivers them into your hand, so that you take captives, if you see a comely woman among the captives and become so enamored of her that you wish to have her as wife, you may take her home to your house. But before she may live there, she must shave her head and pare her nails and lay aside her captive’s garb. After she has mourned her father and mother for a full month, you may have relations with her, and you shall be her husband and she shall be your wife. However, if later on you lose your liking for her, you shall give her her freedom, if she wishes it; but you shall not sell her or enslave her, since she was married to you under compulsion.”

There are NO circumstances in which God approves of murdering a zygote. He might command you to kill a baby from time to time, but never a zygote. God loves all the zygotes. Except for those conceived by infidelity, in order to punish the woman doing the infidelity. Not so she can have like, a life or something.

BUT I DIGRESS.

The state of Missouri simply hopes to add to their impending joy by forcing them to carry the baby to term, which will give them the beautiful opportunity to contribute to the state's economy by paying $8,805-$18,474 for the birth alone! And that doesn't even include the cost of pre-natal care, or the cost of actually raising a child if they didn't give it up for adoption! Or the cost of therapy from the trauma of being forced to carry the child of the man who forced them to have sex with him. How cool is that? It would be sort of like their vagina was MISSOURI'S vagina.

Even better, with the wording of the bill, many forms of birth control will be outlawed as well, which would increase the number of unwanted babies across the state. Exciting!

By the way! The original title of this bill was, naturally, the "All Lives Matter" bill. Because why just fuck with abortion-havers when you can ALSO fuck with black people, amirite? Especially given that it was written at a time when all the mean black people were going around Missouri telling white people that their lives didn't matter AT ALL, just because they don't get shot by cops all the time when they are unarmed.

SADLY, as I mentioned in the beginning, even if this bill passes, it'll get struck down, because you're definitely not allowed to ban abortion, no matter how super clever you are about your wording. So all the hard work of the Missouri House will be for naught, and many sexual assault victims will be tragically denied the joy of being forced to have silver lining rape babies.

[Kansas City Star]

Robyn Pennacchia

Robyn Pennacchia is a brilliant, fabulously talented and visually stunning angel of a human being, who shrugged off what she is pretty sure would have been a Tony Award-winning career in musical theater in order to write about stuff on the internet. Previously, she was a Senior Staff Writer at Death & Taxes, and Assistant Editor at The Frisky (RIP). Currently, she writes for Wonkette, Friendly Atheist, Quartz and other sites. Follow her on Twitter at @RobynElyse

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Once upon a time... about ten years ago, a group of entirely ridiculous men burst onto the scene wearing stupid hats and telling men that wearing stupid hats and telling men that walking up to women in bars and insulting ("negging") them would get them laid. This did not last long, as women also had televisions and computers and were completely aware of these tricks as well, so when some ass came up to us in a bar and said "Hey, nice nails, are they real?" we would laugh and laugh and loudly announce "Oh my god, this guy just tried to neg me! Can you believe that shit? HEY EVERYONE, THIS GUY JUST TRIED TO NEG ME!" and then refer to him as "Mystery" the whole night.

Most of the men who tried that shit only did so a few times before realizing that it wasn't going to work, and thus moved on to other things. Perhaps things that did not involve furry hats and coming off as a huge creep. We may never know, because I would assume that those who tried it are now extremely embarrassed and would never, ever admit to this to us.

Still, there were a few men willing to eat that shit up, as well as some grifters willing to take advantage of that. Said grifters tended to be extremely misogynistic and seemed more like they were teaching men how to be as despised by women as they were than teaching them how to actually be liked by women.

Some of them, like Roosh V, a creepy weirdo who actually does live in his mom's basement, actively encouraged men to rape women who were intoxicated to the point of being obviously unable to consent.

However, even that branch of the PUA tree is wilting away. Many "self-help" style PUA forums like Nextasf and RSDnation are shutting down or have already shut down. In March, Chateau Heartiste, a batshit crazy PUA turned White Nationalist/Alt-Right blog was shut down by Wordpress. This week, rape advocate Roosh V (whom you may recall once called yours truly a "Wonkette typist/clown face, would not bang") announced that he was renouncing his PUA ways and devoting himself to Jesus. He explained to the forum he manages that he would no longer be allowing anyone to discuss premarital "fornication."

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'Baby Geniuses' star Jon Voight took to Twitter early this morning to proclaim his undying love for Donald Trump, probably because there is no one left in his life who will listen to him talk about this, or anything else, in person. In this video rant, Voight encouraged members of the Republican Party, whom he apparently thinks are the only real citizens of the United States, to stand by Donald Trump and "acknowledge the truth" that he is the best President since Abraham Lincoln.


Part ONE:

People of the Republican Party, I know you will agree with me when I say our president has our utmost respect and our love. This job is not easy. For he's battling the left and their absurd words of destruction. I've said this once and I'll say this again. That our nation has been built on the solid ground from our forefathers, and there is a moral code of duty that has been passed on from President Lincoln. I'm here today to acknowledge the truth, and I'm here today to tell you my fellow Americans that our country…

Oh no, not our absurd words of destruction!

Part DEUX:

is stronger, safer, and with more jobs because our President has made his every move correct. Don't be fooled by the political left, because we are the people of this nation that is witnessing triumph. So let us stand with our president. Let us stand up for this truth, that President Trump is the greatest president since President Lincoln.

Does Jon Voight not know there have been... other presidents? Can he name them? Because really, it does not sound like it. Does he also not know that a very big chunk of the Republican Party actually does not care very much for Abraham Lincoln? Namely those defenders of Confederate statues that Trump called "very fine people?" Also, did he intentionally diss their beloved Ronald Reagan?

Who can know? Who can even tell what he is trying to say or why he is trying to say it. He doesn't appear to have tweeted much since 2016, so I'm guessing whoever's job it was to keep him from tanking his career quit. Either that... or after filming the seventh season of Ray Donovan, he found out it's going to be canceled or his character is getting killed off or something and he is now free to be a jackass? I don't know, I haven't watched the show, although my parents are very into it and mad that I haven't watched it. Literally all I know about it is that it has something to do with Boston, because they keep mentioning that to me like it's a selling point.

It seems useless at this point to note that the people who scream their faces off about how bad it is for Hollywood celebs to support liberal causes, and how they should keep their politics to themselves, etc. etc. make a way bigger deal than normal people do whenever a Big Time Hollywood Celebrity like Jon Voight or, uh, Scott Baio, supports their cause. Mostly because they're the only ones who have elected a reality TV star and the star of Bedtime for Bonzo (who by the way, also once practically ruined a perfectly good Bette Davis movie with his bad acting. Which is not to say that Dark Victory is not fantastic and probably the best thing to watch if you want to sob your face off, but he was very bad in it.) to run the country.

But we might as well do that anyway, because it actually never stops being funny.

[Jon Voight Twitter]

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