Mitch McConnell Braces For Trump To Announce Slate Of Dipsh*t Endorsements
This Friday, we'd like to discuss the state of Mitch McConnell's colon. HEY, WAIT, WHERE ARE YOU GOING? Come back, we promise it's good. See, we're guessing Ol' Yertle's turtle intestines are pretty rumbly of late as he contemplates exactly how much damage Donald Trump could do to the GOP's chances at taking back the chamber.
Just this weekend, Trump upended North Carolina's US Senate primary by announcing his endorsement of Rep. Ted Budd, a gun-store owner who pleased the Dear Leader by voting in the House against certifying the election results and signing on to Texas AG Ken Paxton's doomed lawsuit to get SCOTUS to give Trump another term. (Paxton is currently under investigation by his own state bar for putting his name on such a flagrantly abusive piece of crap.)
The endorsement came as a surprise to North Carolina Republicans, who think former Governor Pat McCrory has the best chance to hang on to the seat that opens when Sen. Richard Burr retires, according to the Charlotte Observer. A recent poll put McCrory at 40 percent, trailed by former Congressman Mark Walker at 10.5 percent, with Budd clocking in at an unimpressive 4.8 percent. But that's just the voters. When it comes to stroking Trump's
fleshy bits ego, Budd leads the pack.
Over at the National Journal, Josh Kraushaar has a nice rundown of a bunch of shitty candidates with whom Trump could saddle the GOP the way he did in 2018. That's when he handed the Kansas statehouse over to Democrat Laura Kelly by dragging Kris Kobach's sorry carcass over the finish line in the primary.
There's Eric Greitens, in Missouri, who resigned as governor after his former lover accused him of tying her down and taking a naked photograph to ensure she'd never tell anyone about their affair. Greitens has hired Don Jr.'s ladyfriend Kimberly Guilfoyle as his campaign chair, upping the odds that he'll get the Big Man's blessing instead of the equally vile but less disgraced Rep. Vicky Hartzler, who announced her candidacy yesterday. Missouri is a pretty red state, but if anyone can lose this race, it might be Greitens.
In Georgia, where Republicans are desperate to avenge their 2020 losses, Trump has the hots for retired football player Herschel Walker. Despite the fact that Walker does not reside in the Peach State and has shown no inclination to run, the former president (AKA the "least racist person alive") has decided he's the one to take on Sen. Raphael Warnock. This has not encouraged actual Georgians to throw their hats in the ring, and Trump's continued attacks on Brian Kemp, the Republican governor staring down a presumed rematch with Stacey Abrams, aren't helping either. Even if Kemp survives a primary challenge from whoever gets the Trump nod in the primary, he's still weaker going into the general.
Hey, remember five months ago when Trump's lies about the election cost Republicans two Senate seats in Georgia and control of the Senate? How you livin', Minority Leader Mitch?
Over in Ohio, where Sen. Rob Portman is also retiring, Trump hasn't yet endorsed. But with two statewide races, there's potential for him to cause major headaches for a state GOP that has been roiled by a massive Republican bribery scandal. Former Congressman Jim Renacci, who tried and failed to unseat Democratic Sen. Sherrod Brown in 2018, has just declared his intention to primary Republican Governor Mike DeWine, whom Trump loathes for his failure to endorse the Big Lie, and before that his rational approach to COVID. Josh Mandel, the boy wonder State Treasurer we all watched set fire to his mask inside the common hallway of an apartment building a few days ago, is hoping to replace Portman. And if anyone can bollix this lay up, it's that dipshit.
In Arizona, where Sen. Mark Kelly has to defend his seat next year after winning it in a special election last November, Trump already shit on the declared Republican challenger, Attorney General Mark Brnovich, for failure to sufficiently hype the Arizona Fraudit. Plus, Alaska Senator Lisa Murkowski voted for impeachment, so she's on his hit list for sure. And God only knows what MAGA troll Trump will take a shine to in Pennsylvania this cycle.
And that's before we get to the chaos Trump could unleash in the 435 House races, which is a post for another day. Because this is a post about Mitch McConnell's kishkes, which are doubtless tied up in knots at the prospect of getting boned by the Maniac of Mar-a-Lago. Again.
Because, as someone once said, "If we nominate Trump, we will get destroyed. And we will deserve it."
Yep, that about sums it up. And it couldn't happen to a nicer party.
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Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.