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Good afternoon from the United States Capitol, where we Not Are! The Senate impeachment trial of Donald John Trump commences today, and we are ready for the shitshow, we guess!

In the dead of night last night, Moscow Mitch McConnell finally released his proposed Senate rules, and oh boy, we guess he's just decided he wants to do cover-ups for Trump in plain sight. In short, it's Merrick Garland all over again, and if you don't like it, or if you DO like fair trials and democracy and our American experiment, you can go fuck yourself with McConnell's spare turtle shell.

Here are some highlights of the proposed rules:

1. MAYBE they will admit the House's evidentiary record on Trump in the Senate trial, MAYBE THEY WON'T. They'll just have to vote on that. Wonder what McConnell's trying to hide.

2. Sure, the House gets 24 hours to present its case against Trump, and so do Trump's lawyers. Those 24 hours must happen over the course of only two days, and with the trial starting at 1 p.m. Eastern each day, that means Mitch McConnell would like as much of this to happen in the dead of night as possible. Wonder what McConnell's trying to hide.

3. Maybe after that they will vote on some witnesses. Maybe.

Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer is pissed, and calls McConnell's rules a "national disgrace."

Oh hey, did you hear the Trump White House is losing a ton of sleep and pooping its pants over the possibility of John Bolton testifying, so according to the Washington Post, they are thinking maybe they will get any eventual Bolton testimony to happen -- wait for it -- in a CLASSIFIED ROOM -- and they will do that for -- wait for it -- NATIONAL SECURITY PURPOSES.

You know, because that wasn't OK when the House was doing depositions during the impeachment inquiry (to keep witnesses from coordinating their stories), but it is OK when you are trying to do cover-ups for Donald Trump.

Of course, it's funny, because the Post article reads as if this is a decision the Trump White House feels it has the authority to make, which would mean Mitch McConnell is just going to give them the authority to make it.

Mitch McConnell is already talking, so let's just start the liveblog and we'll fill you in on other things as we go.


Here's a video!

www.youtube.com

12:57: Hello! Chuck Schumer has been making a FIRE floor speech about "WHAT IS THE PRESIDENT TRYING TO HIDE" and "I HE WAS SO INNOCENT YOU'D THINK HE WOULDN'T BE SO CHICKENSHIT ABOUT SENDING HIS PEOPLE OVER TO TESTIFY" and "THESE AREN'T THE GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKING CLINTON RULES YOU LIARS."

Anyway, he vows to do all the motions he has to this afternoon to try to actually create a fair trial. We shall see what endangered Republican senators do. If they vote against a fair trial, FUCK THEM. (With votes! In November!)

1:10: Today's session should have officially started by now, but there are still senators milling around eating burritos and going to the bathroom. Claire McCaskill just said on MSNBC that the Senate is funny because of how nothing happens on time in the Senate, aren't you excited to spend the next several weeks of your life with "Senate"?

Here's a thing! Did you know that Donald Trump has apparently actually won the battle with McConnell over whether to send the biggest fucking idiots in the House over to be on his impeachment team? McConnell was like "ehhhhhhhhh but Jim Jordan is very fucking stupid?" And Donald Trump was like "BEST PEOPLE!"

So these people, who shouldn't be allowed to walk dogs in polite society, will be joining Trump's team:

The team will consist of Rep. Doug Collins (R-GA), Rep. Mike Johnson (R-LA), Rep. Jim Jordan (R-OH), Rep. Debbie Lesko (R-AZ), Rep. Mark Meadows (R-NC), Rep. John Ratcliffe (R-TX), Rep. Elise Stefanik (R-NY), and Rep. Lee Zeldin (R-NY).

YIKES.

1:19: And we are actually getting started.

Hey, did you hear the House impeachment managers sent White House counsel Pat Cipollone a letter just noting that actually he is a fact witness in this trial and actually it is inappropriate for him to be defending Trump in this trial without disclosing what he knows? That happened.

1:27: McConnell's BS impeachment resolution was just read, and now debate will begin. Pat Cipollone LOVES IT, Adam Schiff hates it. This is because it is 100 percent a cover-up for Donald Trump.

This, by the way, is Cipollone, the guy we've been making fun of for months around here.

1:30: SCHIFF: These proposed rules are horseshit and here is why. The charges in this impeachment are literally the "most serious" ever levied against a president. He tried to force a country to help him cheat in this year's election, and that country is called Ukraine and he put their congressionally appropriated aid for their war against Russia inside his scaly orange A-hole while he did it, which is a crime. Soliciting foreign interference in elections, which Trump also has a habit of COUGH COUGH, is also a fucking crime.

Oh yeah, and of course he obstructed Congress. He's doing it right now. Look at his fucking lawyer over there. And now look what that dumb asshole wrote.

So yes, we need a real trial and real witnesses and fuck Mitch McConnell, Amen.

1:35: Schiff notes from the outset that the evidence they present will not be "seriously contested," because spoiler, Trump has no defense. He did it.

1:37: SCHIFF: What if you were on jury duty and the defense attorney was like "Oh hey I talked to the judge and he says he's going to do collusion with us to get us off, in the sex way"? WOULD THAT BE A TRIAL? HAVE YOU NO DECENCY SIR?

1:44: Schiff continues, saying Americans want a fair trial, and know this isn't going to be one. Notes that the first damn thing they need is alllllllll the documents the Trump White House has so far withheld. Here is a comparison:

1:48: SCHIFF: Hey, did you hear the GAO found Trump's withholding of the Ukraine aid was CRIME? Did you hear about Lev Parnas and all his damn RECEIPTS? Did you hear about all the witnesses who listed out Trump's crimes on TV, and how Gordon Sondland, after he stopped lying, said "everyone was in the loop" on the crime spree?

1:53: SCHIFF: Oh look, here is a clip of Donald Trump, who has never actually invoked privilege, saying a while back that he'd LOVE to have Mick Mulvaney and Mike Pompeo and Rick Perry testify. And they should, because from the evidence we've seen so far (including Mulvaney's confession!) IT LOOKS LIKE THEY WERE ALL IN ON THE CRIME.

1:56: It is important that Schiff is getting all of this on the record right now, from the outset, because one of the GOP's favorite lies right now is that all these witnesses could have been called to the House impeachment inquiry if they were so important, as if we do not remember the long ago history of two months ago, when Donald Trump literally blocked all witnesses and documents from the inquiry.

2:05: Everything Schiff is saying is completely very important, but we do want you to know that McConnell's resolution has been changed. Schiff alluded to this a few minutes ago -- noting that we didn't even see the proposed rules until last night, and then they just fuckin' changed it again! -- but now the 24 hours over two days of arguments from each side thing is ... 24 hours over three days! Also, as per the Washington Post, the evidence will be "automatically admitted" to the Senate trial unless some fuckin' asshole objects.

And who do we have to thank for this, which is a little tiny bit better? Susan Collins, actually!

2:15: SCHIFF: Did you hear what their defense is going to be? Cipollone said it! That Trump's conduct was "perfect"! That trying to force another country to help him cheat in this fall's election is PERFECT!

Also by the way, this story is going to be told lots of places, like books and movies. It's up to you Republican senators to decide whether it's told here.

2:18: Time for Jay Sekulow's response, and ooh, he is already so mad, he sounds like he is going to cry, BAWK BAWK BAWK!

He starts out by saying Adam Schiff did a TREASON PARAPHRASE! and Adam Schiff didn't let Trump have counsel present or question witnesses (in the closed door depositions -- they were of course offered that privilege in the House Judiciary Committee's hearings).

He also says the Mueller Report said NO COLLUSION, NO OBSTRUCTION, we guess because Jay Sekulow hasn't had time to read the Mueller Report, because we guess it's a 24-hour job doing cover-ups for President Crimey. He is probably very behind on his reading.

Our point is Jay Sekulow is breathing a lot, and if he's already this huffy-puffy BAWK BAWK BAWK ANGRY! he is going to flame out by dinnertime.

PACE YOURSELF, DORK.

2:23: Good lord, Sek is saying some dumb shit about Peter Strzok, this is the high quality of the lawyers willing to defend President Impeached-A-Lot.

Meanwhile, this is a good point from Maddow:

Nancy Pelosi doesn't write checks her ass can't cash. Mitch McConnell does.

2:27: LOL we just realized we typed "Cipollone" a bunch of times because we were typing fast and not looking at the screen. We just assumed it was Pat Cipollone screaming and instead it was Jay Weirdass Sekulow!

Now the temper tantrum makes more sense and we have fixed all our Cipollones and replaced them with Sekulows. We promise to look at the screen more gooder next time.

Anyway, JAY SEKULOW is still whining.

2:29: And now PAT CIPOLLONE is whining and we know that for sure because we looked at the TV and it was his dumb face.

2:30: Oh surprise, Pat Cipollone is lying and whining. He just said Adam Schiff did a TREASON PARAPHRASE and "never told" people it was a "fake."

LET'S GO TO THE TRANSCRIPT, PAT, because this is what Schiff said just before the paraphrase heard around the world that launched a thousand pantshits:

"It reads like a classic organized crime shakedown. Shorn of its rambling character and in not so many words, this is the essence of what the President communicates."

And then he did the TREASON PARAPHRASE.

Look, there is video of it, on the internet!

www.youtube.com

2:39: CIPOLLONE: Duuuuuurrrrrrrrrrr, Adam Schiff wants documents, ADAM SCHIFF WOULDN'T GIVE DONALD TRUMP DOCUMENTS ON HIS SEXYTIMES WITH THE WHISTLEBLOWER, DURRRRRRRRRRR!

2:40: CIP: dURRRRRRrrrrrRRRR, Democrats want to steal two elections by doing impeachment, which is in Constitution, just because Donald Trump committed a lot of crimes! How dare you take away Donald Trump's ability to lose the popular vote again while foreign countries help him cheat to win in the Electoral College? DURURURURURUURURUURRRrrrrrrrrrR!

2:42: Those arguments are over, Schumer offers an amendment to ask for some things.

Firstly, subpoena Mick Mulvaney NOW, and also all the documents. On everything. The entire Ukraine crime scheme, their attempts to get investigations on the Bidens, their attempts to get investigations into bullshit Russian propaganda conspiracy theories about Ukrainian interference in the 2016 election, the military aid hold, records on the trip to Volodymyr Zelenskyy's inauguration and Trump's cancellation of Mike Pence's trip to it, which Lev Parnas alleges was done directly because Trump was mad because they wouldn't announce investigations.

2:49: Somebody's finally done with his nine hours of morning poops, ALLEGEDLY:

Your wish is our command, President Impeached-A-Lot.

2:58: There is a recess right now, so that is happening. Cipollone's argument seems to be some kind of weirdass "First they impeached the president for high crimes and misdemeanors but you said nothing because you were not the president. Then they impeached YOU!"

3:18: And now we go again! Zoe Lofgren will be arguing in favor of Chuck Schumer's amendment. But first Adam Schiff would like to note that Trump's counsel didn't even offer any arguments about the proposed rules they support, all they did was just bitch and moan a lot. They have no defense.

3:20: SCHIFF: Why haven't these idiots actually invoked executive privilege? Because they'd have to say "These are the documents where Trump is guilty, therefore PRIVILEGES!" They don't want to do that.

And why are they now arguing that Dems were so scaaaaaaaared to put impeachment in the courts? Because when they were in the courts, their argument was that the courts have no jurisdiction over impeachment or even any of the other branches.

In short, the president's lawyers are liars.

3:23: SCHIFF: Hey, we don't have to worry about all this subpoena stuff, because John Bolton wants to come and testify! Don't you want to know why he called Trump's crimes a "drug deal"?

Also, lemme just throw some hilarious shade at Alan Dershowitz right now, because he thinks "abuse of power" is not impeachable. Know what Alan Dershowitz is? Not a constitutional lawyer! Know who got panties on? Not him!

3:26: Adam Schiff is not going to say Pat Cipollone just lied to the Senate's face. He will let Cipollone confess to that if he'd like.

3:32: Zoe Lofgren is giving an elegant presentation on the need for documents and witnesses, right now, but the essence of her argument is if you don't want documents and witnesses, you are clearly terrified of what they will show and say about Donald Trump's mindblowing guilt.

3:36: Lofgren notes that in Andrew Johnson's impeachment trial, there was new evidence presented the first day of the Senate trial, they got documents first and there were 40 witnesses called.

3:40: Lofgren has a slide featuring an actual quote from the president of the United States about what he thinks "Constitution" says:

"I have an Article II, where I have the right to do whatever I want."

He really thinks that's what it says.

3:46: Here are some of the documents that show Trump's guilt (OR DO THEY? maybe we should find out!) that the White House is withholding. It is a lot of kinds of documents!

3:56: As Lofgren continues to make her full case for what the documents we need might show, she is name-dropping Joe diGenova and Victoria Toensing, AKA the Fox News law firm of Hairball & Hairball that's ALL UP in Trump's Ukraine scheme.

Since these Republican senators probably watch them on TV at night, we are enjoying this.

3:58: Weird how the GOP conspiracy theory about the DNC rigging the primary against all the senators (but mostly Bernie and Warren) isn't really taking hold:

All three of them have been saying stuff like that. All of them.

3:59: Adam Schiff SAID A CUSS earlier and the Washington Post NOTICED IT:

He also used a vulgarity to describe the McConnell resolution.

"We don't want to talk about how -- pardon the expression -- ass-backwards it is to have a trial and then ask for witnesses, and so we'll attack the House managers, because maybe we can distract you for a moment from what's before you," he said, delivering a paraphrase of his view of the GOP argument.

TREASON PARAPHRASE CUSSER.

4:07: LOFGREN: Schumer's amendment is supported by 200 years of doing real trials, which is what we are asking for, instead of a cover-up, which is supported by literally no one and nothing.

4:09: LOFGREN: In summary and in conclusion, if you don't support these subpoenas, you are a chickenshit and everybody is laughing at you right now, do you like it when everybody LAUGHS YOU?

Cipollone will take over, just kidding some fucking third-string Trump idiot lawyer will take over. He will not actually argue for why Schumer's amendment is bad, he'll just lie and stonewall.

4:11: Third-string idiot boy lies and says the Dems want more evidence and witnesses because they haven't made their case. Yes, they have. They made it without all the fullness of the documents and witnesses the White House withheld. And now they want the fullness.

Fuck you, third string idiot, your mom should be embarrassed right now.

4:15: Third-string idiot boy lies and says the House impeachment inquiry was invalid and the subpoenas were invalid and here's why, and Congress is not Trump's real dad, and anyway, he is lying a lot, what a fuckin' third-string idiot boy.

4:18: Note that this third-string idiot boy Trump lawyer hasn't yet given even one (1) reason why the Senate investigators shouldn't have all the documents and witnesses.

4:22: This third-string idiot boy Trump lawyer (his name is "Philbin," but don't worry he is not Regis) is VERY BAD at TV. Not from central casting!

4:27: SCHIFF: You think we're not ready? You think we're not READY? The House calls John Bolton! The House calls Mick Mulvaney! Eat my balls with mayonnaise and pickle relish, the House is FUCKIN' READY!

4:33: Time for an IMPEACHMENT TRIVIA FACT!

"Cipollone" in eye-talian, means "large onion."

You may begin calling the president's lawyer a very large onion now.

They are now voting on the motion to table the Schumer amendment. Surprise, the Republicans so far are being chickenshits who hate America and fair trials.

4:36: To be clear, this is not the BIG vote on witnesses. Republicans swear they will vote on whether they want to hear witnesses and get documents for real after they have heard all the arguments. They swear. You bet.

4:40: The amendment tabled on party lines 53-47. (No witnesses/documents for now.)

Schumer puts up an amendment to subpoena documents from the State Department. Got a feelings we'll be having a bunch of minutes of amendments like this.

4:49: They are on recess again, there will be another vote to table this motion, and we're hearing this is going to happen three or four times. Looks like what happened was Susan Collins got what she wanted in the Senate GOP lunch today (NO MIDNIGHT SESSHUNS!) and now she will vote for the cover-up.

4:51: In other words, they will decide at the end of the trial if they want witnesses or documents. At the end of the trial. They will decide then. For "trial."

4:55: You know, we think this might look bad for the Republicans, to people watching at home.

5:17: Oh. Mygod. They are going to do an hour of debate on each and every one of these resolutions. Val Demings is now up for the Democrats, to argue about the resolution for State Department documents. This is going to be worth watching, and we will keep updating you when there is a thing to say! Or if we have a really foul dick joke to share. You know, whatever.

5:19: Something really smart and brilliant that the Democrats are doing here is that they're making TV and making a record here on the first day, explaining exactly what crimes Trump committed. They know they're not trying to convince reluctant GOP senators. They are speaking to Americans.

5:26: Don't worry, Val Demings is still explaining each and every document they want from the State Department, and she's making her statement fit around those requests.

5:34: As Demings continues to explain all the specific documents the State Department is withholding from Congress at the direction of Trump, we pause to note that the Washington Post has gotten bored.

This is true! Claire McCaskill said they can have water, and that somebody keeps a list of who likes regular water and who likes bubbly spritzy Pellegrino water, and also they can have a nice glass of milk.

We bet Ted Cruz is having a nice glass of milk right now.

5:39: Shorter Val Demings: "GIVE US ALL THE FUCKING WHATSAPPS BETWEEN ALL THESE ASSHOLES. IF YOU DON'T GIVE US THEM, YOU ARE HIDING CRIMES."

Shorter Senate Republicans: "We would like to hide crimes."

5:48: Oh and now Demings is just casually talking about Lev Parnas's receipts about the power-abusing removal of Ambassador Marie Yovanovitch, and playing clips from his time with Rachel Maddow. She notes that it would not be difficult for the State Department to hand over everything they want, since they are asking for specific things that they should have already put aside when they were asked the first time, fuck.

6:00: One thing to keep in mind, as Demings concludes her arguments, is that there are so many FOIA lawsuits out there that may totally come through while this impeachment trial is going on. As in, even if the Senate doesn't subpoena shit, it might come out during the trial anyway! That's already been happening!

In case you wanted to know how stupid the Senate GOP's position really is right now.

6:04: Now it is Pat Bloomin' Onion's (Cipollone, REMEMBER?) turn to say NUH UH, CONGRESS IS NOT MY REAL DAD! I ain't got no argumentations to make, though! I am the worst lawyer in the whole zip code I am standing in, and if I go to a different zip code, I will be the worst lawyer there too!

6:06: Just kidding, that thing we said about zip codes just then was a lie because Jay Sekulow is worse at law than Pat Awesome Blossom.

He is going to TANTRUM about GORDON SONDLAND LIED ande said NO QUID PRO QUO because he wants you to FORGET that GORDON SONDLAND realized he didn't want to LIE TO CONGRESS ANYMORE so he AMENDED HIS TESTIMONY and said yeah actually there was a quid pro quo and "everyone was in the loop."

Look at Pissy McGee:

That thing belongs on Fox News, is outgunned here entirely.

6:12: The best people.

Adam Schiff has taken over to say Jay Sekulow is a fucking idiot because Sekulow just RAILED about "lawyer lawsuits" and nobody knew what he was talking about and he sounded like a M-O-R-O-N. What actually happened, we think, is that Val Demings referred to "FOIA lawsuits" and Jay Sekulow is too stupid to know what that that is so he yapped his yap about "lawyer lawsuits" and how they are OFFENSIVE!

Something something "violins on television."

6:25: Schiff pointing out that the people in there really are going to want to subpoena President Warren or President Klobuchar sometime, and they are NOT GONNA LIKE IT if that presidents tells them to eat a fuck and cites Donald Trump as precedent.

Anyway, they are voting on the amendment now, and then this is gonna happen AGAIN.

We are going to go to the gym and get beat up by our personal trainer, but don't worry, Rebecca will hop in here and update from time to time, and we will come back after we are beated up to see what is happening and tell you it!

STOP! BECCA TIME!

www.youtube.com

6:40 PM: House Dem Jason Crow was an AMERICAN SOLDIER, Republican senators! If you do not vote "nay" on tabling whichever motion this is (I am still catching up), that is the same as KNEELING ON THE FACE OF YR MOM ON THE FLAG.

Tell us about OMB's key documents, Jason Crow! Do they provide insight into critical aspects of the Ukraine military aid hold? Yeah, I figured. That would be nice if we could see them in the MIDDLE of trial instead of END of trial, which is the part of Evan's previous liveblog I have read up to now.

LOL, I remember when I was like "obvs Mick Mulvaney, director of the OMB, ordered the hold on the Ukraine $, he is also Trump's (acting) chief of staff and a known pigfuck." And then like MONTHS LATER, the news was like "SCOOP NEWS! OMB PUT A HOLD ON THE UKRAINE AID." And I'm a *distant third* among Wonkette writers about "what the fuck is up with Ukraine"; Liz has to re-explain me things ALL THE TIME. You guys, how hard do you have to work to be as unknowledgeable about this as Republican senators?

TRANSCRIPT EXCERPT! ONLY EVER UKRAINE WAS THE PRESIDENT CONCERNED ABOUT "CORRUPTION." Well, Ukraine and Puerto Rico, but that's just his usual #racist.

Here comes Voice Of Bill Taylor to read us things, with his Voice. He is reading us things about "OMB." And he is doing it *dramatically*.

Can Jason Crow have some OMB documents please?

How many meetings did OMB have about "guys, this is shit illegal"? Three, at least! Not a single document from OMB!

7:00 PM: Remember when some guy, Duffey, from OMB told other people to keep the fact that they were holding the Ukraine money hostage "closely held"? Jason Crow remembers! Can Jason Crow see some emails?

BUT WAIT THERE'S MORE!

OMB gave directions to the Defense Department *in a footnote* about holding off on spending the money that was already in the pipeline. Do you give your people instructions in a footnote? ME TOO. Can Jason Crow have the memos and email traffic and documentation about that footnote? Please?

LOL they took this Mark Sandy guy out of the process of doing the money, after he "expressed concerns about the legality of the hold," and gave it to Duffey, who is not a guy who had any experience in "how do you send $ to Ukraine." I mean, that we know of. Maybe he knows lots about sending or not sending money secretly to foreign nations! I'm just spitballing, since he's a Trump political appointee, so has anybody checked whether he has accounts at Wilbur Ross's bank in Cyprus?

Jason Crow was in Army. He remembers not having the equipment he needed like a common Ukraine. Go ahead, Republicans. Spit on a The Troops. JASON CROW PEACES OUT.

7:05 PM: Jay Sekulow is here to remind you Trump gave lethal Javelins to Ukraine because he's not a BIG PUSSY LIKE OBAMA. Which has nothing to do with anything but TAN SUIT!

Some more about Javelins! "This all supposedly started because of a whistleblower. Where is that whistleblower?"

Go fuck yourself Jay Sekulow.

7:10 PM: Jason Crow says, "Congress sends the aid." Whoa if true! Meanwhile, Congress actually passed a second law, because Trump stuck the money up the OMB's butt, to extend the fiscal year deadline.

Here come Adam Schiff!

"Yes, they got the money after the president got caught. After he got caught, yes! But even then, it had been held so long it took a subsequent act of Congress to make sure the money got out the door. Should the president get credit for that?" ALSO ILLEGAL CRIMES! And what about this fact that Obama withheld aid to Egypt, which Jay Sekulow just jawed about and I didn't bother writing down? "Yeah, because CONGRESS ASKED HIM TO. THERE WAS A REVOLUTION AT THE TIME." Good note, Schiff!

Hey Adam Schiff, was Ukraine NOT CORRUPT in previous years but GOT CORRUPT last year? "No!" The difference in 2019 wasn't that Ukraine was all of a sudden corrupt. The difference was the presence of JOE BIDEN.

https://wonkettebazaar.com/collections/joe-biden-2020

Now Schiff spins a tale of million-dollar Trump donor Gordon Sondland, picking up his cell phone and calling the president of the United States, from "Keev." He doesn't ask about [treason paraphrase] or [other treason paraphrase.] He just asks "is he going to do the investigation." Yes sir, yes sir, I am tearing up right now sir, yes.

Adam Schiff wonders, would the documents back up Ambassador Sondland, who says the president only cares about "the big stuff," like INVESTIGATE JOE BIDEN! Or maybe they would not back up Ambassador Sondland! (Yes they would.)

7:25 PM: MISH COL MOHS D DAYL VUH MEMEN. (That is my imitation of Mitch McConnell's gross mushmouth, did you like it?)

SURPRISE, Republicans do not want to see OMB documents, are you for shocked???

7:30 PM: Chuck Schumer has another amendment you guys! He would like to subpoena Mick Mulvaney! THIS IS SO FUN!

7:32 PM: RECESS RECESS SHY IS MAKING SHEPHERD'S PIE :D

7:53 PM: Shepherd's pie not ready yet :(

Oh, here is Kamala. I bet HER husband made sure she got shepherd's pie.

Oh here is another tweet that seems correct:

THEY LIKE BEER!!!1!

8:18: OH HI IT IS EVAN AFTER DARK!

Or, you know, whatever.

It is Hakeem Jeffries's turn and he says his district has the most black folks and the most Jewish folks and people are like "WHAT?" and he says "no it's fine, because we are all Americans who believe in rule of law and Donald Trump is a criminal."

It is Jeffries's job to demand that Mick Mulvaney (AKA "the confessor") should testify, because who ever heard of a criminal trial without Mick Mulvaney?

8:23: JEFFRIES: Who knows what Mick Mulvaney might say? He might not even incriminate Donald Trump!

(We thiiiiink he is saying Mickles the Clown might lie under oath?)

8:26: Look! All impeachments have witnesses!

8:30: GOOD LINE FROM HAKEEM JEFFRIES: "President Trump should not serve as the judge, jury and executioner of our democracy."

Put that on a bumper sticker or the ass of an underpants!

8:34: JEFFRIES: Mick Mulvaney was "in the loop" for the planning of the crime, he was "in the loop" for the execution of the crime, and he was "in the loop" when dickholes got caught and tried to cover it up, and oh yeah, he was "in the loop" when he confessed.

Put that on a bumper sticker or the ass of an underpants!

8:39: JEFFRIES: Hey let me tell you all about Gordon Sondland, and how Fiona Hill realized she and Sondland were doing two different things -- she was doing foreign policy, he was doing a "domestic political errand" involving the Bidens and Trump trying to steal the 2020 election. Guess who knows ALL ABOUT THIS "DRUG DEAL"? Yep, Mick Mulvaney!

8:46: Uh oh, told you it was impeachment after dark!

"This wasn't just everyone else fingering Mick Mulvaney," says Hakeem Jeffries. He was fingering himself!

(Hakeem Jeffries means he confessed all kinda ways.)

9:00: OK it is time for another third-string idiot Trump lawyer to defend Mick Mulvaney and argue a real defense for why Trump didn't do anything wrong HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA we are fooling.

He says Trump released the perfect call, no quid pro quo, Zelenskyy says NO PRESSURE! not even a QUID PRESSURE QUO! and Ukrainians didn't know about the aid hold until more than a month later (lie) and the Ukrainians got the aid (when Trump got caught) and Zelenskyy met with Trump (not in the White House!) in summary and in conclusion, Trump has no defense. Not even one.

9:07: Dumbass Cipollone says Republicans do not want phony investigations, YOU want phony investigations!

9:08: Do not know why Pat Cipollone thinks his argument that Democrats "are trying to get Trump's name removed from the ballot" is a good one. Perhaps he skipped many years of law school and civics and 4th grade social studies and did not hear the part about how if Trump is removed from office, the Democratic nominee will be running against Mike Pence, because that is how #Constitution, which in fact exists, works.

9:12: JEFFRIES: No, you goddamned moron, we're here because Donald Trump tried to get another country to try to help him steal (another) election and did it to the detriment of our national security and tried to cover it up.

"And if you didn't know, now you know."

You goddamned moron.

9:14: Adam Schiff would like to factcheck the goddamned morons.

Number one, they say security assistance wasn't mentioned on the call. EXCEPT FOR HOW "I would like you to do us a favor though" came just after Zelenskyy brought up Javelin missiles, which are part of our aid, you GODDAMNED MORONS.

9:16: 'NOTHER FACTCHECK: Laura Cooper testified that Defense was getting questions about the aid the day of the call, and the foreign ministry in Ukraine was talking about it a week later.

You GODDAMNED MORONS.

9:19: Schiff is talking about how disgusting the Republican Trump lie about Zelenskyy feeling "no pressure" is. We wrote about it here.

Also notes that Zelenskyy hasn't made it into the White House yet, but Russia sure as fuck has, multiple times.

9:21: Schiff talking directly to America now, says Trump people aren't going to have an "epiphany" and that a "vote to delay is a vote to deny" witnesses.

Now it is time for another vote to table the amendment, on Mulvaney testifying.

9:28: Mitch McConnell would like to do an amendment on can everybody go to bed now? Schumer says eat three dicks and go swimming in a lake of shit.

9:30: OK what McConnell really said is can they put all the rest of the Democratic amendments in a bucket and vote on them together. Schumer, in a technical sense, said eat three dicks and go swimming in a lake of shit.

9:32: Not only is Mitch McConnell SWEEPY TURTLE GO GRRR ARGH, he is also not happy the House impeachment managers have spent an entire "rules" day kicking ass and telling the story to the American people AND SHOW ZERO SIGNS OF STOPPING.

9:36: Here is the choice Schumer just gave McConnell: Either we keep going tonight, or we can keep doing this tomorrow afternoon, which means the trial doesn't start tomorrow, we just keep telling the story to America.

Which do you like, Mitch? Shit sandwich, or shit sandwich with whipped cream?

9:44: And they're gonna keep going! Amendment to demand docs from the Department of Defense!

We are going to cook some dinner, but keep the TV on while we do that, so feel free to hang, and if something big happens, we'll pop in, PERHAPS.

Also, we are going to be doing this for weeks, so if you love Wonkette, please hit the donation buttons below.

10:23: Popping back from cooking dinner, after an incredible presentation from Jason Crow, to note that Adam Schiff just literally said to the Republicans, "Yeah, we're making this hard for you. It's not my job to make this easy for you."

Inject it into our veiiiiiiiiiiins.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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