Mitch McConnell Says GOP Gonna Be REAL DICKS If Dems Kill Filibuster, FOR FIRST TIME EVER

Wonkette can officially report to you that Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell is terrified of Democrats doing away with the filibuster, or at least severely weakening it, a la some sort of special Manchin/Sinema exception that says when you're protecting democracy or civil rights, or creating states, those votes only require a simple majority.

Axios notes that Democratic Senator Dick Durbin has recently moved bigly on this issue, going from opposing killing the filibuster to this week saying it's "making a mockery of democracy" and holding the Senate "hostage." Durbin is very SENIORITY, so maybe that's part of why McConnell so scurred.

McConnell got up on the Senate floor today and threatened all kinds of meanness Republicans are prepared to dole out for the very first time ever, should Democrats choose to do this. "Nobody serving in this chamber can even begin, can even begin to imagine what a completely scorched-earth Senate would look like," said McConnell, standing on the ruins of the most useless, hollowed-out husk of democracy in US American history.

What does McConnell say Republicans are going to do when they regain power, if Dems kill the filibuster? Oh it's baaaaaad.

MCCONNELL: How about this? Nationwide right-to-work for working Americans! Defunding Planned Parenthood and sanctuary cities on day one! A whole new era of domestic energy production! Sweeping new protections for conscience and the right to life of the unborn! Concealed-carry reciprocity in all 50 states and the District of Columbia! Massive hardening of security on our southern border!

You guys, we think he is saying that if the Democrats do this thing, he is threatening that the GOP is going to work really hard to destroy abortion access and unions and go full-bore Nazi on immigrants. For the first time ever.

"My colleagues and I have refused to kill the Senate for instant gratification," McConnell said, before going back to his office to cream his turtle shell (allegedly!) some more over how many Supreme Court seats he stole for Donald Trump, and how many 23-year-old "pro-life" dipshits named Hunter he shoved onto lower courts for life, in service of stacking the judiciary for generations against an American citizenry that long ago rejected the policy ideas racist bigotry the GOP is selling.

(And you know how he did that? By creating a carve-out in the filibuster!)

McConnell also said, "This is a 50-50 Senate. There was no mandate to completely transform America by the American people." We guess he forgot about how the 50 Democratic senators in the majority represent 41.5 million more people than the 50 Republican senators in the minority, and that in the last Senate — you know, where the GOP was in control — Democratic senators still represented 15 million more Americans than Republican senators did.

But please, Moscow Mitch, tell us what "the American people" want.

Another thing McConnell said in his speech, which he reiterated on Twitter:

Wait, what is he threatening here? That House Speaker Nancy Pelosi is going to pass so many badass democracy-affirming bills that help people that there's going to be a 100-car pile-up on Majority Leader Chuck Schumer's face, because he can't get them to the Senate floor fast enough? ARE HOUSE BILLS GOING TO DO 100-CAR PILE-UP BUKKAKE ON CHUCK SCHUMER'S FACE?

(Bet you didn't think you'd see the words "bukkake" and "Chuck Schumer" in the same sentence today. Donate button located conveniently below this post.)

Also, if this is going to cause a 100-car pile-up in the Senate, then what exactly was the Senate under McConnell's leadership, as the House passed wonderful bills, all of which McConnell left in a 100-car pile-up on his desk, because he was too busy stacking the courts with Hunters?

Fuck. Off.

Here's The Funny Part!

You know what's funny? We'll tell you what's funny, because you know what's funny? Well, we're about to tell you what's funny.

All this freakout seems to be very closely related to the Democratic congressional majority's desire to pass HR 1. You remember which one is HR 1? We'll tell you which one HR 1 is, because you remember which one HR 1 is? Well, we're about to tell you which one it is.

HR 1 — S 1 in the Senate, AKA the "For The People" Act — is the faaaaaaaabulous bill passed by the House to enshrine into law all the protections Americans need to make sure everybody who's eligible gets to vote. It would do many, many things. Here's just some of what it does on voting rights:

  • It would create national automatic voter registration.
  • It would require 15 straight days of early voting in every state. (Yes, 15 straight days, which would throw a dildo in the Georgia GOP's gears when it comes to trying to eliminate "Souls to the Polls" events at Black churches, by eliminating early voting on Sundays.)
  • It would essentially end partisan gerrymandering.
  • It would restore voting rights to convicted felons who have paid back their debts to society.
  • It would end voter roll purges.

And so on! And then there are campaign finance parts of the bill and ethics parts. All KINDSA shit!

It's kind of a dream bill for all Americans who believe in free and fair elections. Likewise, it is an absolute nightmare for the GOP, which has been showing us for decades really, but REALLY LOUDLY SHOW-AND-TELLING US LATELY, that it does not believe in democracy when people who are not conservative white men don't win.

This is why GOP Senator Mike Lee recently said HR 1 was "as if written in hell by the devil himself."

This is the bill the GOP is terrified the Democrats will find a way to get through the Senate, and oh boy they are terrified. How terrified are they? Well we just told you how terrified they are, but we can tell you again, want us to tell you again?

In short, the bill would really fuck up all those GOP state legislatures trying to stop all Black people from voting, after the ass-kicking American voters delivered unto the GOP's fascist lord and savior this last November. And it would really fuck up national Republicans' hopes of gaining or retaining majorities they didn't earn, much less presidencies they didn't earn, ever fucking again.

That's what they're afraid of. That if the "For the People" act passes, Republicans might have to imagine a future where they have to win elections by, you know, winning elections. That Democrats are going to use their power to make it easy for all eligible Americans to vote, which doesn't go well for Republicans these days.

In summary and in conclusion, what's that thing Mitch McConnell said in 2017? Oh yeah, it was "Winners make policy. Losers go home."

Go the fuck home, Mitch.


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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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