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Mitch McConnell Says Y'all Can't See FBI's Kavanaugh Report, So That Shit Gon' Leak

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Mitch McConnell is SO FUCKIN' MAD right now. He's mad because Democrats are being unfair and delaying confirmation of a likely sexual predator, apparently because Democrats fail to understand that white pig trash assclowns like Mitch McConnell DESERVE to make the decisions on who goes on on the Supreme Court and who doesn't, and some sexual predators are just A-OK in Republicans' book. See: Big stinky grundle dumpster currently in the White House.

Merrick Garland, all around nice guy who doesn't hate women so much he wants to shit on Roe v. Wade and moreover nobody has ever accused him of sexual assault? BAD.

Brett Kavanaugh, who is the polar opposite of Merrick Garland, right down to how Merrick Garland has a normal-sized mouth and God seems to have accidentally given Brett Kavanaugh a front butthole on his face? GOOD.

McConnell has spent a lot of days screaming on the Senate floor, willfully lying about the accusations coming out about Kavanaugh -- he literally stood there yesterday and said Democrats were mad because Brett Kavanaugh drinks beer, as opposed to the real reason we're offended, which is the CONSTANT BLATANT PERJURY from Judge Rape Van, some of which happens to be about his drinking. This morning, McConnell reduced the story about Kavanaugh's big dumb drunk UB40 bar fight to "throwing ice." Who gets mad at dudes who throw ice?!?!? Not patriotic Americans, that's for sure!


This afternoon, McConnell revealed that when the FBI is done with its supplemental investigation, only senators get to see the report, but not the public. Why? McConnell's stated reason is that this is just standard protocol for these things, but the real reason, if we were going to guess what's going on inside McConnell's little repulsive shitbrain, is that he's terrified the report will show more corroborating evidence that Kavanaugh is a serial sexual predator, and that he lied to Congress a whole bunch about a whole lotta stuff.

So that shit's gonna leak, approximately five minutes after it hits senators' offices. Who gonna leak it? Oh just some Democratic senator with literally no fucks left to give, so there's about 45 possibilities. And what's so wrong with that? Former FBI director James Comey felt it was need-to-know information when the FBI discovered just before the 2016 election that Hillary Clinton may have failed to declare one of her AOL free trial diskettes.

And honestly, we're always hearing from puberockets in the House of Representatives like Devin Nunes and Mark Meadows and YETI puberockets in the White House like Donald Trump that transparency is VERY IMPORTANT, especially when they're trying to selectively declassify and release stuff in their efforts to obstruct justice in the Russia investigation.

We think this more than qualifies as need-to-know information for the American public.

Hell, Cory Booker or whoever should take a page from their playbook and redact all the words in the report except "I put the pills in the women" and be done with it.

Nah, just kidding, they'll leak the whole report. McConnell says they'll get it maybe tomorrow (for real, even though the deadline is Friday, but WE'LL SEE), but God only knows what absolutely filthy godforsaken things we'll learn about Lord Boofington Kavanaugh by then.

Oh well, guess we'll just have to see.

Meanwhile, have an open thread. Is it Friday yet?

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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