Mitt Romney Decides He's Cool With Losing White House Just The Two Times, Thanks
Mitt Romney has decided to deprive U.S. Amercians of the pleasure of kicking his ass a third time, the selfish bastard. Typical. On a conference call with Ann and his "supporters" (most of whose names end in "Romney," we are pretty sure), Mitt explained why after all that teasing and making us laugh so hard, he is not going to run against Hillary Clinton -- from the left! -- in 2016:
After putting considerable thought into making another run for president, I’ve decided it is best to give other leaders in the party the opportunity to become our next nominee.
Then he blah blah blahed on and on about how he would totally win if he decided to run again, and he's unskewed some early polls that do not matter, and he's already had some of his rich friends offer him money, and this time, he could full-on become president if he really wanted to and blah blah blah some more, boring boring, no he couldn't, he will never be president, but damnit, MITT, we were really looking forward to watching you try again and fail again, but no, you can't even give us that, you have to dash all our hopes completely. And after all those subtle hints and suggestions that maybe, just maybe, you'd give us just one more chance to say "HELL NO."
Oh, except you are Mitt Romney, so of course there's this little flip-flop maybe wink wink after all, just in case:
I’ve been asked, and will certainly be asked again if there are any circumstances whatsoever that might develop that could change my mind. That seems unlikely. Accordingly, I’m not organizing a PAC or taking donations; I’m not hiring a campaign team.
Unlikely, but not unpossible, so we will all just sit here and hold our breaths until Mitt changes his mind again. Should be any minute now.