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Mitt Romney Explains 'Fictional Football Team Show' Friday Night Lights To Hu-Mans

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Well, we thought this story from Politico was another of their hilarious Roger Simonesque fan-fics (like the time, unlinkable for now, when he had literally everyone but your Wonket believing Paul Ryan calls Miffed Romney "Stench"). But no! As far as we can tell it is not a joke! Behold, Mitt Romney explaining a fictional football team show!

“We’re a people also with clear eyes.  We understand the significance of the events around us.  The fact that you’re here today – I mean there are a lot of other things that you could be doing – but you’re interested.  You want to see what’s happening and understand who I am and what I might do if I’m president,” he said.

“And I recall a line in a fictional football team show,” he added. “It was called ‘Friday Night Lights,’ you probably didn’t see it.  But – you did, alright. She saw it! They had this fictional football team and every time they’d leave the locker room, and they typically were facing long odds, there was a sign up there, it said ‘Clear eyes, full hearts, can’t lose.’ And I’m convinced the people of Iowa have very clear eyes about what’s at stake in this election.  And I know you have full hearts.  And I’m convinced America can’t lose when you help me become the next president of the United States. Thank you guys – you are the best.”

Oh, did we probably not see it, Miffed Romney? NO, YOU PROBABLY DID NOT SEE IT. Or you would not be trying to lay claim to Tami Taylor helping all her students bortion their babies! And teens doing sex on each other's nubile bodies! And ... oh lawd almighty Taylor Kitsch. 

Oh, also you probably did not see it or you would not think they "typically were facing long odds." THEY WON STATE LIKE ALL THE TIME ALMOST. IDIOT!

Anyway, your horrendous robot speech recalls for us the time John Kerry tried to explain a joke. Let us revisit the horror with each other to hold onto.

(Sit through the ad, then forward to about 3:35.)

Same factory, probably.

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Roger Stone, you got some 'splainin' to do, Mister! Remember all those times Stone swore on his Nixon tattoo that he never had any contact with Russians, wasn't a campaign surrogate, and wasn't tipped off to stolen DNC emails in advance? Like that time he told the Washington Post:

"I've never been to Russia. I didn't talk to anybody who was identifiably Russian during the two-year run-up to this campaign," he said. "I very definitely can't think of anybody who might have been a Russian without my knowledge. It's a canard."

Stone told the House Intelligence Committee the same thing last September, but, LOL FUNNY STORY! Seems that Stone just plum forgot about that time in May, 2016 when Trump communications advisor Michael Caputo asked him to meet with Henry Greenberg, "a man with a Make America Great Again hat and a viscous Russian accent." The Washington Post reports, Greenberg was offering sexxxxy Russian dirts on Hillary Clinton, which Stone and Caputo were only too happy to grab by the pussy. But they just couldn't get there!

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Congressman Beto O'Rourke, who hopes to replace Ted Cruz in the US Senate this fall, is one of several Texas and El Paso leaders participating in a march to the just-opened tent city at the US/Mexico border in Tornillo, Texas, where children have already been imprisoned "placed."

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