Mitt Romney Wants To Teach Ted Cruz, Josh Hawley How They Take Out The Trash In Utah

Right Wing Extremism
Mitt Romney Wants To Teach Ted Cruz, Josh Hawley How They Take Out The Trash In Utah

Mitt Romney is pissed, y'all.

The Utah senator was the epitome of Mormon chill when some Trump-supporting thugs harassed him at the airport Wednesday. But then, a violent insurrection in the Capitol and Ted Cruz's stupid face finally pushed him to the edge.

When Donald Trump's goofball gestapo broke into both chambers of Congress, Romney reportedly yelled at Cruz and the members of his sedition caucus, "This is what you've gotten, guys!" There might've even been an f-bomb thrown in there like “fiddlesticks." Seriously, Romney's right: Cruz and the equally vile if less mirror-shattering Josh Hawley fanned the flames of Trump's madness, hoping it would launch them to the White House in 2024.

Romney later released a scathing statement that didn't just read Trump for filth but his fellow Republicans who've enabled the deranged despot.

We gather today due to a selfish man's injured pride and the outrage of his supporters whom he has deliberately misinformed for the past two months and stirred to action this very morning. What happened here today was an insurrection, incited by the President of the United States. Those who choose to continue to support his dangerous gambit by objecting to the results of a legitimate, democratic election will forever be seen as being complicit in an unprecedented attack against our democracy. They will be remembered for their role in this shameful episode in American history. That will be their legacy.

Romney dropped some more hammers on the prominent moron wing of his party.

The objectors have claimed they are doing so on behalf of the voters. Have an audit, they say, to satisfy the many people who believe that the election was stolen. Please! No Congressional led audit will ever convince those voters, particularly when the President will continue to claim that the election was stolen. The best way we can show respect for the voters who are upset is by telling them the truth. That is the burden, and the duty, of leadership. The truth is that President-elect Biden won this election. President Trump lost. Scores of courts, the President's own Attorney General, and state election officials both Republican and Democrat have reached this unequivocal decision.

We must not be intimidated or prevented from fulfilling our constitutional duty. We must continue with the count of electoral college votes. In light of today's sad circumstances, I ask my colleagues: Do we weigh our own political fortunes more heavily than we weigh the strength of our Republic, the strength of our democracy, and the cause of freedom? What is the weight of personal acclaim compared to the weight of conscience?

The senator demanded Congress put a halt to all this nonsense and complete the goddamn electoral count without any more of Cruz's Green Eggs and Ham showboating. The Missouri senator kept it up, even when Congress resumed session, because he's an insult to respectable weasels everywhere, but other Republicans are jumping off the non-stop Trump train to treason.

House GOP Chair Liz Cheney has stood up to Trump before and earned the wrath of her colleagues Matt Gaetz and presidential medal of freedom recipient Jim Jordan. She didn't hold back any punches during a Fox News interview where she accused the president of raising a lynch mob.

She doesn't really stutter here: She said Trump formed, incited, and encouraged a violent mob that attempted to prevent Congress members from carrying out their constitutional duty. That's the definition of “sedition," which is both a serious felony and highly antisocial.

Senator Richard Burr of North Carolina agreed, as well, that Trump “bears responsibility for today's events by promoting the unfounded conspiracy theories that have led to this point." Georgia Lieutenant Governor Geoff Duncan, also a Republican, tweeted Wednesday that Trump "must stand up and and put out this fire he has created." Pennsylvania Senator Pat Toomey, who voted for Trump a couple months ago, called him a “demagogue."

And Arkansas Senator Tom Cotton didn't appreciate being on the business end of an amateur insurrection act.

South Carolina Senator Lindsey Graham performed a stirring rendition of “Stop This Coup. I Want To Get Off."

Yeah, sorry, I don't have any cookies for the guy who's pretended for weeks now that Trump had legitimate legal options for overturning the election, or who called for Georgia's secretary of state before explaining raucously last night that though he'd begged and begged, nobody could find a shred wrong with the election. Enjoy the minority, Lindsey.

When it came time to vote on Arizona's electoral votes, Cruz's Dirty Dozen shriveled into a Seditious Six, including Hawley, Mississippi Senator Cindy Hyde-Smith, Louisiana Senator John Kennedy, Kansas Senator Roger Marshall, and Alabama Head Senate Coach Tommy Tuberville.

Romney stared death daggers at Missouri's shame, Hawley, throughout the evening.

You don't have to like Mitt Romney, but it's important that not every Republican has gone gangster. I'm too old and pretty for a turf war.

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Stephen Robinson

Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He writes make believe for Cafe Nordo, an immersive theatre space in Seattle. Once, he wrote a novel called “Mahogany Slade,” which you should read or at least buy. He's also on the board of the Portland Playhouse theatre. His son describes him as a “play typer guy."


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