Mommy, How Are Icky Trump Surrogates' Adultery Love Babies Made?

sexual healing, baby

Oh dear child! Do you really want to know the answer to that question? Why can't we just stick with the story I told you about how the stork was doing opioids the day Trump campaign surrogates Jason Miller and A.J. Delgado banged each other pragnet?

Fine, I will tell you.

Sometimes, when a gross married Trump surrogate man with a giant head, a bizarrely manicured neckbeard and literally no mouth to speak of casts his eyes upon a weird and loud Trump surrogate lady who kind of resembles a rejected Muppet from hell, his Down Theres will get VERY EXCITED. And even though Neckbeard McGrossFace has a wife, the lady Muppet Trump surrogate may get very excited in HER Down Theres, because of his raw, irresistible sexual magnetism. Don't worry, you'll understand when you are older.

Regardless, this just proves what Mommy always has said, about how no matter how physically unattractive you think you are, there will always somebody who will want to have an illicit affair with you during the Trump campaign.

The large-faced man and the over-grown Muppet Baby will bat their eyelashes at each other, exchange flirtatious text messages, and so forth, and one night in Las Vegas after their boss Mr. Donald Trump gets slayed by Hillary Clinton in a debate, they will go to a strip club together to celebrate, as strip clubs are the official meeting place of presidential candidates who like to grab them by the pussy. There will be booze and boobies everywhere! You see, for babies, boobies are where the food comes from, but grown-ups like boobies in a different sort of way.

Anyway! Did we mention the chunky chipmunk dude's wife is already pregnant while he is off watching strip-nasty with the Muppet lady? Well, she is. But don't worry about that, because this is a story about HOW LOVE HAPPENS.

So the beefy squirrel man and the shouting Muppet lady will leave the strip club and retire to his boudoir, where she can do French kisses to his neck hair. Afterward, they will take off ALL THEIR PANTIES, so he can put his penis in her vagina for six or seven seconds, ten at the upper end, because this is how grown-up Trump campaign surrogates show affection. Don't giggle! "Penis" and "vagina" are the real scientific names for those parts. You're far too old to be calling them weenuses and woo-woos.

Anyway, three months later out will pop a baby! Not from the Muppet lady, of course, but from the overgrown woodchuck man's wife, because remember, she was pregnant already. She was almost two-thirds of the way through her own pregnancy when Daddy drunk-fiddled that lady's frontal badonkadonk!

Neither of these people will actually ever get to work in the White House, because #ObviousReasons.

But six months after THAT, another baby will be born, and it will be called William, and it will be the #blessing that came from the sacred bumping of uglies by two paid Trump surrogates, and it will all be OK. Of course, the baby's daddy will only talk to mommy through her lawyer, and daddy will release a statement saying he and his whole family, including his wife, are very happy about the birth of the holy Trump lovechild, which is probably a lie, but that's just how things go sometimes. The second child will likely grow up feeling like a common Tiffany Trump.

If they had done it in the butt, none of this ever would have happened.

And thus endeth the lesson!

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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