Morons Won’t Let You Cover God’s 'Wonderful Breathing System' With The Devil’s Masks

Washington Gov. Jay Inslee Tuesday announced on Tuesday a statewide mandate requiring facial coverings in public to slow the spread of COVID-19, which is still a problem despite what you might hear at a Trump rally. North Carolina Gov. Roy Cooper did the same on Wednesday. He also extended the state's Phase Two reopening by three weeks.

This is all very sane and rational. The science is clear that wearing masks in public will save lives — including your own! — so you'd think complete sociopaths or even Republicans (a fuzzy distinction) would happily comply. But no! Conservatives want to make this a big culture war issue. I am so goddamn tired.

Palm Beach County, Florida, commissioners voted unanimously Tuesday to require that all residents and visitors wear masks when in public spaces such as grocery stores and restaurants. You can still walk around bare-faced at home or outside.

From the Palm Beach Post:

"I think this is going to be the most effective pivot point in ... suppressing the spread of the coronavirus," County Mayor Dave Kerner said after the vote. "We need to see how this works first before we go deeper into our economy reopening."

Palm Beach had recommended people wear masks in April but hadn't required it. The mask honor system isn't an ideal longterm solution, though, because the county recorded 3,600 coronavirus cases over the past two weeks. That's one-third of the 11,180 cases recorded since people started paying attention to the pandemic in mid-March.

Opponents of the mandate turned out to whine about how this infringed on their rights, because they apparently don't understand why businesses have required customers to wear shoes and shirts inside for, like, ever. They claimed that masks have not been proven effective (they have) and that masks themselves are dangerous, which is only true if you're too stupid to use them properly. For instance, if you wear them around your eyes while driving or douse them in cyanide and stuff them in your mouth. Yeah, what does fancy-pants Dr. Fauci have to say about that?

All facetiousness aside, these are some actual sentences that real humans said out loud (please do click the blue bird; our tweets are messing up again, and you will want to see the nice lady):

A FELLOW US CITIZEN: You literally cannot mandate someone to wear a mask knowing that that mask is killing people. It literally is killing people. We the people are WAKING UP! And we know what citizen's arrest is. Because citizen's arrests are already happening, OK? And every single one of you that are obeying the Devil's laws are going to be arrested. And you, doctor, are going to be arrested for CRIMES AGAINST HUMANITY.

She seems nice.

Another woman sadly lamented that the county commission wanted to "throw God's wonderful breathing system out the door." That is a shame.

These wackadoodles thought they had an ally in Vice Mayor Robert Weinroth, who'd once argued that not wearing a mask was a form of political protest. It was how idiots could get their Rosa Parks on. But he buckled under to Big Science.

"I hate the idea of talking about mandatory face coverings. It goes against my grain," Weinroth said. "But the numbers we saw this week were just out of this world."

Meanwhile, in Arizona, where Donald Trump threw a super spreader party for 3,000 of his closest racist friends, the Department of Health Services added 1,795 positive cases since Tuesday and 79 deaths. Republican officials still aren't taking this shit seriously.

Councilman Guy Phillips led a protest Wednesday against Scottsdale's mandatory mask policy, which went into effect June 19 and requires that people cover their dumb faces in public. After Arizona (prematurely) opened a few weeks ago, hundreds of mask-less fools were spotted not social distancing worth a damn in packed bars and clubs across the city's Old Town.

Phillips said the mandate isn't needed — although it obviously is — and that we should trust people to make their own decisions related to everyone's public health. The proof of such a claim is lacking.

"If you want to wear a mask, wear a mask. If you don't, don't," Phillips said.

This obviously doesn't work, you moron! There were people at this protest with signs declaring “No Masks, Yes Freedom" and “Masks can't stop a virus." We're all going to die.

When Phillips took the stage, he repeatedly exclaimed, “I can't breathe!" which were George Floyd's dying words. In case you forgot, a police officer brutally murdered him less than a month ago. Phillips then stripped off his mask — in a public place around hundreds of strangers — like he was a goddamn Chippendales dancer. Phillips deserves nomination to the Asshole Hall of Fame for packing so much contempt for human life into seven seconds.

[Seattle Times / Palm Beach Post / AZ]

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Stephen Robinson

Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He writes make believe for Cafe Nordo, an immersive theatre space in Seattle. Once, he wrote a novel called “Mahogany Slade,” which you should read or at least buy. He's also on the board of the Portland Playhouse theatre. His son describes him as a “play typer guy."


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