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Huh, weird. We guess Moscow Mitch doesn't really like being called Moscow Mitch, so finally, Thursday, he decided to come out in support of a Band-Aid solution for election security. Maybe people won't call him Moscow Mitch anymore? Haha, fuck off, Moscow Mitch, people gonna call you that at your damn funeral.

If you are thinking to yourself, "bet it's some lame bullshit" or "bet it's not actually what the Democrats were fighting for" or anything along those lines, congratulations, you have apparently heard of Mitch McConnell before today!

In a surprise development, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell announced his support on Thursday for additional money to bolster the country's election system ahead of the 2020 vote, a move that counters his earlier position resisting calls for more funding.

McConnell, R-Ky., said he is co-sponsoring an amendment to an appropriations bill that would provide $250 million for election security.

That's nice.


Chuck Schumer seemed to take the stance of patting McConnell on the back for being a good little Moscow Mitch and finally agreeing to something. Sayeth Schumer on Thursday:

"I made umpteen speeches here at this chair, and the Republican leader denied the need. But now, thank God, he has seen the light. We need more money for election security; ask election officials, Democrat or Republican, throughout the country."

Mark Warner, Democratic Vice Chair of the Senate Intelligence Committee, decided to just tell the truth:

Sen. Mark Warner, D-Va., vice chair of the Senate Intelligence Committee, which wrote a report on the security vulnerabilities in the 2016 election, said that $250 million is "necessary but not sufficient part of securing our elections against foreign attack."

For comparison's sake, NBC News notes that the bill the House passed was for $600 million. So we guess the House and the Senate will have to come together and figure out what they're going to ultimately pass, at which point Moscow Mitch will find a reason to blow it off entirely.

Some Republican senator who's too chickenshit to say his own name out loud told NBC News what this really is:

A Republican Senator on background acknowledges that this $250 million is a fig leaf, Republicans' attempt to keep Democrats from obtaining the hundreds of millions more they want for election security.

"What changed for some people was that Democrats would probably pass an amount of money that was substantially bigger," the senator said.

Uh huh. So basically this is the "STOP CALLING ME MOSCOW MITCH! Election Security Amendment of 2019," but it's not like McConnell is actually doing a thing.

Perhaps it was just getting too hot in the kitchen, with a president openly telegraphing that he's begging Russia to help him cheat to win again in 2020, openly pressuring Ukraine to investigate the man he fears the most in next year's election, and apparently doing something regarding Ukraine so grievous that a whistleblower and the inspector general of the entire intelligence community have been throwing up flares to Adam Schiff saying "ACHTUNG! PRESIDENT FOREIGN AGENT IS DOING IT AGAIN!"

The Washington Post looked at some of the numbers this summer, long before Moscow Mitch signed on to yesterday's measly pissant effort:

Congress recently approved $380 million to revamp election systems in states, but that's not sufficient. It won't, for example, fund machines in all 50 states that can leave paper trails of votes and conduct audits after the election to make sure every vote is counted and nothing was hacked.

"Experts have said if we want to do everything we need to do to harden our election systems in all 50 states," said Ned Price, a former national security spokesman under the Obama administration. " ... [T]hen it will require much more than $380 million, and it will require it soon, because these upgrades take time, and the clock is ticking."

UMMMMM, if there are paper trails, then people will be able to see really quickly if Russia hacked voting machines and flipped votes to Trump, HELLO. Unfair! And that's not a crazy suggestion, since the Senate Republicans' own report found that Russians tried to stick their dicks in election systems in ALL THE STATES, and since special counsel Robert Mueller testified that the Russians not only will be back in 2020, but they already are back.

Anyway, Moscow Mitch gets a tiny pat on the back for doing this, and a great big fuck you for everything he hasn't done yet. We are sorry, but this won't make us stop calling him Moscow Mitch.

In conclusion,

Ben Folds - Moscow Mitch- LIVE on NYC Rooftop 1AUG2019 www.youtube.com

Or as his mom probably called him, ADDISON MOSCOW MITCHELL MCCONNELL, JUNIOR!

The end.

[NBC News / Washington Post / ibid.]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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