Mitch McConnell is mad at everybody on the internet calling him #MoscowMitch, and he's not gonna take it anymore!

He took to the Senate floor on Monday to air his grievances:

Mitch McConnell Criticizes MSNBC For 'Angry Lies' On Election Security Bills | NBC

"Last week I stopped Democrats from passing an election law bill through the Senate by unanimous consent, a bill that was so partisan that it only received one Republican vote over in the House. My Democratic friends asked for unanimous consent to pass a bill that everyone knows isn't unanimous and never will be unanimous. So I objected. ... Over the last several days I was called unpatriotic, un-American, and essentially treasonous by a couple of left-wing pundits on the basis of bold-faced lies. I was accused of aiding and abetting the very man I've singled out as an adversary and opposed for nearly 20 years, Vladimir Putin."

You have to actually watch the video, because he said a lot more than that, and because fucker is Becky asking to speak to a manager, because he has never gotten service like this at the Chipotle! Also he is a Russian asset. He's very offended by that assertion, but what he doesn't understand -- maybe he would if he were more concerned about protecting our elections from Russian attacks and our nation from Russian asset presidents -- is that he doesn't have to be actively and consciously working for the Kremlin to do its bidding. He just has to be a selfish piece of shit who's more concerned with beating Democrats and protecting the criminal at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue than he is about protecting America, and therefore act in such a way that makes America subservient to all those other interests. You know, Putin's interests. Mission accomplished, Boris!

McConnell whined more on the Twitter:

As Axios notes, it was none other than bleeding heart lib Joe Scarborough who really got the #MoscowMitch thing going, which was of course accompanied by Dana Milbank in the Washington Postwriting an article called "Mitch McConnell Is a Russian asset." (We are not even going to attempt to explore the richness that is McConnell complaining about McCarthyism; ain't nobody got that kind of time. Just know that we see it and note it, and you see it and note it, and we are all in agreement that WHAT THE FUCK.) Milbank explained the same thing Wonkette has explained until Wonkette is blue in the face, about how we are not literally saying Mitch McConnell has a secret Moscow shoe phone in his turtle shell that he sneaks into the Senate cloakroom so he can receive instructions from his Mother Russia. (Actually, we don't know that he doesn't do that either, so we'll just call that an unknown.) We're stating another very simple fact, which is that Mitch McConnell is certainly not a liability to Russia, but is the exact opposite of that, and the English word for that is "asset."


This doesn't mean he's a spy, but neither is it a flip accusation. Russia attacked our country in 2016. It is attacking us today. Its attacks will intensify in 2020. Yet each time we try to raise our defenses to repel the attack, McConnell, the Senate majority leader, blocks us from defending ourselves.

Let's call this what it is: unpatriotic. The Kentucky Republican is, arguably more than any other American, doing Russian President Vladimir Putin's bidding.

Unpatriotic. Doing Putin's bidding. A worthless piece of shit. Because yes, Mitch McConnell very much did take the warnings from Democrat Republican Robert Mueller and immediately block a metric borscht-load of bills to protect our nation's elections. And yes, he can go fuck himself when he calls one of those bills "so partisan that it only received one Republican vote over in the House," because we all know the rest of the modern GOP is no better than McConnell when it comes to being a Russian asset. They just have less power than he has.

The bill Democratic Virginia Senator Mark Warner wanted to pass that night, after Robert Mueller's testimony, which was blocked at McConnell's instruction by GOP Senator Cindy Hyde-Smith? To require campaigns to tell the FBI if a foreign power is offering them reacharounds, as opposed to what the Trump family does, saying that they'd love it, especially later in the summer. (It's especially pertinent right now, since Trump has signaled that he'd sure like some Russian help in 2020!)

Another bill blocked by McConnell? To force campaigns to report contributions from non-Americans to the FBI. Another? Here's Milbank:

Sen. Ron Wyden (D-Ore.) tried to force action on bipartisan legislation, written with Sen. Tom Cotton (R-Ark.) and supported by Sens. Mike Rounds (R-S.D.) and Bill Cassidy (R-La.), protecting lawmakers from foreign cyberattacks. "The majority leader, our colleague from Kentucky, must stop blocking this common-sense legislation and allow this body to better defend itself against foreign hackers," he said.

That is very Democrat partisan, with all those Republican coauthors and supporters in the Senate!

Another bill? The one the House already passed? The one that's also SO VERY PARTISAN? That's the Securing America's Federal Elections Act, which aims to give the states the tools and money they need to protect their own damn elections, including through use of paper ballots. But if states are truly protected, can Mitch McConnell's GOP receive the assistance from hostile foreign powers it takes to get to 50 percent plus one? Not in the America of 2019!

You'd think that was it, but no. Let's cheat off Dana Milbank's paper some more, because he listed out a bunch more shit Moscow Mitch has blocked:

A bipartisan bill requiring Facebook, Google and other Internet companies to disclose purchasers of political ads, to identify foreign influence.

A bipartisan bill to ease cooperation between state election officials and federal intelligence agencies.

A bipartisan bill imposing sanctions on any entity that attacks a U.S. election.

A bipartisan bill with severe new sanctions on Russia for its cybercrimes.

Evil liberal agenda items, all of them. And none of them are on the Kremlin's party platform this year either!


Hey, remember that time Russia was literally in the process of attacking our 2016 election, and President Barack Obama went to Mitch McConnell, who had been briefed as part of the Gang of Eight on what was really going on, and asked him to join him in a bipartisan condemnation of the attack? In response, McConnell not only told the Obama administration to fuck off, he also questioned the intelligence showing that Russia was behind the attack, like a common Donald Trump. Oh yeah, AND he told Obama that he would call it dirty and uncool "partisan politics" if Obama told America the Russians were attacking the election to hurt Hillary Clinton and help Donald Trump. (This was during the time he was refusing to hold hearings for Barack Obama's Supreme Court nominee Merrick Garland, which sort of sounds like "partisan politics," if you are not aware that Republicans play by a different set of rules known as IOKIYAR, which stands for "It's OK If You Are A Russian Asset, we mean Republican, we mean both.")

And then (AND THEN!) McConnell had the fucking gall later on to blame Barack Obama for the success of the Russian attack on that election, literally saying Obama didn't do enough to stop it.

And we haven't even gotten to the part about how Rusal, the previously sanctioned Russian aluminum conglomerate partially controlled by the still-sanctioned Oleg Deripaska -- Vladimir Putin's favorite oligarch, who used to be Paul Manafort's boss and who was the likely recipient of the Rust Belt polling models Manafort passed through the Russian spy Konstantin Kilimnik, we are guessing so it could be used in the Russian influence campaign to ratfuck the vote in the three states where Donald Trump pulled off his unlikely "victory" -- YIKES, this sentence has a lot of clauses, the point is that Rusal is investing HUNDREDS OF MILLIONS OF RUSSIAN AMEROS to build a plant in McConnell's (and Rand Paul's!) Kentucky.

You know, not that that little fact could possibly have anything to do with Moscow Mitch's unwillingness to protect something so minor as THE FUCKING INTEGRITY OF AMERICAN ELECTIONS.

Guess what, Mitchell of Moscow? We're gonna keep saying it. Especially because it seems to bother you so much, finally being shamed across America for the trashball shithole human being you've always been.

Wonkette is going to keep saying it:

Andy Richter and Debra Messing are going to keep saying it:

Everybody is going to keep saying it, until the day comes when the Lord decides it's time to take Mitch McConnell home, and by "home," we mean whatever ring of hell the souls of yapping little shitmouth Russian asset turtle-fucker trolls go to.

Moscow Mitch!

Moscow Miiiiiiiiiiiiiitch!

Go fuck yourself.

[Axios / WaPo]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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