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Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.


HOLD ON TO YOUR BUTTS! The Russian lawyer lady is back and she's telling reporters that she and DJTJ had agreed to a quid-pro-quo scheme where she'd give the Trump campaign "dirt" on Hill-dawg in exchange for dropping Russian sanctions -- BUT, when she arrived at the meeting without proof, Trump & Co. got all butthurt. WOAH, if true!

The House Intel Committee voted unanimously to release the Democratic memo countering Devin Nunes' vague outline. Trump can either keep it classified, unclassify it, or do nothing (which would eventually unclassify it).

Carter Page went on teevee to tell the world that he was butthurt and offended that the FBI spied on him while he was selling himself for rubles, stating it was "even worse than I could have possibly imagined."

Trump's lawyers are trying to convince him not to talk with Robert Mueller because they fear Trump's tendency to pathologically lie could lead him into a "perjury trap."

Steve Bannon is supposed to show up at the House Intel Committee today, but the rumor mill on the Hill is that he's going to ignore the subpoena and chillax on his couch in some cargo shorts chugging Red Bull and eating Chinese food until it's time for another depression nap.

Hannity and Devin Nunes embraced each other and openly wept on national television like two brave men who aren't afraid of a world that doesn't understand their love of tinfoil hats and cheese-filled hot dogs.

Tucker Carlson and DJTJ pressed their hands against the glass  and told themselves they were winners through repressed sobs.

With (another) potential government shutdown looming days away, House Republicans think they've finally found a way to make everybody happy by giving $659 billion to the DOD and kicking the can down the road (AGAIN). The bill has hit the Hill like a shart in church.

As Trump's opioid czar, Kellyanne Conway is ignoring the advice of health professionals and is instead relying on political appointees, touting a border wall, and pushing a "just say no" campaign. Hopefully we'll get new DARE swag before the next Burning Man.

A leaked DHS draft document recommends the constant extreme vetting and surveillance of Sunni Muslim men on a "long-term basis" due to their potential to be "at-risk" for "terrorist narratives." You know, like neo-Nazis, "white horse" Mormons, and homebrew militias.

For the second day in a row, the stock market nosedived and Republicans tried to distance themselves from any semblance of accountability, despite the fact that Trump was literally boasting about the market as the DOW sank over 1,000 points before the closing bell.

Global markets are tanking this morning, but don't worry, all is well.

As the Dow tanked for the second day in a row yesterday, the "alt-right" crazies began to rant and rave about false flags, while Hannity blamed Obama in a convoluted buzzword salad that concluded the markets are actually doing great. This is only a trust fall.

Tax professionals are warning that the divorce rate may spike this year thanks to the Trump tax cuts (for the super rich), which include a provision for reducing the alimony deduction in the highest income brackets. If you rush to divorce so you can grab a disappearing tax benefit, that probably does say something about the marriage, huh?

The first legal case against Trump's border wall will meet a familiar face on Friday as Gonzalo Curiel is set to decide over the legality of Congressional waivers from 1996 and 2005 that allowed the federal government to ignore environmental protection statutes.

A former pro-Trump group is launching an ad campaign to criticize Trump's "amnesty" plan to let Messican babies steal all the dirty jobs.

The Public Health Service can't figure out how to pay workers the "special pay" designed to attract dentists, pharmacists and veterinarians to government service. Good thing there isn't a dark cloud hovering over government coffers...

Administrator of the Centers for Medicare and Medicaid Services Seema Verma is quietly working to institute caps on Medicaid benefits, so all the jobless poors will stop sucking off Uncle Sam's titty and self-abort.

Andrew Janz is Devin Nunes's Democratic opponent in California's 22nd; though the deep red district favors Nunes, Janz has been hauling in hundreds of thousands in cash over the last few days, potentially giving Nunes a real fight.

Missouri Republicans are having second-second thoughts about how to beat Democratic Sen. Claire McCaskill as they remain perpetually haunted by the ghost of "legitimate rape."

Incensed that the SCOTUS can tell them what to do, Pennsylvania's top Republican legislators want to impeach the LIBERAL state Supreme Court Justices for finding Republican-drawn congressional maps were gerrymandered.

Since there's no medal for winning the race to the toilet, about 1,200 security staff for the 2018 Winter Olympics have been quarantined after they started suffering cases of the hots, the trots, and the squats.

As Mike Pence worms his way to the Winter Olympics, he noted he wasn't sure if he would meet with a North Korean delegation to prevent a thermonuclear holocaust by stating, "We'll see what happens."

Bitcoin has lost about 70% of its value in about two months, a loss of about $550 billion Ameros. LOL, suckers.

Don't be fooled by people trying to scare you with "face-swap" videos. If you're not A Idiot who is fooled by Russian troll bots or Fox's fake news, you'll embrace the same technology being used to put Nicolas Cage into every movie ever made.

A new 18-month study out of Oxford University has found Trump supporters are more likely to share "junk" political news on social media due to the increasingly insulated environments that only talk about Her Emails.

Rather than yelling, screaming, and slamming the phone down, millenials are slut-shaming scammers, posting videos of "scam-baiting" to warn people how scammers work, and explaining how to protect yourself.

And here's your morning Nice Time! Horny meerkats!

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Dominic Gwinn

Dominic is a broke journalist in Chicago. You can find him in a dirty bar talking to weirdos, or lying in a gutter taking photos.

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Once upon a time, Immigration and Customs Enforcement officers at least claimed to focus their efforts entirely on immigrants involved in criminal activity. Those days are long gone, and now they're going after anyone, including law-abiding people who are just trying to drive their pregnant wives to the hospital to give birth.

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I'd mentioned this week that there's definitely probably a tape out there of Donald Trump referring to a black person as a "nigger," because Trump is a racist and that's sort of what they do. Sarah Huckabee Sanders won't even affirmatively deny such a tape exists, and she's from the "two plus two equals five" school of communications management. I also speculated that once the tape was released, Republican supporters of the president would flock to defend his vile words: "Hey, if you rearrange the letters in "nigger," you get "ginger" and who doesn't like redheads and the occasional Dark 'n' Stormy?"

The shameful display has already started and the supposed recording isn't even available for pre-order on iTunes. Georgia State Senator Michael Williams stated in appearance on CNN's "New Day Saturday" that if Trump -- who's the president, by the way -- did say "nigger," it would certainly concern him as an "individual" but "not necessarily as a person that is running our country." So, uh, what the hell is that? This has been a standard argument from Republicans ever since Trump crawled his way out of the sewers of birtherism and onto a major political stage: "We think Trump is a terrible human being -- seriously, we have to shower immediately after meeting with him -- but we still think he's a suitable steward of the most powerful nation on the planet."

Normally, you'd think this would work the other way. You know, your brother-in-law is a nice enough guy. Your sister certainly could've done worse. You don't mind the slightly rambling sports-ball discussions with him at family gatherings. He's good for looking after the kids (as long as your sister is present or reachable by cell), but you'd never invest your hard-earned money into whatever half-assed business venture he's trying to get off the ground nor would you back his run for any serious political office.

I've long had issues with the "brilliant asshole" archetype in TV and movies. It's almost always a white male (because women and minorities must be perfect) whose emotional immaturity and overall jerkass behavior we're told to overlook because they're so goshdarned awesome. Do you want some PC "cuck" or do you want Dr. House to figure out that the MS symptoms you're suffering are really just because you ate a stale doughnut? Sherlock Holmes doesn't have time for your feelings or social niceties -- not while he's solving mysteries and being dreamy.

Trump, however, isn't "brilliant." He's just a guy who says "nigger." They're hardly a scarcity in the market. You don't even have to venture out to a klan rally to find one. You can order online -- same day social media delivery.

Williams argues that Trump didn't use the word "nigger" when he was in the "office of the president." It was just some youthful indiscretion when he was almost 60. I don't even know where he's going with this. Does he think Trump has changed? He routinely insults and belittles black people. He also calls black NFL players who peacefully protest "sons of bitches." Was that his way of weaning off calling us "niggers"? Has he been wearing a "nigger" patch on his arm to control his cravings for the racial epithet?

"He used the word in his personal life," Williams said. (It was actually in a workplace context -- SER) "Now if he were president and were to go on TV and use the n-word, I'd have a major problem with that."

media.giphy.com

It's heartening repulsive to see that Williams draws the line at Trump holding an official "nigger" press conference. I think once we reach that point, Trump will probably also reveal that his buddies on the Supreme Court discovered a typo in the Thirteenth Amendment and black folks' work-life balance will start to really suffer.

"I will always say using the n-word is wrong, and it's bad, and should never be accepted in our society. But just because (Trump) might have done it years ago, not as our president, doesn't mean we need to continue to berate him because he used it," GOP state Sen. Michael Williams, who is white, told CNN's Victor Blackwell on "New Day Saturday."

Blackwell, who is black, had to sit there and listen to this crap from a white elected official who is just 45 years old. You know, the word "nigger" doesn't even appear in the Dred Scott decision, for example, but that's not necessary for reasonable people to understand that it was racist as hell. We all know Trump is racist, but now Republicans can't even repudiate the worst demonstrations of his racial animus. The first black president hasn't even been out of office for two full years and already "nigger" is being redefined. What would once end a campaign in its tracks when Blackwell and I were growing up is now just an "oops, my bad."

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