Mike Lindell didn't get where he is in this life by being shy. The former addict turned pillow pumper built a successful company by just going for it, and he's not about to stop now. The problem with just saying whatever's on your mind, though, is that sometimes it gets you in trouble — particularly when your mind is filled with syphilitic ferrets shouting COUP! COUP! COUP!

And so it is that Lindell finds his company dropped by multiple major national retailers just as he receives a preservation letter from the company he's been shit talking for months. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.

For reasons not entirely clear, the White House has consulted Lindell on everything from coronavirus treatments to election security. Lindell, who failed to graduate from the University of Minnesota, has expertise in neither area. But he's been an ardent supporter of the president, and in the Trump administration, that's good enough.


On Friday night, he was spotted leaving the White House with a memo laying out a plot to overthrow the government involving martial law and the CIA. This is what we call fomenting rebellion against the US government, and there used to be severe criminal penalties for that sort of thing. Heck, maybe soon there will be again! In the meantime, Dominion Voting Systems would like a word in civil court about all the baseless accusations of fraud and vote rigging Lindell has been slinging about them.

"We write regarding your patently false accusations that Dominion has somehow rigged or otherwise improperly influenced the recent U.S. presidential election," Dominion's lawyer Thomas Clare wrote in a preservation letter on December 23 and published yesterday by Axios. "Despite knowing your implausible attacks against Dominion have no basis in reality, you have participated in the vast and concerted misinformation campaign to slander Dominion."

Note that defamation of a public figure requires actual knowledge that the claim is false, or at least reckless disregard of the statement's veracity. There's a decent argument that Lindell is so cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs that he actually believes all this horse shit about vote rigging by the Chinese and the Italians, although we're having a hard time picturing the Pillow lawyers making the case that their own client is too batcrap insane to know which end is up.

"Recently, you have positioned yourself as a prominent leader of the ongoing misinformation campaign," the letter continues. "Accordingly, Dominion formally demands that you (1) cease and desist making defamatory claims against Dominion and (2) preserve and retain all documents relating to Dominion and your smear campaign against the company." And just in case that wasn't clear, Clare added in a footnote, "For the avoidance of all doubt, this is a retraction demand pursuant to relevant state statutes and applicable rules of court."

Translation: We are suing you in a minute. Don't destroy any evidence, you paste-eating charlatan.

A month later, Lindell seems not to be heeding the warning.

"I have friends of mine that they're getting — they've been gone after by 'the machine people.' You know, these Dominion, these SOS, you know, SAS machines whatever. Or they did, I think, they're going after them," Lindell told Right Side Broadcasting Network in an apparent reference to Sidney Powell, who has already been sued by Dominion. "But you know what? Ha! That's great! I welcome 'em to come after me, 'cause I've got all the evidence. Then we'll finally see it, right?"

"I want Dominion to put up their lawsuit because we have 100% evidence that China and other countries used their machines to steal the election," Lindell told Axios.

Which raises an interesting question, and one which Dominion's lawyers will likely raise in court. Presumably Lindell could have shared that evidence with the public at any point in the past 10 weeks — unlike his buddy Sidney Powell, he's still got his Twitter account. And instead he's tweeting out inscrutable screenshots of context-free gibberish, which will no doubt be cited as evidence that he knows his own numbers are garbage.

He's got hundreds of pages, you guys. He just can't show them to you right now. Don't ask why.

"I did my own math on November 4th, and I said 'This is mathematically impossible. Or improbable, for sure improbable. Close to impossible.' And then I got this guy four days ago, he brought it in 100 percent impossible!" Lindell gushed to the Right Side host Brian Glenn, assuring him that Trump's actual margin of victory was 11 million votes.

For those of you doing the math, turning a 7 million Trump vote deficit into an 11 million margin would require an 18 million vote tabulation error, or 11 percent. Which seems on the face of it 100 percent impossible. But, see, Mike Lindell knows a guy ...

And while we're on this little tangent, the Wiki for Right Side notes that it was just some dude named Joe Seales posting YouTube videos of Trump rallies in 2015, until he decamped to Alabama to chow down on that sweet, sweet government cheese.

After RSBN began taking off, Seales and his family moved to Auburn, Alabama, as the town had just equipped itself with $43 million worth of high-speed fiber optic cables. He and his wife transformed their new home into a news studio, hiring producers and on-air talent. Since then, RSBN has accumulated hundreds of millions of views on its YouTube channel.

As every red-blooded conservative does!

As for Kohls, Bed Bath and Beyond, Wayfair, and H-E-B dropping his product, Lindell knows who is to blame.

That's right, it is communists! Or maybe it is bots! Look, who can follow this shit? The point is, Mike Lindell welcomes this lawsuit because then everyone will get to see all his very good evidence that the election was stolen. Evidence he can't share with you now because reasons. And he's definitely not a wacko who's going to lose his company in a lawsuit that proves to the public that all the claims about vote fraud which the GOP used to gin up a pack of lunatics to sack Congress were pathetic lies.

[Dominion Letter / Axios]

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Liz Dye

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.

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