MyPillow Guy Reschedules President Joe Biden's Resignation For August 13

Conspiracy theories

We used to make fun of Mike Lindell, the El Chapo of the pillow cartel, for constantly rescheduling the time when the Supreme Court is going to see his packets and "take down" the 2020 election. (That's how he says it, he says "take down" the election, like it's curtains.) But to be fair to the guy, it seems like his non-functioning brain has developed an unhealthy fixation with the period between about August 10 and August 13, when he claims he will be holding a "symposium" that will be attended by LITERALLY EVERYONE OBVIOUSLY, where he will show his proof that dead Hugo Chavez's Italian space gremlins stole the election from Donald Trump, or whatever it is they believe.

We don't know how it's going to work. Maybe it'll be some sort of fair thing, and maybe the Supreme Court, which is not in session anywhere near this time, will don fanny packs and travel to the symposium and just TAKE IT DOWN right then and there, in between bites of funnel cake. Surely there will be funnel cakes.

Lindell explained to rotting hunk of gristle Steve Bannon recently that once his symposium has concluded, on about August 13, Joe Biden will be resigning. It's just gonna happen, OK? The MyPillow guy has seen the packets, and he knows what they mean. They mean his true lord and white savior Donald Trump is the real president, OK? And when Joe Biden sees the packets, oh boy, hoo boy, oh boy, hoo boy, you betcha, we're havin' hotdish for supper and Joe Biden is gonna resign in shame, oh boy:



LINDELL: It gives me hope that even your Democrats [...] they're seeing now firsthand what government can do and how bad socialism and communism can be.

He says it was three Democrats he talked to outside a hotel. He says they wished they had known about Hunter's laptop. He provides no corroborating evidence that anybody else saw these people or that they talked to him.

LINDELL: When we get through this and the Supreme Court pulls down this election —

Uh huh.

LINDELL: like I've been telling everybody —

We know.

LINDELL: when they do this, it's going to be a great uniting and that gives me hope right there. [...]

Once we have this symposium, how are the pathways of Donald Trump coming back?

How indeed are the pathways.

LINDELL: Well, the first one would be, once we have the symposium, by the night of the 12th or the morning of the 13th.

If everyone has seen it – including the administration that's in there now that didn't win – maybe, you know, Biden and Harris would say, 'Hey, we're here to protect the country' and resign.

Yep. Gonna suck to be Joe Biden and Kamala Harris in that moment, on the night of the 12th or the morning of the 13th, when they find out about what happened at the symposium — "China did our vote," Lindell explains in the video above — and are so filled with shame that they resign in order to protect the country.

In other news, Simone Biles is going to be very disappointed when she learns that Mike Lindell's packets also say she isn't the greatest gymnast of all time and the Supreme Court spontaneously gets together to pull her down off all those gold medal podiums and declare some meth-addled somersaulting redneck from Lindell's symposium named "Tumblin' Bonnie" the real GOAT.

[UPDATE: By the way, we wrote this post before news came out that Biles had to pull out of the team competition in Tokyo. We send all our warmest vibes for whatever she's going through right now. "Tumblin' Bonnie" is still funny as shit, obv.)

[transcript via JoeMyGod]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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