Mythological 'Whitey' Tape Will Finally Ruin Obama

Hillary/McCain supporters of the "sofa in the yard" variety have long dreamed of a magical trick to destroy Barack Obama's candidacy -- something that would transform the "post-racial candidate" into, of course, that thing racist whites are always dreaming of: racistblacks. The holy grail of this quest is a tape or video or some kind of recording that proves Michelle Obama is The (Black) Devil because she said "whitey," which is a poisonous slur against whitey because it has kept whitey down for the whole 6,000 years of White Christian whitey's existence.

The inability of American blacks to come up with a biting epithet for their White Oppressors is best illustrated in this uncomfortable sketch by Richard Pryor and Chevy Chase:

(Whole transcript here.)

Even a few years after the U.S. race riots, "whitey" was so dopey and unoffensive that it was Pryor's counter to "negro," which is just a word and not even a slur. The scarcity of loaded slurs against whitey eventually becomes the joke, as Pryor's job-seeking character can only respond with variations of "honky" ("Honky Honky!", "Dead Honky") when Chase's interviewer finally reaches the dreaded N-Word.

Anyway, there are all these convoluted myths about a video or audio recording of Michelle Obama saying "whitey." The cast of characters rumored to join her in this video include Jeremiah Wright, Louis Farrakhan, Malcolm X and W.E. B. Du Bois. Many Hillary/RNC insiders have supposedly seen the damning video. And once it is released, which could happen any day now, although the RNC insiders hope it's not until "November 1" and the Hillary white women obviously want it revealed tonight, Barack Obama will be finished! Curtains for him! No country like America is going to elect the husband of a colored lady who says something like "whitey," which is possibly worse than wearing a paisley scarf while selling donuts & sugar-coffee to fat people.

Wonkette guest editor/Reason sellout Dave Weigel puts together a sort-of plausible narrative that still makes no sense, as he concludes, but it does feature another blogger's semi-hilarious possible theory that would make this whole story much better, if true: Michelle Obama was recorded giving a statement about Bush being a loser, with her "Why'd he" do this or that to New Orleans, Iraq, etc., misheard by racist whites as "Whitey."

And now Roger Stone has claimed, on Fox News, that the tape is more real than Bigfoot and the Loch Ness Monster combined. Regardless, the tape has stubbornly evaded capture by YouTube or Drudge Report.

"There Is A Tape With Michelle Obama Making Racist References" [Free Republic]

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The Church of Scientology had some thoughts about Our Robyn's piece, Who Wants To Watch A Creepy White Guy Rap About Scientology? We had some thoughts about their thoughts.

Thanks for writing in, Scientology! As you doubtless realized when you didn't demand we take down our story, but requested it instead, our opinions of your weird cult and that poor young man's rap skills are protected by the First Amendment. (I learned about libel law in college and grad school but also on the job: I was in newspapers so long that I was actually colleagues with Tony Ortega -- about whom you sound quite "venomous" and "biased" -- at the very same newspaper chain you can't believe he defended! Next up, please show your due diligence by talking trash about a woman you didn't know was my mom.)

Also, a lot of your former members say on the record that you kidnap people, and stalk them, and harass them, and sometimes beat them up good, and I request that if so, fucking stop it.

The rest of you click the headline, if you want your OPEN THREAD.

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Monday's Trump-Putin press conference landed on the entire free world like a hot treason-shaped turd, didn't it? Congressional Republicans have been saying mean things about it on Twitter, and even Fox News has been less than 100% supportive! The White House communications department obviously knew it had a crisis on its hands, what with how it's generally considered inappropriate for the leader of the free world to get on all fours in front of the Russian president and wag his tail and slobber with anticipation while he awaits his next marching orders. WOMP WOMP, etc.

So the comms department typed up a thing for the president to read aloud today at the beginning of his meeting with members of Congress, about how he was VERY SORRY he said one word incorrectly during the Putin presser. That's right, only one word of that whole fucking shitshow was wrong. All the rest of his traitor words were exactly what he meant to say.

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