Donald Trump signed a massive coronavirus stimulus bill last night after the Senate, led by Mitch McConnell, voted it through. It was the least they could do, and there's much more to be done by Congress. As the Senate voted, McConnell literally instructed senators on how to practice good social distancing while voting. Really. Because that's where we are right now. Apparently there are no science-deniers in a global pandemic, at least not in the United States Senate!

Haha, just kidding, of course there are. Eight senators, all GOP as if you were even wondering if they weren't all GOP, voted against the bill. Tattoo their names on a wall made of shit and hang this vote around their necks until the end of time.


They are:

  • Marsha Blackburn of Tennessee
  • Jim Inhofe and James Lankford of Oklahoma (Lucky you, Oklahoma, you got TWO of the most heartless and stupidest!)
  • Mike Lee of Utah
  • Rand Paul of Kentucky
  • Ben Sasse -- the very thoughtful Moderate McSeriousHeart person! -- of Nebraska
  • Tim Scott of South Carolina
  • Senate's Dumbest Republican Ron Johnson of Wisconsin, who just wants y'all to see the bright side of coronavirus

We don't know why these eight GOP senators couldn't bring themselves to vote for a bill even Mitch McConnell was backing, to help Americans in need during a pull-the-fire-alarm global pandemic. Maybe we could Google it, but thing is, we don't fucking care. Whatever selfish ideological picky-ass pissant reasons they had why this bill just wasn't perfect, we don't want to hear them. These senators just told you what they care about, and it's not whether your Nana dies of coronavirus or you go bankrupt because of the disease. They've got theirs, after all. (They might end up with their own coronavirus before this is all over, unfortunately!)

When people tell you who they are, believe them, etc.

Oh yeah, as Charlie Pierce reminds us, Sasse and Inhofe are running for re-election in November. Now, those seats are considered VERY VERY SAFE, but you never know what the numbers might look like after the worst, stupidest people in America are done trying to lead America's response to a global pandemic.

We really don't have anything else to say about this, we just want you to know their names. Maybe you should repeat them as some sort of mantra when you are bored in your house as you shelter in place to keep yourself and your friends and family safe from coronavirus. Turn their names into a very cruel song or something! And then the chorus can be about Donald Trump, the "wartime president." (It's OK to call him a "wartime president," because he clearly wants you to. You just have to make the jerk-off motion when you say it.)

Anyway, the point is, these eight senators are the absolute worst people in America and should go fuck themselves, the end, and that is all we have to say about that.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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