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Damn it feels good to be a gangsta


There really is a tweet for everything. Donald Trump in 2013:

And Donald Trump right now, September 6, 2017, speaking via a statement from Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi:

"In the meeting, the President and Congressional leadership agreed to pass aid for Harvey, an extension of the debt limit, and a continuing resolution both to December 15, all together. Both sides have every intention of avoiding default in December and look forward to working together on the many issues before us."

Pelosi and Schumer added that the DREAM Act needs a clean vote, like yesterday.

So basically Pelosi and Schumer went into a meeting with Trump and got Mr. Art Of The Deal to give them everything they wanted. (They did this back in May too!) And how did they do that? Did they give Trump a framed county-by-county electoral map, as former Wonker Jim Newell teased on the Twitter? Did they tell him he has the prettiest appleheaded vagina mouth they've ever seen? Or did they do it more good cop/bad cop, where Chuck Schumer said nice New York words at Trump while Pelosi jammed her high heel into his neck and called him a pussy?

Out of frame: Pelosi cock-slapping Trump.

It's clear, though, that Trump put up quite the fight, as did Mitch McConnell and Paul Ryan, who also were there:

OK, it was the opposite of a fight.

Also:

Imagine that.

But back to Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer showing Trump how REAL leaders grab puss and take it to Haverty's, Jonathan Swan at Axios spoke to a "Republican close to leadership" and learned there's even hope for DACA coming out of this meeting:

"Dems bluffed their way into total victory. They win the politics of DACA and leverage on debt in the winter. The fate is sealed - DACA will be reauthorized without strings, Schumer has inserted himself into all negotiations in the winter, including tax, spending and immigration."

Excuse us? "Reauthorized without strings"? But we thought ...

Did Pelosi and Schumer tell Trump America has pee hookers too? Jesus Christ.

Did we mention Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin was in the meeting too, fighting on the side of Ryan and McConnell, and ALSO got told to go eat a bag of his own dicks?

Meanwhile, Trump is declaring victory:

"We had a very good meeting with Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer [Trump notably did not mention Ryan or McConnell]. We agreed to a three-month extension on debt ceiling, which they consider to be sacred, very important, always we'll agree on debt ceiling automatically because of the importance of it. Also on the CRs and also on Harvey, which now we're going to be adding something because of what's going on in Florida, but we had a very good meeting. We essentially came to a deal, and I think the deal will be very good."

Did they present him a new pair of gloves with the words "World's Biggest Hands" cross-stitched on them?

We are not done LOLing at this yet! And yeah, we're pasting another tweet, because when we use Axios as a primary source, it makes us feel like dumbing things down. No idea why. Look at this Trump statement from Air Force One:

CHUCK AND NANCY? God, Trump's being so sweet you'd think he just got birthday "D" from Vladimir Putin.

WHAT DID THEY DO TO HIM? Did Schumer give him a swirlie and a wedgie at the same time while Pelosi gangsta kicked him in the nuts?

OR ...

MAYBE ...

iT COULD BE that Schumer and Pelosi are really fucking good at their jobs, which makes Fox News say mean things about them, which makes them a "liability" for the party come mid-terms (especially the lady one named Nancy!), which means we should obviously fire them and hire that Tim Ryan doucherabbit instead. #FreshBloodssssss!

We are just saying.

Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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[Axios]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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Hooray, it's time for yet another dispatch from Fox News's big fun week of failure. (No, we mean even more failure than usual.) While all of Twitter is being annoying and talking incessantly about nothing but Bran and Daenerys and Carl and Peg or whoever they are, we have been (ignoring it and) focusing on all Fox's sadness, starting with Pete Buttigieg's town hall, where he called Fox News a piece of shit to its face. Then we laughed and laughed at Fox News idiot Pete Hegseth, who is sending lots of begging to today's college graduates, that they might immediately get dropped on their heads and forget all their education, so they might grow up to be the Fox News viewers of the future.

Oh, and we haven't even had a chance to LOL at the epic hilarity of Steve Doocy trying to do man-on-the-street interviews in Midtown Manhattan, shoving the mic into the faces of New Yorkers who literally don't care if he goes and plays in traffic. That was fun!

But the point of this post is that we have finally learned what makes at least some Fox News viewers tick, and it is that Tucker Carlson "laughs like a girl." That is not us saying that, that is a Fox News fan lady telling the Washington Post's Erik Wemple why she loves Tucker Carlson so much.

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Old White Guys Try To Explain Abortion

Throwing the baby out with the bathwater. It's your Sunday show rundown!

popular

Michael is out, so I'm taking over your Sunday Show Rundown. This week everyone was talking about those awful abortion laws worming their way through state legislatures. As usual, most of the men were tripping on their dicks while trying to talk about vag. Luckily, there's enough women around to ladysplain things.

Bernie Sanders went on Meet the Press for the first time in FOREVER and played his greatest hits for all the kids. Sanders criticized Joe Biden's environmental policy (which is literally just "beat Trump"), stating that it wasn't "good enough." Sanders is right! (NO FIGHTING.)

SANDERS: Beating Trump is not good enough. You have to beat the fossil fuel industry, you have to take on all the forces of the status quo who do not want to move this country to energy efficiency and sustainable energy.

But then Chuck Todd asked Bernie a loaded question about women getting "sex-selective" abortions and the whole interview went off the rails. Bernie struggled to answer the dumbass question and came across looking stupid despite having spent the better part of the last week in Alabama railing against abortion bans.

Keep reading... Show less
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