Nancy Pelosi Will Quit Being Speaker Soon As The Rest Of Y'all Dead
Nancy Pelosi woke up Thursday morning and did her daily affirmations, which consist of her looking at herself in the mirror and saying, "ALL I DO IS WIN! I WIN SO MUCH, I'M SICK OF WINNING!" Then she punched the shit out of a jellybean, to practice for whatever Trump dick-punching the Lord calls on her to do today.
We mentioned that after Chuck 'n' Nancy's public mockery of Donald Trump in the Oval Office, she went back to the Hill to talk about how President Skunk Tinkles had just sprayed her, but she also had important bid'ness to do, which was locking down her upcoming #win in her race for speaker of the House. Last night, she hammered out a deal with a few more folks in her rapidly dwindling opposition, and she agreed that, as a compromise, once she has outlived every single Democratic member of the House of Representatives, she will hand her gavel to somebody.
OK, we are saying a hyperbole, but she promises she will quit being speaker once she is 83. (83!) She is 78 right now, so basically she is saying she'll be the boss of two more Congresses and then she will hand her gavel to somebody who's ready on day one like a common Nancy Pelosi. (Presumably, this gives her a chance to finish grooming whomever is best suited to take her spot.)
See? Everybody wins. Also? LIKE A BOSS.
She made the agreement with seven holdouts, and released this statement:
"This proposal, which was developed by Members who care about the institution of the House of Representatives, would provide that Members in senior leadership positions can serve 3 terms with an additional term with two-thirds support of the Caucus," Pelosi said in a statement. "It would include the two terms of the Democratic Majority from 2007 to 2011."
OK fine sure whatever. Term limits can be a good thing sometimes, as long as we're not handing the keys to some idiot who doesn't know what they are doing. In cases like that, term limits are a bad thing.
The House would have to vote on this proposal sometime before February 5, as Roll Call reports, but Pelosi says she'll stick to the part of the deal that concerns her speakership regardless of whether or not it passes.
In exchange for Pelosi backing the proposal, Reps. Ed Perlmutter of Colorado, Linda T. Sánchez of California, Bill Foster of Illinois, Seth Moulton of Massachusetts, Filemon Vela of Texas and Tim Ryan of Ohio, as well as California Rep.-elect Gil Cisneros, have all agreed to drop their opposition to her speaker bid.
You are the weakest link, Seth Moulton and Tim Ryan, GOODBYE.
Roll Call notes that Pelosi isn't all the way there yet in securing all the votes she needs to become the next speaker, because there are some Democrats who apparently still want to die on this hill of not supporting Pelosi, 14 of them to be exact, plus five other folks who haven't taken a position. How many more does Pelosi need? Just two. She'll take care of that by lunch.
Which two will they be? Not constant dickhead Rep. Kathleen Rice of New York, and not the adorable Conor Lamb of Pennslvania, who is being just adorably bull-headed about this. Guess Nancy Pelosi will have to pick from 17 OTHER PEOPLE.
Did Pelosi even need to make this nice deal? Pffffffffft.
A source close to Pelosi said she didn't need this deal to seal her position as speaker, but she wants the biggest vote possible and as much unity as she can muster.
And what about the term limits that most Democrats don't even support? LOL, not if the caucus doesn't vote for it. Roll Call quoted Cedric Richmond, the Louisiana rep who chairs the Congressional Black Caucus:
"It's just this group of rebels that are pushing for term limits on senior leadership, nobody else is," he said. "I think these guys are looking for an exit ramp off their suicide mission, and this is their latest attempt at it."
And what about this whole "Nancy Will Quit Being Speaker By Age 83" thing? Did Pelosi actually give something up? Hahaha, does a bear use a public restroom instead of just taking a big crap in the woods? (Nope. Not how bears roll.)
Several Democrats also said they did not think Pelosi needed to back term limits to be elected speaker. A few even felt it was a mistake to agree to limit her tenure but said she probably would not have agreed to it if she had not planned to exit within the next four years anyway.
ALL. SHE. DOES. IS. WIN.
At press time, Pelosi was carving "Once and future boss OF YOUR FACE" into her desk with a pencil, because she can do what she wants and you can go eat dicks if you don't like it.
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