It's all happening! No seriously, all of it is happening! Later this afternoon, the House will vote on officially transferring the imepachment articles to the Senate, after which they will be loaded into the back of a 1987 Dodge Caravan and ceremonially driven through the hallways of the Capitol and dumptrucked into Mitch McConnell's turtle butthole, as required by the Constitution.

Speaker Nancy Pelosi announced this morning the appointment of seven impeachment managers for the trial in the Senate, whom the House will formally vote on later. (Impeachment managers are the reps who prosecute the trial in the Senate.) This is a tighter operation than the Clinton impeachment, where there were 13 of them.


They are:

  • Adam Schiff, chair of the House Intelligence Committee, will serve as the lead. He's been an impeachment manager before, in 2010, for the trial of Judge Thomas Porteous. He is a WELL-KNOWN TREASON PARAPHRASER.
  • Jerry Nadler, chair of the House Judiciary Committee, will be there too. Nadler is a Gemini.
  • OH FORGOT, Adam Schiff is a Cancer. (ON SOCIETY.)
  • Val Demings of Florida, a badass who sits on both committees, was one of the most effective questioners in the House hearings and is a former cop, VAL IS A COP!111!1!!! Also a Pisces.
  • Zoe Lofgren of California is known around the Judiciary Committee for being incredibly smart and knowing her shit better than just about anybody. She knows her way around impeachment, as she helped draft the articles against Richard Nixon. She is a Sagittarius.
  • Hakeem Jeffries of New York, from the Judiciary Committee, was also an effective questioner. He is a corporate lawyer and a Leo.
  • Sylvia Garcia of Texas, also from Judiciary. She is a lawyer and a judge, and a Virgo.
  • Jason Crow of Colorado, a new House Democrat who is a former Army Ranger and a lawyer. He's not on either of the committees, but again, Army Ranger and lawyer, and he was one of the national security Democrats who helped kick off the impeachment inquiry in the first place. Like Val Demings, Crow is a Pisces.

These sound like good choices, and we'd expect nothing less from Pelosi.

Notably absent is Rep. Justin Amash (I-ARMS), who got kicked out of the Republican Party when he decided to be the only Republican with the strength of his convictions and the integrity to assess Donald Trump for the criminal he is, supported the impeachment inquiry, and eventually voted for the articles. We thought it would be a brilliant idea to include Amash in the group, an idea that gained some traction for a bit, but we are sure the speaker had her reasons for not doing that. Maybe she didn't want all the senators to be so distracted by his hot arms that they accidentally voted to convict his hot arms for being too hot.

That happens in Senate sometimes.

As we said, the impeachment managers will act kinda like prosecutors for the trial, presenting the evidence and whatnot and so forth. They will likely play different roles, with each assigned to specific aspects of Trump's crimes, and if McConnell really goes with the Clinton rules (LOL) it's likely they will have 24 hours to present their case. After they are done, as per Congress tradition, having outlived their usefulness, they will be sent to a farm where they can frolic and play all day with all the other past impeachment managers from US history, even the old timey ones from the 1800s.

We don't have anything else to say about this and the jokes only get more inane from here on out, y'all, so let's just go with IT IS ALL HAPPENING. RIGHT NOW!

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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