Nation Anxiously Awaiting Devin Nunes Making In The Potty All By Himself!
he's makin' that poop right now
OH GOODNESS, OH GOODNESS, OH GOODNESS! It is like Christmas in February! Except for we're not waiting for Santa Claus to give us presents, we are waiting for Devin Nunes to make us a "present," in his pants!
We have been talking about a stupid memo all week, one scribbled in pee by the idiot Congressional staff of idiot Devin Nunes. Supposedly, it comes out today! This reminds us of that week almost a year ago when Nunes held America hostage after he spent a thrilling night Uber-ing back and forth between the White House and the White House so he could deliver unto the White House the top secret classified information he had just learned from the White House about how "Obama people" were improperly implanting "wire tapps" inside the patriotic bottoms of people on Team Trump. Our favorite reaction to that episode came from Senator Richard Burr, the Republican chair of the Senate Intelligence Committee (you know, the grown-up intel committee), who just LOLed and stated for the record that Nunes had literally made all that shit up.
And now, as we sit here in fevered anticipation, there are reports that the White House is worried that Devin Nunes's Latest Surprise might be a "dud." A wet noodle. A limp dick. A loser. A weak and sad loser. In other words, a "Devin."
Tell us, Axios:
Trump still wants to release the memo. But there are a number of people in the White House who are fairly underwhelmed, and there's internal anxiety about whether it's worth angering the FBI director and intelligence community by releasing this information.
But it's still going to happen! Totally! Donald Trump is a giant moron and he decided from the first second he heard "memo" that this would be THE THING that vindicated him and gave him cover to fire Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein and put the brakes on the Robert Mueller investigation. It's not like he can go back on it now, even though there's a 99.9% chance it's just another one of Devin Nunes's special turdlets. Trump made this decision not by reading the memo (the White House says he's totally read it by now) but by watching Fox News idiots yell about it, which gave him a thrill up his leg. The Daily Beast reports that Trump has also been having secret lovechats with Sean Hannity, who wants nothing more than a dumb Devin Nunes memo for Valentine's Day. Maybe Hannity and Trump can enjoy it together in a heart-shaped bubble bath!
The reason we know the memo will be a "Devin special" is because the entire thing is built on the premise that the FBI somehow improperly used information from THE DODGY DOSSIER to get a FISA warrant on Trump Russian intelligence asset idiot Carter Page, a guy the FBI has been watching forfuckingever, because he's the dumbest little Russian intelligence asset in the whole wide world.
On Thursday night, Rachel Maddow traced the history of Carter Page, from all the way back in 2013 when he was recruited by Russian spies the very first time. (Those Russian spies thought Page was DUMB.) She noted that the current FISA warrant on Page was requested and granted by the FISA court back in 2016, before the election. FISA warrants have to be renewed every 90 days, which means the government has to keep going back to prove that yes, the wire tapp inside this guy's bottom is yielding good information, and this guy is definitely still worth watching. Therefore, the "improper" FISA warrant THE DODGY MEMO can't stop whining about was actually either the third or fourth renewal. That is what Devin Nunes wants you to view as ESCANDALO!
Here, watch your Rachel:
So that is where we are. We are waiting for Donald Trump to send the memo back to Devin Nunes (should be easy, since Devin Nunes lives inside Trump's butt) so the thing can be released, against the advice of the FBI, the DOJ, Director of National Intelligence Dan Coats, GOP Senator John Thune, and also all other normal people. Once the memo is released, America will for sure be convinced that Trump is good and smart and has man-sized hands, whereas the FBI is bad and gross and terrible. Moreover, America will come to the conclusion that NO COLLUSION, NO COLLUSION, everybody says there was no collusion, and that this "Trump-Rusher" thing is just a great big hoax.
Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter RIGHT HERE.