Nation's Idiots Rush To Explain Why Florida School Massacre Isn't About Guns
Probably it was the gays. Or abortion. Or gaybortion wedding cakes. Probably those.
In a show of national unity following the massacre at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School in Florida, the only place Republican elected officials were willing to show up on TV Thursday morning was "Fox & Friends." (No, we're not counting the all-cable coverage of Donald Trump's very sincerely-enunciated teleprompter speech, which we're certain was comforting to sheets of plywood and lumber of all sizes.) Not a single Republican officeholder appeared on MSNBC or CNN morning programs, to say nothing of the three broadcast networks' morning shows.
But you could find Florida Gov. Rick Scott in the safe space of "Fox & Friends," as well as Senators Marco Rubio and Ted Cruz, all of whom agreed the real problem was "evil" and also Democrats who dare to "politicize" how America has been flooded with guns (thanks to Republicans who follow the NRA's instructions. Apolitically). CNN host Chris Cuomo said elected Republicans "wouldn’t even come on the damn show" to discuss the shooting, but we bet if CNN bookers had tried a little harder they could have scraped up some Republican willing to demand the high school be renamed, since Marjory Stoneman Douglas was a commie environmentalist who cared more about the stupid old Everglades than profits.
Since Wednesday's events, the Rightosphere has reacted according to its familiar script: nothing could possibly have stopped this (except maybe more guns), it's too soon to talk about guns, and you know what's really great about America? Guns!
On Dead Breitbart's Zombie Radio For People Who Aren't Content With Text-Based Rage, Gun Expert AWR Hawkins (those are initials but also the noise he makes) explained there's just no way to prevent someone from shooting a bunch of people with a semiautomatic rifle, no way in the world:
I’ve watched and listened to the calls for gun control already and I’ve listened to those things and you take what you describe, and you take this scenario, and you have a student who had already been expelled so he’s not to be near the school or anything. I can’t think of a gun control law that would have stopped this, and I’ve really tried to think of that today.
I’m thinking, "What’s one law, if not one law that would have stopped it, one law that would have even lessened the chance that it could happen?" and there’s simply not one. And people have to understand that.
Hawkins said we should probably be sad about it, which was awfully generous. Apparently, it's simply impossible to ban any kind of death machine, or to limit magazine capacity, and that's just an immutable fact of the universe.
The Stupidest Washington Correspondent on the Internet, Gateway Pundit's Lucian Winterich, took to the Tweeters with a fake BuzzFeed headline that was actually a 4chan hoax. Wintrich deleted it, but not before BuzzFeed deputy news director Jon Passantino got a screenshot:
Ohhhh, and why do we believe Passantino's screenshot? It could be fake, too! Biased liberal media biasers just all stick together!!! That, and the perfectly shitty "explanation" Wintrich posted, which is still up:
He didn't glance at BuzzFeed because all the libs on Twitter say that, so why not attribute it to BuzzFeed, too? Man knows his Gateway Pundit Ethics Guide, that's for damn sure. Besides, it's perfectly fine because BuzzFeed is SO racist against whites (doesn't Wintrich know rightwingers aren't supposed to claim they're oppressed?):
That is just some really good "proof" of BuzzFeed's "anti-white" bias right there.
Anyway, excuse Lucian Wintrich, Stupidest White House Correspondent Etc., if he simply thought BuzzFeed was being exactly like the Hate Whitey version of the Daily Stormer again:
Over on Fox News just hours after the shooting, Laura Ingraham, wearing her Ash Wednesday Mark of the Best, took a serious look at the favorite weapon of mass shooters, the AR-15, and "what makes it so popular and, overwhelmingly, what makes it so safe." She has a great point about safety -- the Florida shooter's firearm didn't blow up in his face at all, and only sent many, many high-speed rounds through the bodies of those he aimed it at, just as it was designed to do.
It’s like all weapons. It’s very dangerous in the hands of the wrong person. And if you’re not trained, and if you have a criminal disposition, a violent disposition, it can be turned into a killing machine. But Chris Murphy wants to make this tonight all about the weapons.
Her guest, "security and counterterror expert" Aaron Cohen, explained that a mere US congressman is utterly incompetent to speak about the type of .223 caliber semiautomatic rifle that was used by a very sick person to murder 20 children and 6 adults at Sandy Hook Elementary, because all Murphy ever did was meet with the families of the dead children and hear them crying, the big amateur:
Well Chris Murphy, Laura, isn't really qualified to A, assess threat, and B, he's not qualified to manage risk. This is a security issue. It’s not a weapon issue.
[wonkbar]<a href="http://www.wonkette.com/481357/pat-robertson-dont-touch-that-orphan-you-dont-know-where-its-been"></a>[/wonkbar]He has a point: the AR-15 knockoff performed exactly as designed. Cohen went on to wonder, "That kid had parents. Where’s the parents?" Actually, we know that one: his adoptive father died when he was very young, and his mother died last year. Shame on them! Get ready for some genius to explain that adoption is at fault here, since, as Pat Robertson pointed out a long time ago, you never know what kind of fucked-up kid you'll get.
Then there was Alex Jones, who, as the massacre was being reported Wednesday, suggested there might not have been a tragic event in Florida in the first place because you know how those Democrats are with all their false flags:
The left keeps saying "If you expose us on the memo, there'll be big massacres blamed on you." They're basically blaming Oklahoma Cities [??????], they covered up the Islamic connections to Vegas...
Your guess is as good as ours. After some blather from cohost Roger Stone about the imminent end of the 2nd Amendment, and discussion of how the Las Vegas shooter was under mind control, as we all know now, Jones got to the mandatory False Flag talk:
The Democrats have been caught in false flags before. I'm not saying this is a false flag, but they've been talking about massacres and things if people don’t leave them alone, and release the memo. So, if there are massacres -- and they keep threatening massacres -- that makes them suspects when they’ve been threatening massacres. And who what mentally ill person they’ve wound up or what’s happening, or was this gang related. We don’t know. The media will say that I said it’s a false flag and the Democrats did it. I did not say that. We’re simply questioning the long history that these folks have.
It tells you something about how numb we've all gotten that even Alex Jones's conspiratorial rants have started sounding rote. To save time and trouble, he may as well just declare ahead of time that the next mass shooting will be fake -- or at least ask the difficult question, as one does.
Let's close with a reminder that not everyone is terrible. HuffPost writer Ashley Feinberg collected a few tweets from Douglas High students (we checked; they all mention the school in their timelines well before Wednesday) who had some choice words for Donald Trump and Fox News gunharpy Tomi Lahren:
"Sarah," the author of the first of those tweets, offered a partial apology yesterday -- not for getting mad at the "president" but for being unmannerly:
You'll be glad to know that virtually all the replies we saw (no, we didn't attempt to review all 1,100+ of them) told "Sarah," again and again, that she had nothing to apologize for. And quite a few added that our lawmakers need to apologize to her and her classmates for making efficient murder weapons so readily available. Just a few samples:
That's a thousand strangers reaching out to tell a teenaged girl that her anger is valid, that yelling at a phony is not just understandable, but absolutely right. It's enough to give you a bit of hope that the current madness can be turned around.
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