Nation's Idiots Rush To Explain Why Florida School Massacre Isn't About Guns
Probably it was the gays. Or abortion. Or gaybortion wedding cakes. Probably those.
In a show of national unity following the massacre at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School in Florida, the only place Republican elected officials were willing to show up on TV Thursday morning was "Fox & Friends." (No, we're not counting the all-cable coverage of Donald Trump's very sincerely-enunciated teleprompter speech, which we're certain was comforting to sheets of plywood and lumber of all sizes.) Not a single Republican officeholder appeared on MSNBC or CNN morning programs, to say nothing of the three broadcast networks' morning shows.
But you could find Florida Gov. Rick Scott in the safe space of "Fox & Friends," as well as Senators Marco Rubio and Ted Cruz, all of whom agreed the real problem was "evil" and also Democrats who dare to "politicize" how America has been flooded with guns (thanks to Republicans who follow the NRA's instructions. Apolitically). CNN host Chris Cuomo said elected Republicans "wouldn’t even come on the damn show" to discuss the shooting, but we bet if CNN bookers had tried a little harder they could have scraped up some Republican willing to demand the high school be renamed, since Marjory Stoneman Douglas was a commie environmentalist who cared more about the stupid old Everglades than profits.
Since Wednesday's events, the Rightosphere has reacted according to its familiar script: nothing could possibly have stopped this (except maybe more guns), it's too soon to talk about guns, and you know what's really great about America? Guns!
On Dead Breitbart's Zombie Radio For People Who Aren't Content With Text-Based Rage, Gun Expert AWR Hawkins (those are initials but also the noise he makes) explained there's just no way to prevent someone from shooting a bunch of people with a semiautomatic rifle, no way in the world:
It’s like all weapons. It’s very dangerous in the hands of the wrong person. And if you’re not trained, and if you have a criminal disposition, a violent disposition, it can be turned into a killing machine. But Chris Murphy wants to make this tonight all about the weapons.
Her guest, "security and counterterror expert" Aaron Cohen, explained that a mere US congressman is utterly incompetent to speak about the type of .223 caliber semiautomatic rifle that was used by a very sick person to murder 20 children and 6 adults at Sandy Hook Elementary, because all Murphy ever did was meet with the families of the dead children and hear them crying, the big amateur:
Well Chris Murphy, Laura, isn't really qualified to A, assess threat, and B, he's not qualified to manage risk. This is a security issue. It’s not a weapon issue.
[wonkbar]<a href="http://www.wonkette.com/481357/pat-robertson-dont-touch-that-orphan-you-dont-know-where-its-been"></a>[/wonkbar]He has a point: the AR-15 knockoff performed exactly as designed. Cohen went on to wonder, "That kid had parents. Where’s the parents?" Actually, we know that one: his adoptive father died when he was very young, and his mother died last year. Shame on them! Get ready for some genius to explain that adoption is at fault here, since, as Pat Robertson pointed out a long time ago, you never know what kind of fucked-up kid you'll get.
Then there was Alex Jones, who, as the massacre was being reported Wednesday, suggested there might not have been a tragic event in Florida in the first place because you know how those Democrats are with all their false flags:
Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.