Never Mind Jake, It's Crazytown. Your Wonkagenda For Fri., May 12, 2017
Morning Wonketariat! HOOOO BOY, here's where we are this morning!
Just let that sink in for a moment. Now here's some of the things we may be talking about today.
- Trump gave an interview to NBC's Lester Holt where he admitted that he "You're Fired" James Comey for distracting the reality teevee news people with this whole Russian pee hooker thing, and showing off to cameras with his big, beautiful, non-partisan wiretapping hands.
- Just after the inauguration, Trump invited James Comey over for burnt steaks and ketchup and asked for his loyalty like some kind of mafioso, but Comey only pledged his "honesty."[Infographic]
- Trump signed an E.O. to study voter fraud and suppression so he's paired up Mike Pence and Kansas Secretary of State Kris Kobach to find all the women and minorities who are voting
- Trump signed ANOTHER executive order on cyber security which swears that, after some nerds do their homework, it will consider paying some other nerds to make a plan for modernizing and securing U.S. government IT infrastructure sometime, possibly, at a late date yet to be determined.
- Jeff Sessions is ordering the Justice Department to charge non-violent drug offenders with the most serious offenses, which makes sense seeing as how all the hillbilly heroin addicts in Middle America all lean to the right in their politics just like the lines at drug stores.
- Acting FBI Director Andy McCabe is getting mixed signals from Capitol Hill and throughout the FBI since he started skating the razor edge of partisan politics in the last few months.
- Trump canceled a pep-talk at the J Edgar Hoover Building to a demoralized FBI, which is probably a smart maneuver considering many FBI agents are changing their social media profile pictures to James Comey in memoriam.
- Robert Lighthizer is your new U.S. Trade Representative, and he's going to get all Price Is Right on China, and Let's Make a Deal on NAFTA.
- The White House is SUPER DUPER pissed it accidentally let a Russian state news photographer into the Oval Office to tweet out secret selfies and embarrass Trump during his meeting with Russian Foreign Minister Sergey Lavrov.
- LOOK OUT, SPICEY! Trump's been holding auditions while Sean Spicer has been away serving in his Naval Reserve regiment, leaving the Shuckster to spin out of control at the podium in the Brady room.
- In a desperate attempt to stretch his 15 minutes of fame and be as equally self-destructive as his father, Donald Trump Jr. is trying to dig up Vince Foster (again).
- The Navy has a fancy new system to fling aircraft into the sky which requires less maintenance, but it's too confusing to Trump, who thinks the Navy should go back to "goddamn steam." How quaint!
- Republicans are just spouting bullshit in town halls when asked about their TrumpCare/WealthCare votes causing some to wonder whether or not they have read the damn bill.
- Ted Cruz is being saddled with TrumpCare in the Senate, which is a brilliant maneuver if you're a devious person who likes to trick the village idiot into pouring gasoline onto the town tire fire.
- Oklahoma state Rep. Mike Ritze thinks that he can save his state $900 million Ameros by rounding up 82,000 non-English speaking public school students and then "turn them over to ICE to see if they truly are citizens."
- The small business group suing Trump for violating the emoluments clause of the Constitution just added a new name to its ranks with Eric Goode, part-owner of some boutique hotels and restaurants in Manhattan who alleges Trump's businesses are creating an unfair marketplace.
- Federal workers won a temporary victory in the fight to keep their jobs without fear of political house cleaning after the U.S. Court of Appeals for the Federal Circuit ruled VA senior executives can appeal their removal to the Merit Systems Protection Board, at least until Congress kills the MSPB.
- Sears is blaming the media for its years of financial trouble after it reported on their shitty business decisions and gimmicks.
- Mika was bringing the heat on MoJoe this morning when she called Kellyanne Conway's teevee appearance "politics porn," and asked CNN to stop putting her on the air to lie (badly).
- And here's your late night wrap-up! Stephen Colbert was ever so grateful to be trending on Twitter; Seth Meyers took A Closer Look at ch-ch-changes to the Comey story; The Daily Show pointed out that the Russians were literally laughing at Trump's incompetence; and Jimmy Kimmelmade an all-purpose commencement speech for Trump.
- And here's your morning Nice Time! MORE FIONA! She's getting so big!
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