New Orleans Kills Confederate Traitors All Over Again

Bye, fucker!

[contextly_sidebar id="JCugiSyxF5WusznSpKuNyZCyQ6fkdUo2"]Ever since the horrific murders in Charleston, South Carolina, of nine black churchgoers by a young radicalized white supremacist named Dylann Roof, civilized places throughout the great American South have been looking at their Confederate relics and deciding them's ugly and dumb. And offensive to people. They're taking up space, where Nice Things could be. Why commemorate sad traitorous losers, when you could have a falafel cart or something? Of course, the fight is LONG from over, because of white people who say things like, "It's not heritage, it's hate, oh wait, we said that backward! Anyway, Robert E. Lee was my grandfather's mother's slave's lover and he deserves a statue!" But New Orleans has made some major progress:

The New Orleans City Council has voted in favor of removing prominent Confederate monuments along some of its busiest streets – a sweeping move by a city seeking to break with its Confederate past.

The council’s 6-1 vote on Thursday afternoon allows the city to remove four monuments, including a towering statue of Confederate Gen. Robert E. Lee that has stood at the center of a traffic circle for 131 years.

Bye, Robert E. Lee! Maybe we can melt you down to make some nice jewelry for tourists or something. "Dead Fucking Loser Bracelets" has a nice ring to it! Other pathetic Confederate traitors getting posthumously punched in the dick are confederate president Jefferson Davis and "local hero, Pierre Gustave Toutant Beauregard, who straddles a prancing horse at the entrance to City Park." Oh, and there's this weird obelisk-type thing that isn't a Civil War monument at all, but rather a simple nod to the days of white supremacy, or as some entirely expendable Southerners call it, "the Good Old Days."

[contextly_sidebar id="7zw84UrxUAmR1ALcm5xvL2vNnpaZshqo"]The statues are going away now, and outgoing Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal must be so mad! Back when he was "running for president" (LOL), Jindal tried to stick his dumbass nose in where it didn't belong, telling New Orleans Mayor Mitch Landrieu and the city council that, due to his family's longstanding ties to the white confederate South, it would be super unfair to slander His People by sledgehammering these pathetic monuments and throwing them in the Mississippi River. Haha just kidding, Bobby Jindal didn't say it quite that way. Trivia for you: Bobby wouldn't tell you this, but he's not a white racist at all. He is a hyphenated Indian-American racist, whose family hails from "India," which is (science fact!) not a Louisiana parish on the other side of Lake Pontchartrain. Shhhhh.

[contextly_sidebar id="QUo8emPT6GUZA1pi3qNyHN4GGK9NX3GR"]So that's four monuments down, eleventy-million more to go, since it's hard to helicopter your dick in these parts without it slamming into some ugly reminder of the Confederacy. Memphis's city council voted in July to dig up the trashy bones of Confederate Major General Nathan Bedford Forrest and remove his accompanying big-ass statue from the city's thriving medical district but, surprise, that hasn't happened yet, partly because nobody wants to take that shit off the city's hands.

And of course, there's that OTHER Forrest statue, off I-65 near Nashville, the one historians call the only accurate rendering of a Confederate "hero" (they don't call it that, yr Wonkette is funning around):

You can see why America won that particular war.

And for the sake of historical accuracy, he just might have to stay where he is, to show all of the world just how fucking dumb the Confederacy really was.

[News & Observer]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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