New York Cops Fix PR Issues By Framing Innocent Shake Shack Milkshakes
Last week, three Officer Friendlys from the New York City Police Department stopped at a local Shake Shack for a mid-shift frosted beverage. The female cop had a strawberry shake, and her male colleagues had a cherry and a vanilla shake. Just one of those cops had any taste (vanilla is the only rational choice), but that's beside the point. After a single sip of their shakes, they clutched their throats, cried out, “CORN NUTS!" and crashed face first into conveniently placed glass tables.
No, wait, sorry, that's how Heather Chandler died in Heathers.
What actually happened is the cops didn't like how their shakes smelled or tasted. They tossed them in the trash and informed the manager, who apologized and gave them free food and drink vouchers because blue lives matter. It should've ended there, but after hearing about the incident, their sergeant calmly and professionally freaked the fuck out.
The Emergency Service Unit (!) set up a crime scene at the Shake Shack. The cops were rushed to Bellevue Hospital — please note that there's still a pandemic going on and doctors don't have time to treat hysterical tummy aches. The media accepted and publicized the claim that the milkshakes "sickened" the cops, but there's no evidence they were ever unwell. The officers were examined and released because nothing was wrong with them. There was no "Criminal Minds" unsub on staff at Shake Shack, who just hands out free food and drink vouchers instead of actually killing anyone. That's a dull episode.
Homer kills Apu & Moeyoutu.be
This would've just been mildly pathetic, but according to Monday's New York Post, misinformation was knowingly escalated and spread to the public. A Bronx lieutenant sent an email to the police unions claiming "six cops started throwing up after drinking beverages they got from shake shack on 200 Broadway." (The three officers had no symptoms.) The police are supposed to investigate crimes not play games of telephone.
Just three hours after the cops picked up their milkshakes, the Detectives Endowment Association had accused "one or more workers at the Shake Shack" of intentionally poisoning police officers. These are the same people who demand the public not jump to conclusions when a video is released of cops flamenco dancing on a legless black man's spine.
Police Benevolent Association President Pat Lynch, one of the worst people alive who's not Rudy Giuliani, declared that police officers came "under attack" from a "toxic substance, believed to be bleach." This is like saying someone who spilled water on cops was trying to drown them. The cops ordered their shakes through Shake Shack's mobile app. No one knew the orders were for cops, and there was no way to Tylenol-murder them when they picked up their drinks.
Early the next morning, Chief of Detectives Rodney Harrison broke the Shake Shack Serial Killings case wide open.
After a thorough investigation by the NYPD’s Manhattan South investigators, it has been determined that there was n… https://t.co/aZJZUIR0RD— Chief Rodney Harrison (@Chief Rodney Harrison) 1592294531.0
There was no “thorough investigation." There was never the slightest evidence of a crime. Restaurants legitimately food poison people every day, and it's usually just a health code violation and not attempted murder. This wasn't even bad tuna salad from a sketchy deli. According to sources, the milkshake-making machine was recently cleaned and “still contained residual milkstone remover — a typically acidic solution used to combat buildup in dairy equipment." It wasn't Drano.
It baffles the mind how paranoid cops become whenever there are protests against police brutality. Just politely asking that police not choke out handcuffed men, beat up the elderly, or break a woman's collarbone makes them believe they aren't appreciated and the world is out to get them. They wouldn't last a year as a public school teacher.
This collective NYPD freakout resulted in a #BoycottShakeShack hashtag that the gullible were still tweeting on Sunday. Shake Shack should rightly sue the police for damages, but you know ... qualified immunity has its privileges.
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Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He writes make believe for Cafe Nordo, an immersive theatre space in Seattle. Once, he wrote a novel called “Mahogany Slade,” which you should read or at least buy. He's also on the board of the Portland Playhouse theatre. His son describes him as a “play typer guy."