New York, Meet Your New Governor!

Welcome to our harvest of pain!New York's Lieutenant Governor, David Paterson, will take over for Eliot Spitzer as of Monday and retain the post until he is discovered by the FBI in the walk-in freezer of the Albany IHOP, trussed and ball-gagged by a hooker in a Batman suit. Paterson, a scion of his father's Harlem political machine, has fluked his way upward into increasingly important posts, despite dad's occasional lack of support. Now he is the luckiest man in New York (except for Joe Bruno). Follow us on Paterson's magical journey through the halls of New York power!

  • Got an eye infection when he was three, rendering him legally blind.
  • Served in the New York State Senate for a million years.
  • Ran for public advocate and Manhattan borough president and lost.
  • Lied about wanting to run for Senate Minority leader.
  • Ran (unsupported by father Basil) for Lieutenant Governor, which is the boringest position ever invented in the New York state government.
  • Supports Hillary Clinton, who assured Steve Kroft that Paterson was legally blind "as far as she knew."
  • And now he is New York's first black governor, because Elliot Ness couldn't keep his hands off the concubines he professed to loathe.

Next: David Paterson, Harlem-Bred Reformer [New York Observer]


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