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We remember virtually nothing about the sequel.


After all the interminable buildup, the New York primaries finally arrived, and boy, howdy, what a passel of excitement they brought! The polls closed, and then MSNBC declared the Democratic race too early to call. Eventually, Hillary Clinton somehow managed to pull off the victory the polls had predicted, but worse, and now it's time for all of us to be as kind as we can to our Bernie pals in their time of need. Hold their hands, agree it's too bad how Hillary went back in time to 1909 and rigged the system, and then if they start delegitimizing her because St Birdie lost to a girl, hold their hands and remind them that they are a living organism on this planet, and they're very safe. If they have beer, help them drink it. Maybe put on some Allman Brothers.

Just mellow out the best you can, okay?

On the R-rated side of things, Donald Trump managed the win that was his by birthright, even though he recalled helping to clear rubble from Pearl Harbor right after the tragedy of 7/11. Thanks to a state party apparatus stuffed to the gills with Trump supporters, it doesn't even look like he'll manage to piss away his delegates when the R's have their district and state conventions in May. Lucky Trump! This time, the system is rigged in his favor. If he gets better than 50% in any district, he gets that district's three delegates. (PROCESS EXCITEMENT!) This time he won, and nobody's even likely to rob him of his delegates because he has or is the biggest dick. He thinks.

And then Trump took the stage, and gave the yoogest, classiest victory speech. He thanked his "team of unity," which is Trumpese for "Lewandowski's still got a job but no power." Donald is ready to wrap up the nomination, and America will start winning again. It was arguably the most boring Trump speech so far, boring enough that MSNBC broke into it to announce they were projecting Clinton had won the primary. We'd report that on his way out of the venue, Trump celebrated by kicking a refugee, but that turned out not to have literally happened.

Also: John Kasich ate his way into second place, by occasionally saying he wasn't Ted Cruz.

[CNN / CBS / CNN again]

Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.

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