New York Times Introduces Us To Dumbest F*cking Gay People In America
It's been over two years since Donald Trump was barely "elected" president thanks to Russia and our lovable-and-quirky Electoral College, and THANK GOD, the New York Times is still committed to introducing us to every goddamned fucking Trump supporter in America.
But unfortunately, the NYT (with reacharounds from Politico and every other piece of crap out there) seems to have run out of roadkill diners and Alabama hootenanny Jesus revival cousin swaps to use as backdrops for their Cletus safaris, so unfortunately it is just back in Manhattan. Specifically, NYT found the dumbest fucking people in Manhattan.
Meet Bill 'n' Bryan!
They are of the homosexual gay variety, much like ourselves. But unlike ourselves, they are absolute morons whose only "belief system," such as it is, seems to be sucking up to power, wherever that power may be, no matter who's wielding it, and regardless of how they are wielding it and/or how many toddlers get tear-gassed at the border as a consequence.
Bill 'n' Bryan have last names, and they are "White" and "Eure," respectively.
Bill 'n' Bryan have Eric Trump's phone number.
Bill 'n' Bryan have Donald Trump Jr.'s phone number.
No word on whether they have Ivanka Trump's phone number, but GURL we bet they want it.
Bill 'n' Bryan used to have nice liberal friends like Aretha Franklin (RIP) and Barbara Walters -- Aretha sang at their wedding! -- but now they swap loofah stories with Bill O'Reilly, ooh we bet you are jealous now.
Bill 'n' Bryan were big Obama and Hillary supporters, but then everything changed on election night when Bill had A EPIPHANY. You see, he was at the Hillary party and everybody was sad and depressed, but Bill was like "OK I just came here to dance?" so he went to the Trump party and got his grind on listening to "God Bless The USA," and that is the story of that.
No really, Bill left because everybody at the Hillary party was sad and he just didn't think it was #BeBest to be part of that "misery pie" (his words). He went across town and jumped in that Yeti Pubes Pie instead.
Bill is shallow as fuck.
Bill 'n' Bryan say their (former) gay friends are mean to them and act like they're quisling shitheads (NARRATOR: they are), just because they enthusiastically support a man who's openly hostile to LGBT issues, whose vice president very obviously wants to be the first inaugurated president of Gilead, and whose administration has fucked over LGBT people from the beginning -- from the attempted transgender military ban to the "religious freedom" horseshit to the Brett Kavanaugh to the Neil Gorsuch, all the way to their recent unconscionable decision to deny visas to same-sex partners of foreign diplomats if they're not married, despite how lots of them come from countries where that's banned.
Recently, one of Bill 'n' Bryan's (former) gay friends, who is also the speaker of the New York City Council, called them total fucking dipshits to their faces at their own apartment. His name is Corey Johnson, and we are now his number one fan.
Bill 'n' Bryan don't care about any of that, because they are clearly white assholes who've got theirs, therefore fuck the rest of y'all. (Did we mention they live in a sexy place in Chelsea and have MANY DOLLARS?) Also Bryan doesn't "like identity politics."
Bill thinks Trump isn't racist because of "black unemployment numbers," because apparently his brain is broken like Trump's brain, which also thinks if black unemployment is down, Trump cannot possibly be racist.
Bill 'n' Bryan met on AOL.
No, we don't know which gay chatroom it was, all we know is they fell in love, awwwwwww, two shitheads in love.
Bill 'n' Bryan don't even think Donald Trump is a liar. "Embellishing" is what Trump does, according to Bryan.
Bryan has actually been a Republican dickhead this whole time, so this post is more about Bill's problems, TBH.
Bill 'n' Bryan bought a place in Atlanta's Buckhead neighborhood to get away from the libs, SHHHHH DON'T NOBODY TELL THEM ATLANTA IS LIBERAL AS FUCK.
But for real they had to get away, because did you hear about the time Bill saw Chelsea Clinton in New York this very year and Chelsea didn't even talk to him? (Maybe she had heard about Bill's little lifestyle change.) Bill knew what to do, though, and it was to call Donald Trump Jr. and talk to him on the phone because you know what's a real "cool guy" thing to do? Call this guy.
Bill 'n' Bryan actually threw a party at their house in honor of the fact that Junior had just left his wife and had officially commenced to humping Kimberly Guilfoyle. Hand to God, the NYT says that.
OH BUT LISTEN Bryan says their tribulations don't end there, because he and Bill walked uphill both ways in the snow in their buddy's helicopter to see Hillary at the DNC in Philadelphia, and a staffer wouldn't even let them talk to her. We guess two queens shrieking "DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?!" incessantly was not well received.
This is why Bill 'n' Bryan support Trump now.
Bryan thinks his dad is just like Trump because his dad is "a chicken and soybean farmer who put himself through college," which is just like Trump, who was born on top of a pile of golden shit nuggets, which his dad fed to him to bail him out for decades hence, every single time poor Donald fucked up again. (And a hell of a lot of it was fraud.)
Bill thinks he is just like Donald Trump because Bill has been under investigation before too! He even had to pay a settlement out of court! Like Trump!
Bill "still winces when he speaks of the pillorying that followed." Oh, the pillorying.
Mmhmm, sure, we bet.
Anyway, we have established that Bill 'n' Bryan are the dumbest fucking gays in America and we are done writing this post now.
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