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News Round-Up: My Heart is an Occupied Territory

ann_coulter_loveletter.jpgSamuel Alito's slated to be confirmed by the Senate to a seat on the Supreme Court next week, barring some astoundingly unforeseen news that would bar his judicial ascendancy.


Jack Abramoff? Bipartisan scandals? Old news for old people.

The State of the Union? It's yet to be stated.

Tom DeLay, Bob Ney, and the lies they say? Out of play.

No, the only issue that has really taken hold of our nation's capital is this: my one, true partisan political passion for a certain rightwing hottie.

Michelle Malkin. That's her over there on the right. So luscious, her lingering gaze...the ways in which her lanky blond hair falls across her shoulders as she tosses her readers a "come hither" glance. And her linguistic skills!

When she rips into the ACLU, as she does on her website today, Ms. Malkin's smoldering prose knows no bounds. It's as though she's ripping open her bodice, unveiling her pert, middle-aged breasts...enticing me to nuzzle my constitutionally-disinclined head between her heaving bosom.

I love her. Her quizzical smile as she strokes my arm, longing for me to pop the question. She wonders to herself, "When will this beautful boy ask me? Ask me, already..." That's it, the big question.

"Michelle, leave your husband, leave him be. Marry me," I proffer.

And tears pour forth from her eyes. Never before have we clutched one another with such intensity.

We're totally going to honeymoon in post-tsunami-ravaged Bali.

UPDATE: OK, I messed up again. My temporary site supervisor just IMed me to alert me to the fact that the woman with whom I am in love is not, in actuality, Michelle Malkin, but Ann Coulter. Apparently, Michelle Malkin is of Asian descent. Totally not my type. Those people, I mean. Japanese, Chinese, Hawaiian, whatever...I don't discriminate in my dislike.

But to further lighten my mood after this confusion, I did however learn from several helpful tipsters that Miss Ann Coulter (she of the blond locks) is, in fact, quite single! So the matter still stands, love...Marry me!

(Though I also learned that Bali has Asian people living there, so me and my blond darling probably won't be honeymooning there. Sorry, Balinese people!)

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