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On Monday, Dec. 14, 2020, Donald Trump lost to Joe Biden. Again. For like the 85,000th day in a row. The Electoral College met, and surprise, all the electors acknowledged the reality of what happened in their states, and when the votes were tallied, Biden had won in an electoral landslide, 306 to 232, and we know that's a landslide because Donald Trump has told us that 306-232 is a landslide many, many times.

Sure, he got up this morning whining about imaginary fraud and retweeting batshit lawyer Lin Wood saying that Georgia GOP Gov. Brian Kemp and GOP Secretary of State Brad Raffensperger are GOING TO JAIL. No, really:

But it's over. Again. For real this time. Just like it was real all the other times. Because Donald Trump came out of his mother's womb a loser, he has lived his life as a loser, and whenever his scaly body expires, he will have died a loser. (One of the most physically unattractive losers ever to live, too. Sad.)

One way we know that the sands really are starting to shift, besides how a bunch of Republican senators (even Mitch McConnell just now!) are finally like OK fine, we guess we had an election and Trump lost, is that two of Trump's most dedicated benefactors have now, in the last 24 hours, acknowledged that Donald Trump is a loser.


First, we have Newsmax, one of the two networks Trump has been pushing people toward because Fox News has hurt his feelings by occasionally telling the truth, and by being one of the first networks to call Arizona, which Trump lost, for Biden, who won it. Yesterday, while the Electoral College was doing its thing, Newsmax anchor John Bachman said a very big cuss, and he said it twice: He called Joe Biden "President-elect Biden."

"The electoral college votes are being cast today, here is video from four states, New York, New Hampshire, Arizona, and Illinois, all certifying the election for President-elect Joe Biden," Bachman stated, on Monday afternoon.

Moments later, Bachman referred to Biden as president-elect for a second time — confirming there had been no mistake.

It happened, it really happened, and you can watch it here. That is not a thing Newsmax has been saying. Newsmax specifically said it would be denying reality and refusing to call Biden the president-elect. It was intentional. It was also significant because Newsmax is run by Chris Ruddy, who is close to Trump, or at least as close as any person can be to a president who has no verifiable human soul and therefore is not capable of "friendship." If Ruddy has sent down the message that we are calling Biden the winner and Trump the loser, he's sending a signal, and that signal is that it's over dude, pack your shit and G-O.

So we guess Trump will start hate-tweeting at Newsmax at some point today, hopefully maybe, and decide that One America "News" Network (OANN) is the only thing worth watching.

So that's the first one. The second of Trump's loving benefactors to have officially decided Donald Trump is a stinky hairy loser from Losertown is ... oh no! It can't be ... is it true?

That's right. The tinpot dictator without whom Trump would never have become president in 2016, Vladimir Putin. We are sure Putin did something to attack the 2020 election, but whatever he did, it didn't work, because Trump is too big of a loser.

And Putin has acknowledged that, by finally calling President-elect Joe Biden today and saying congratulations and "please don't appoint HIllary Clinton to anything because I am A-SKEERED of her." (Factcheck, Putin did not say that last part, but we bet he thought it.)

"Vladimir Putin wished the President-elect every success and expressed confidence that Russia and the United States, which bear special responsibility for global security and stability, despite their differences can truly contribute to solving many problems and challenges that the world is currently facing," a Kremlin readout said on Tuesday.

Wank wank wank, don't care what that POS said. The point is that he did it.

And why? Because Donald Trump is officially cut off, abandoned, hung out to dry by the world leader whose approval he craves the most. Putin ain't about to cling to fever fantasies about Trump winning like it's a gun or a Bible or something. He's batshit, but he's not an idiot like Trump.

But sure, Donald. Keep crying into your Twitter hole. You're all alone, as you've always been, and as you will always be.

[Mediaite / CNN]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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