Newsmax Marine Greg Kelly Had Near Miss At The Daiye Spa
Newsmax host Greg Kelly has a day job selling rightwing baloney to ragey white people, and a side hustle where he's building a brand as "that weird guy on Twitter." His Twitter weirdness includes the expected frothy mix of rightwing reactions and culture war shit-stirring. But his weirdest content isn't necessarily all that political, even; it's just fucking weird.
There was that Marijuana the Devil's Weed tweet in March, for instance, in which Kelly claimed to have blacked out for days, this one time, long ago.
SMOKING WEED (aka GRASS) is NOT a good idea. I’ve tried it (back in the day) and it was WORSE than anything that h… https://t.co/jU44e2pWGz— Greg Kelly (@Greg Kelly)1617231505.0
And the less said about the (alleged) $1400 cargo pants he wore in a photo with Donald Trump, the better. As a public service, we'll only show you the pants portion of the pic, since many Wonkette readers may have forgotten what "pants" even look like.
Clearly a perfectly normal guy wearing perfectly normal designer pants for tactical schmoozing.
So it shouldn't have been too big a surprise yesterday when Kelly sent out a string of nonsense tweets, starting with a blurry photo of god-knows-what, a random letter jumble, and then the all-caps exclamation, "THEY'RE TAKING MY PHONE," which he certainly couldn't have typed if his phone were in fact taken, or in the act of being taken.
That was followed, a half hour later, with another tweet aimed at making his followers think he'd gone toe to toe with the Deep State and all its monstrous surveillance and liberty-thieving.
Everything is under control. There was an ATTEMPT to Seize my cellular telephone. That attempt has been DEALT WITH… https://t.co/KQ2QzB6ss1— Greg Kelly (@Greg Kelly)1622126929.0
Everything is under control. There was an ATTEMPT to Seize my cellular telephone. That attempt has been DEALT WITH. Let's just say they "Messed with the wrong MARINE." I will fill you ALL in on the details. I just need to make some "arrangements" first.
OMG, was the FBI trying to wiretap him? Did Kelly have to use his particular set of Marine Skills to neutralize the threat? What "arrangements" is he talking about?
As it happens, we were marveling yesterday in the Wonkette Sekrit ChatCave about Kelly's goofiness, including his amazing discovery a few days ago that Barack Obama and Lee Harvey Oswald "lived very close to each other on the Upper East Side of Manhattan" (like 20 years apart, since LHO was killed when BHO was two, so it's sort of the way Joe Biden "lives near" Abraham Lincoln).
Evan shared the "everything is under control" tweet, which at the time was an hour and a half old, and Liz posted this tweet from a couple weeks back, musing "It has to be a bit, right? There is no real person who tweets like this."
I had a “doctor’s appointment” today. WOW! The nurse had me get on the scale. WAY over 200 lbs. —-you can call me… https://t.co/M4nmrcnCrY— Greg Kelly (@Greg Kelly)1620669693.0
I had a "doctor's appointment" today. WOW! The nurse had me get on the scale. WAY over 200 lbs. —-you can call me "Chubsy Ubsy"—-no more "snacking" on Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwiches at night. I took a "before" pic —NOT PRETTY ! No More Fooling around, I mean BUSINESS !!
Quite sensibly, after deleting all my own Chubsy Ubsy tweets, I went to see if Kelly had posted any updates on the nefarious ghouls who tried to seize his cellular telephone, and as it happens, he had finally posted the denouement, after letting the drama ramp up for two hours. Turn's out Liz's discovery of the Operation Weight Loss tweet was very relevant indeed:
So I was checking in to a Fancy Spa (FAT CAMP) and the front desk TOOK my phone for the “Digital Detox”-but I didn’… https://t.co/GFmVABcaTk— Greg Kelly (@Greg Kelly)1622134181.0
So I was checking in to a Fancy Spa (FAT CAMP) and the front desk TOOK my phone for the "Digital Detox"-but I didn't sign up for THAT! I just wanted my Mango Massage and Netflix. BIG Argument! I left "Rancho Relaxo"—got a Suite at HARD ROCK CASINO. Party!(DIET postponed to '22)
There's a man who lives a life of danger. Everything he tweets gets even stranger.
No word yet on whether there was an actual body count at the day spa where they asked him to leave his phone at the desk, but we're glad the tactical extraction went well.
As it happens, the fresh weirdness also intrigued Washington Post columnist Philip Bump, who wasn't able to get any direct confirmation from Kelly that he's actually writing all this nutty poop (a call to Newsmax only ended up with Bump being transferred to the "subscriber assistance line for its magazine (which I didn't know it had)."
But after a thorough examination of the evidence, Bump concluded it all points to Kelly being responsible for his own weird tweets, including a comment Kelly made in a podcast interview: "Twitter actually, quite frankly, sometimes brings out the worst in me [...] And that's another — that's another conversation."
We'd also add that even if much of Kelly's Twitter act is a troll, it's definitely real; see also the fact that he proudly read one of his own tweets to Marjorie Taylor Greene during their also strange interview. Don't forget that under all that hilarious weirdness, there's still a genuine rightwing asshole.
And with that bit of nonsense, we leave you with an OPEN THREAD.
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Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.