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Newt Gingrich: My Affair Clarified Why I Needed To Impeach Clinton

News


When Newt Gingrich was getting non-wife blowjobs during Bill Clinton's blowjob hearings, he did so because his lust for the United States of America needed an outlet. But America should really have been thanking Newt Gingrich for having that affair. All the court proceedings he's had to go to for his divorces over the years taught Newt what it meant to lie under oath at one of those things, so he knew it (an opportunity to embarrass and score points against Clinton) when he saw it. And all this adultery expertise didn't cost the taxpayers any extra!

GINGRICH: No. Look, obviously it’s complex and obviously I wasn’t doing things to be proud of. On the other hand, what I said clearly — and I knew this in part going through a divorce. I had been in depositions. I had been in situations where you had to swear to tell the truth. I understood that in a federal court, in a case in front of a federal judge, to commit a felony, which is what he did, perjury was a felony. The question I raised was simple: should a president of the United States be above the law? [...]

WALLACE: I’ll ask you man-to-man. did you think to yourself I’m living in a really glass house? Maybe I shouldn’t be throwing stones?

GINGRICH: No. I thought to myself if I cannot do what I have to do as a public leader, I would have resigned.

Newt is pretty modest, but we're probably all of the opinion that he should be awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom for the brave sacrifice and consummate patriotism he showed in having sex with women who were not his wife. (And those mistresses should be given Purple Hearts for suffering what Newt did to them.) After all, impeaching Bill Clinton was necessary to protecting our country's—wait, no, there was no point to that. [Think Progress]

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Poor People Are Mad As Hell, And They're Not Going to Take It Anymore.

The Poor People's Campaign marched on Washington, and we were there!

Culture Wars
by Dominic Gwinn

Yesterday the new Poor People's Campaign, led by Rev. William Barber and Rev. Dr. Liz Theoharis, concluded 40 days of protest and civil disobedience with a rally on the National Mall. Building off of Rev. Martin Luther King Jr's original Poor People's Campaign 50 years ago, the new campaign is aimed at uniting labor leaders with activists to build a coalition of all marginalized people

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The police have clearly failed to stop the scourge of black kids selling water to thirsty people, so your average law-abiding, permit-respecting white lady has no choice but to take matters into her own (did we mention they were white?) hands. You might call her a busybody gone power mad or a simple tool of racist micoaggression, but we just call her "Permit Patty."

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