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We are breathing a sigh of relief, unless something really sucky happens before midnight tonight.

You see, tonight is the last night for candidates to qualify for the next Democratic debate, to be held in Houston on September 12. And as of this moment right now, only 10 candidates have qualified, which means that as per the rules, the debate will be One Night Only, Thank Loving Jesus In Heaven. Those candidates are: Joe Biden, Bernie Sanders, Elizabeth Warren, Kamala Harris, Pete Buttigieg, Cory Booker, Amy Klobuchar, Andrew Yang, Julián Castro and Beto O'Rourke.

AND NOBODY ELSE. Goodbye, everyone else!

Because, you see, if 11 candidates qualify, then ABC is going to turn the damn thing into another two-nighter from hell, and you know what ain't nobody got time for on the night after September 12, which is a FRIDAY NIGHT, when we personally already have plans for our big yearly neighborhood festival? That's right, A FUCKING STUPID DEBATE.

The two candidates who still had a shot (and still technically do, we guess, if they can before midnight come up with a total of four qualifying polls where they get two percent support) were Tulsi Gabbard and Tom Steyer. Both have hit the donor threshold (130,000 unique money-givers), but Steyer needs one more qualifying poll, and Tulsi Gabbard (yes, crazy-ass Tulsi Gabbard) needs two.

Politico has some details on what these candidates are lacking, besides viability and any other redeeming quality that would make us want to give up our Friday night so that we can help nurture their pipe dreams of one day being president:

The last five polls, which have all been conducted among Democratic voters nationally, show Steyer at 1 percent or not registering at all.

That includes two new, deadline-eve polls out on Wednesday morning, from Suffolk University/USA Today and Quinnipiac University — both of which showed Steyer at 0 percent. Of the other DNC-approved pollsters, none has publicly said it would release a qualifying poll prior to the 11:59 p.m. deadline Wednesday night. [...]

Rep. Tulsi Gabbard of Hawaii has also met the donor threshold, according to her campaign, but only earned 2 percent in two qualifying polls.

And OH, the humanity, and OH the whining about the DNC's rules, which, while obviously not perfect, all candidates knew going in. Gabbard released a statement on August 23 about how the DNC is #RIGGED, quoting Michael Tracey (yes, crazy-ass Michael Tracey), who has written much about how the DNC is #RIGGED. We are sure Tom Steyer is also whining somewhere, but we don't feel like Googling it.

The point is, unless something happens by midnight, we have escaped Two Nights Of Hell, at least until the October debate, which has the same qualifications as this one, and which could theoretically open the debate field back up beyond 10 candidates.

WONKETTE CALL TO ACTION: WHATEVER DARK GODS YOU BELIEVE IN, PRAY AT THEM WITHOUT CEASING BETWEEN NOW AND MIDNIGHT THAT NOTHING GOOD WILL HAPPEN FOR TULSI GABBARD OR TOM STEYER TONIGHT BESIDES PERHAPS HAVING A GOOD DINNER AND MAYBE WATCHING THEIR FAVORITE SHOW ON NETFLIX. JUST NOTHING GOOD RELATED TO DEBATES. PRAY THEY HAVE A NICE WALK AFTER DINNER WITH THEIR DOGS!

LOOK, TULSI GABBARD LIKES DOGS!

AWWWWWWWWWW!

In summary and in conclusion, that is a very good dog and we are not coming in on Friday night to cover a goddamned debate so don't even try, TOM AND TULSI, IF THAT IS EVEN YOUR REAL NAME.

The end. And OPEN THREAD.

[Politico]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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