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Next President Will Likely Be Member Of Leftist Cult

Do not trust these men farther than you can throw them with your non-dominant handUnless Mike Huckabee gets the miracle he and his supporters have been praying for, one thing is certain: the next president will be a sitting senator. And, if current voting trends continue to favor Barack Obama, one other thing is certain: the next president will be part of a small, elite, and decadent club of weirdos who can't use regular scissors.


We refer, of course, to left-handed people.

Both Barack Hussein Obama and elderly war hero John McCain are left-handed, and as such are members of America's last openly discriminated-against minorities. Hillary Clinton is right-handed, and thus doomed never to be president: a strange and disproportionate percentage of recent presidents have been southpaws, including her husband, George H.W. Bush, and Ronald Reagan.

America may wake up on January 21, 2009 to discover their doorknobs moved, can openers oriented upside down, and many other sorts of gruesome horrors perpetrated to accommodate our devil-handed next president.

Morning File: Another left-handed president? It's looking that way [Pittsburgh Post-Gazette]

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I wasn't ready for Koko the gorilla to die. She was just 46, so still young well past the upper age limit for a gorilla, but I'll miss her. She loved cats, told mildly amusing jokes, and put up with people, so she was a lot like your weird aunt.

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Donald Trump held one of his televised cabinet meetings today in which he railed about the terrible Democrats who forced the current border crisis (at a time when illegal border crossings are actually lower than usual). In what's sure to be his favorite phrase on Twitter for the next few days, Trump blamed "extremist open-border Democrats" for all the problems he brought on himself with his family separation policy, and explained that Democrats were simultaneously hurting illegal immigrants AND the rest of America by forcing Normal America to accept Central Americans who fled to the US. It made loads of sense! And then things got ... less so.

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