NH Primary Down To Donald Trump's Watermelon-Sized Balls, Ted Cruz's Vagina
In Manchester, New Hampshire, Monday night, Donald Trump continued an unbroken string of getting away with crap that would have sunk any other campaign in history, enthusiastically repeating a supporter's shout that Ted Cruz is a pussy for hesitating even slightly at reinstating torture as official U.S. policy. At this point we're morbidly wondering how 2016 will be handled in future montages of great moments in campaigning. You've got Reagan's "I paid for this microphone" and "there you go again"; Lloyd Bentsen's "Senator, you're no Jack Kennedy"; Barack Obama's "Yes We Can"; Old Handsome Joe Biden's "malarky"; and now Donald Trump's pretending to scold, and then proudly repeating, the woman who shouted, that Ted Cruz is a pussy.
"She said -- I never expect to hear that from you again! -- she said he’s a pussy. That’s terrible. Terrible!" Trump was just so pleased with himself.
As BuzzFeed's Rosie Gray decorously points out:
Trump has similarly in the past amplified derogatory comments while at the same time insisting that it’s not him who made the comment, or that he didn’t really mean it. The use of the term “pussy” represents an escalation in his rhetoric against Cruz, who beat him in Iowa, though Trump has been known to use profanity in public at times.
[contextly_sidebar id="JiRj8TqMxNxVZVh3tvYJd8vDQpzRQP9A"]He's a man of the people who says what he means, and is not politically correct, after all. And really, is there anything more pussified than failing to endorse torture? Only limp-wristed pansies and John McCain would ever suggest that torture is illegal, a "human rights violation" -- as if terrorists even have human rights -- or unlikely to produce useful intelligence. After all, it always works in "24." As always when the subject of interrogating terrorists comes up, we must once again recommend Matthew Alexander's How To Break a Terrorist, in which the former Air Force interrogator -- and apparent pussy -- details how he and other military intelligence officers used conventional interrogation methods to get information that led to the killing of al Qaeda in Iraq leader Abu Musab al-Zarqawi. On the other hand, "smart interrogation techniques" don't sound nearly as tough as torture, and the people who favor torture don't give two shits about getting useful intelligence anyway. They're happy simply to see some bad guys suffer because bad guys deserve to suffer. And if you don't support making bad guys suffer, you're clearly a pussy.
Mic's Elizabeth Plank managed to find the woman in the crowd who had shouted "He's a pussy," and she's everything you'd expect. The 52-year-old resident of Salem, New Hampshire, elected not to tell Plank her name or let herself be photographed, either because she still has on some level a sense of shame, or to protect from the evil liberals who would come after her, but said she was a "huge Trump supporter." She also shared some thoughts about Ted Cruz and what a total wuss he is:
"I watched the debate, and just comes across as a pussy," she told Mic on the floor of the Verizon Center. "He doesn't have the balls to stand up to Putin. He doesn't have the balls to stand up to other leaders of others countries."
And why does she trust Trump to make America torture again? Once more, it comes down to reproductive organs: "He's got the balls the size of watermelons, whereas the other ones got the balls of little grapes." No, of course she wasn't finished with the theme, and we are grateful to Plank for exhaustively documenting the woman's thoughts on the Republican field's giggleberries:
She then specified the size of other candidates' testicles. "The other one, Rubio, [has balls] like a raisin." When asked about the other candidates, she answered, "They're nobodies."
Ben Carson's testicles have already registered a complaint at being left out. Sadly, Plank was unable to elicit any thoughts from the woman on Hillary Clinton's or Bernie Sanders's organs of generation; knowing Donald Trump, he'll probably bring those important matters up at the next Republican debate. We just hope he'll stick to fruit comparisons.
[contextly_sidebar id="4N8FR0CZmIzCp1LzeE9B4AzQFvlMypgA"]It seems like an inevitable development, given that Trump has already shared his thoughts about Hillary Clinton and schlongs and expressed admiration of Vladimir Putin's testes. The New Hampshire woman isn't even the first to suggest that we now praise Trump's famous balls; that honor went to Fox commentator and suspected pee drinker Todd Starnes way back in July.
Trump defended the latest Trump Moment on MSNBC's "Morning Joe" program Tuesday morning, explaining that it was perfectly presidential since, after all, he was merely repeating a supporter's comment, and he was just joshin' around. Andrea Mitchell was given the thankless task of asking the short-fingered vulgarian about the incident: "What was going through your mind when that woman shouted a word out and you went with it?"
Trump didn't see why anyone would mind, especially since it was such a hugely popular comment: "We were all just having fun. It was a great moment," he said, adding that he got a standing ovation, which makes it a perfectly dignified presidential-caliber moment:
"I got a standing ovation, the place went wild. Somebody said mixed cheers. Let me tell you the place went wild," Trump said.
Besides, he really had no choice, he explained: He was "doing everybody a favor" by announcing "she said he's a pussy," since it was a big hall and "people couldn't hear it." Is it not the job of a president to serve as a human amplifier? He'd provide the same courtesy to hecklers if someone pointed that out to him, we're sure.
[contextly_sidebar id="LzHEkUfxs4bHgdqdCBBt3ycldjYGjnjZ"]Trump clarified that he would never ever use a word like that (except for that one time he told Tucker Carlson about all the pussy he got). He's too classy a guy. But what could he do?
"It wasn't overly bad. And I have to tell you that woman shouted it out," Trump said. "Okay, it was like a retweet."
Oh that Donald, such a cut-up. And a yooge fan of torture, let's not forget that. You want a laugh, you should hear what he's got planned for the terrorists' balls!
Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.