Nice Time! Elizabeth Warren Will Help Bounce Susan Collins From Senate Like She's A Drunk At Last Call

Nice Time
Nice Time! Elizabeth Warren Will Help Bounce Susan Collins From Senate Like She's A Drunk At Last Call

Elizabeth Warren is coming for Susan Collins. It's a lovely thing. Warren is working hard to take down Donald Trump, but she'll still make time for Collins's trifling ass. The Maine senator is a Trump stooge posing as a moderate. We couldn't be happier that Warren is spending her own money to beat Collins silly at the ballot box.

Warren's campaign manager Roger Lau sent a memo to supporters Tuesday detailing investments for upcoming primary races. The campaign isn't just fueling the Warren machine. It's also devoting resources to help Democrats in key congressional and state races next year. Ranking high on the target list is Maine, where House Speaker Susan Gideon and other local Democrats are already itching to pounce.

LAU: [W]e're targeting our resources to invest in places that will be critical to keeping the House, taking back the U.S. Senate, and regaining ground in key state legislatures in 2020. That includes states like Illinois and California, where Democrats won a whole bunch of House seats in 2018 in close elections that we'll need to defend. It also includes states like Maine, which has a competitive Senate race and Georgia, where there will be two Senate seats up for election.

Our lady of the badass plans isn't petty. She just knows that a president doesn't govern with a magic wand. If she wants do anything productive, she needs to make sure Republicans have no more actual political power than a high school student council. We love a Democrat who understands the importance of the Senate.

Democrats break down how they'll deal with GOP-controlled

The Senate is supposedly a "congenial" body, but it's led by the biggest asshole in politics. And then there's Ted Cruz. It's hardly "Mister Rogers' Neighborhood." But folks like Joe Biden recall a simpler time when white men reached around the aisle at the Senate gym and agreed to confirm credibly accused (alleged) sex predators to the Supreme Court. Unfortunately, such comity hasn't fully gone out of style. Joe Manchin and Collins voted to put Brett Kavanaugh on the Supreme Court. They joined together to slap women in face not as a Republican or a Democrat but as complete jerks. Manchin has been a Democrat much longer than Warren, which is a pretty good argument for quality over quantity.

Manchin endorsed Collins for re-election in April because he thinks it'd be a damn "shame" for America to lose her. We think she can still serve as a role model to the craven and spineless in the private sector. Collins claims to have the best bipartisan intentions but they never amount to anything unless it's what Mitch McConnell wants. Case in point: Her BFF cosponsored with Republican Pat Toomey a bill expanding background checks for private gun sales. Manchin-Toomey failed to pass in 2012 after Sandy Hook thanks to Republicans, but Manchin blamed Barack Obama. He was black and scary and paranoid gun fanatics thought any gun legislation he signed was a slippery slope. Now, American folk hero Donald Trump is president and we can maybe talk about preventing children from being mowed down in schools like dogs. Fred Guttenberg, whose daughter died in the Parkland school shooting, isn't satisfied with just talk. He confronted Collins and asked when the Senate was going to actually vote on Manchin-Toomey.

If Susan Collins was any more useless, you could put her in the back of your garage with that elliptical machine. Who cares if she really wants to vote for sensible gun legislation? It won't happen as long as Republicans control the Senate and McConnell is majority leader. Her seat only empowers them, which is why she can't have it anymore. And even if we could flip the Senate without Maine, Collins is still a Republican. We won't forget that when she was free to vote what passes for her conscience, she chose to insult sexual assault victims and activists on the Senate floor before condemning us to Justice Kavanaugh.

Thank you, Senator Warren. We hope you'll give us at least two things to celebrate on election night next year.


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Stephen Robinson

Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He writes make believe for Cafe Nordo, an immersive theatre space in Seattle. Once, he wrote a novel called “Mahogany Slade,” which you should read or at least buy. He's also on the board of the Portland Playhouse theatre. His son describes him as a “play typer guy."


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